Where to from here?

We've had Wild at Heart and now The Sixth Sense? What on earth could I be planning?

Optical Illusion

I'm not entire sure which is funnier. This or this, which I showed y'all yesterday. I know it's an optical illusion of sorts, but still... how funny is that?!

Goya's/Perfume Posters

Just saw these posters on Internet Movie Posters for two movies that are quite high anticipated by certain people. I am definitely loving the design for Tykwer's (Run Lola Run) latest, Perfume. I am disappointed by Milos Forman's Goya's Ghosts poster. Forman movies usually have such interesting posters (who can forget the amazing posters for The People Vs. Larry Flynt?) The poster for Goya's Ghosts doesn't make it look any more special (which I'm sure it is) than something like Copying Beethoven. Oh well, here they are for your viewing pleasure. Let your eyes drown over Perfume (I do find it slightly ironic that a movie with the title Perfume is gonna look exquisite.)



(click either to enlarge)

You've GOT to be kidding me!

I've been laughing at this for the last five minutes straight (I'm now going into coughing fits. Stupid glandular fever.) This is the funniest thing I've seen all week.


WHAT. THE. FUCK. ???.
(click to enlarge)

NO WIRE HANGERS!!!!

So, I watched Mommie Dearest tonight (after getting home from seeing The Devil Wears Prada omg. More on that later). That was such a strange movie. So... arch. I must say I was a bit disappointed. I didn't find it as hilarious as I thought it would be. Don't get me wrong though, there was hilarity scattered about. Such as the late-night pruning session, or the infamous wire hangers sequence. My favourite however was towards the end when Mommie Dearest (aka Academy Award winner Joan Crawford) steals her daughter's role on a daytime soap opera. LOL. That wire hanger sequence was fucked up though, right? And the ajax! My god, THE AJAX!!!!! I've never seen so much ajax before in my life. In a hilarious light bulb moment for me, it was only during the scene where Crawford wins her Academy Award that I realised the movie was actually set in the 1940s! Nothing struck me as being the 1940s about this movie. And the fact that at the very start of the movie, Faye Dunaway as Joan looked about 60 years old, I was under the illusion the movie was based in the later years of her life. LOL. Couple that with the film's lack of time. As in, they don't seem to know when any of these events took place so they just filmed them and put them all together. It randomly jumps forward in time (within literally half a scene, Joan's daughter has turned from a rebel to a nun in waiting). The only way of telling if we've jumped forward years at a time is the aging makeup used on the maid character played by Rutanya Alda. And bad aging makeup at that! And speaking of the maid, what an awful woman she is! She's the witness to all these apparent beatings and drunken stoopers yet she never says a thing. Truly bad-but-they-thought-it-was-shakespeare filmmaking is very hard to come by.

Did Joan Crawford really get the last word Christina Crawford? DID SHE? LOL, that ending was a hoot. It's a bit late to have your character ask if Joan got the last word, when clearly in our fell swoop her daughter destroyed it. I actually yelled at the screen at this bit "No! She didn't!" And, omg, Xavier Berkley!

How in the heavens did anybody think they were making a good movie here? Those performances are all awful (no Gina Gershon-esque shining light here. Poor Faye Dunaway!) and the whole thing looks an ugly thing to watch, that makeup work was horrendous! Those eyebrows! The lipstick! The face-paint! Naomi Robson should take some tips from her. It's all just so absurdly stupifying. It feels more like a two-hour episode of Dynasty than a fact-abiding biopic on a Hollywood legend. Still, there were plenty of laughs to be had. "Don't worry. You can call me anytime you want. Collect!" That's what the girl you're sending off to boarding school after you beat her with a wire coathanger wants to hear, isn't it. That makes it all better.

Scarlett REALLY wants an Oscar [nomination]

She's came oh-so-close back in 2003 when she had both Lost in Translation AND Girl with a Pearl Earring in place, probably resulting in a split vote leading to Samantha Morton getting a nomination. And then in 2005 she was a lot of people's "can't miss" nomination for Best Supporting Actress playing Woody Allen's where-for-art-thou-lady-luck-fatale in the supurb Match Point, before she fell off the rader. I personally thought they were all good perfs, and she was Golden Globe nominated for all three (and another for 2004's A Love Song for Bobby Long, unseen by me). And now with The Black Dahlia fumbling, plus The Prestige looking more like an entertaining-popcorn-movie-with-oscarable-techs than a lets-nominate-scarjo moment, she really wants an Oscar. And her mother is gonna help her.

LOS ANGELES (Hollywood Reporter) -
Scarlett Johansson will return to the past again in "Mary Queen of Scots."

The actress will take on the role of Queen Mary of Scotland in the film depicting the antagonistic relationship between Queen Mary and Queen Elizabeth I of England, who tried to undermine her rule.

The search for a director is underway. Shooting is expected to begin by the end of summer 2007. The budget of the independently financed film is expected to be in the $25 million-$30 million range. Melanie Johansson -- the actress' mother and manager -- will serve as a producer.

Johansson, in theaters with the 1940s film noir "The Black Dahlia," is filming another period piece, "The Other Boleyn Girl," for Columbia Pictures. She next appears in the magician saga "The Prestige," which Disney will release October 20.

Reuters/Hollywood Reporter

There's been a lot of Elizabeth I lately, so thankfully Scarlett isn't playing her. But, do you know who Scarlett reminds me of...?

LAUREN BACALL.

Maybe it's just the whole younger-sex-kitten thing, but I totally see it. They both ooze sexuality (or, Lauren did when she was younger). Thing is, Lauren didn't receive an Oscar nomination until she was 73 years old. So... uh, Scarlett may have to wait a while*

*I actually think Scarlett will get a nomination soon, it's just a matter of having the right part. I still love ya, Scarlett! And my god, you look gorgeous in this picture from the Venice Film Festival. Astonishing.

Tricky Love

I watched two famous queer films today (well, one last night and the other this morning). The first was Making Love (1981, dir. Hiller), which I think I really liked for one reason - Michael Ontkean. Excuse my gratuitous "he's so dreamy" rant, but... oh my god, Michael Ontkean is so dreamy. Or, he was. For a 40-year-old, he was fuckin' HOT AS HELL! I fell into a ridiculous crush with the man when I first watched the entire series of Twin Peaks. And then I never saw him in anything else, until this. And man, he was sooo good looking during the '80s (I should see Slapshot for this scene and that scene only - I don't like hockey).

So, anyway, back to Making Love. Other than Sheriff Truman, I actually did like it. It ain't no Brokeback Mountain or My Beautiful Laundrette, but I think when watching it you have to take into account that this was 1982. I liked watching a serious take on the subject. I found it funny that the roles of the two gay men were sort of switched in Brokeback. Here it's the homely married man who wants the relationship while the more outwardly open man doesn't. And Kate Jackson (she of Charlie's Angels fame) gets the Michelle Williams role. She gets the realisation AND confrontation scene all in one. I'm not really sure if I entirely bought everything the movie was selling me, but... i dunno. I liked it. Plus, there's plenty of Michael Ontkean ogling to be had. There's an interesting interview with the screenwriter here. He discusses Brokeback and all that jazz.

The other movie I watched was Trick (1999, dir. Fall). Yeah, again, I didn't really think this was the greatest of filmmaking ventures I've ever seen, but in the end I liked it. It's not trying to reinvent the wheel here. I mean, I didn't like the Christian Campbell character (he's Neve Campbell's brother! lol) - I didn't understand him at all, and some of the cliches were overdone, but it won me over I suppose. I just enjoyed watching it (for the most part). Oh, and despite the fact that I don't usually go for muscle beefcake guys, that John Paul Pitoc was... well, he was fun to watch ;)

I give them both Bs. I give Michael Ontkean in the '80s an A+ though, thank you very much.

Oh, yeah, I also watched Die, Mommie, Die! yesterday. What a strange movie. The thing with these sorts of movies though is that, just because you're mimicing movies that aren't well-acted or well-written, doesn't mean yours should be as poorly written and poorly acted. And, I know it was Charles Busch's play that he adapted and starred in, but it's not like having a man play this woman's role did anything for it. It harmed it I thought. It came off as hammy. Like, they didn't even try to make him appear to be a real woman. Bizarre cast, also. C

Odd

What an incredibly odd movie that was. Really odd. And not exactly in the good way.

Move along...

...I have nothing for you guys at the moment.

Why Are People So Unkind?

So not only have I been quite the sickie this week, I also found out the other day that Twin Peaks' Second Season has been delayed indefinitely. It makes me wanna cry. It just says "Release Date Unknown". Bye-Bye November 2nd release date. It was fun while it lasted.

But now, I thought "hmmm, I wonder when movies I wanna see are coming out." Naturally, I'm fairly certain the world hates me and wants me to suffer by not being able to see movies I have been wanting to see since January. Seriously. What the fuck is so stupid with our distributers that they will hold these movies for so long? FUCK YOU! Here are the 15 movies that back in January, I claimed to be my 15 most anticipated (actually, my #15 was Cars, which has been released so I went with #16 but that was Pirates of the Caribbean so I then went with #17 - Babel. Get ready to be stupefied.

A Prairie Home Companion
October 5

The Prestige
November 16

The Black Dahlia
November 23

Volver
December 21
(the second last country to get it before Japan)

Babel
December 26

Marie Antoinette
December 26

Dreamgirls
January 11
(The first country after the US apparently)

Bobby
No Release Date

Factory Girl
No Release Date

For Your Consideration
No Release Date

The Fountain
No Release Date

Inland Empire
No Release Date

Manderlay
No Release Date

The Notorious Bettie Page
No Release Date

Southland Tales
No Release Date


WOW, right! We're so lucky. I know a few of those titles will fill out quickly (The Fountain and Bobby most likely), but the rest? Movie Marshall tells me that Manderlay is in distribution limbo (at the bottom of the Aussie release date page along with a whole lot of other titles) but the other ones just don't have dates yet. Can you understand why I didn't get to doing my 2005 awards until May (and we're still seeing 2005 titles).

I mean, crikies! Why can't they release them? And if not at a similar time to the US, then just WHENEVER! I just want them to release The Notorious Bettie Page. I just wanna be able to see For Your Consideration. It wouldn't be so bad even if I didn't obsess over them and didn't read about them ad nauseum. FUUUUUUCCCCKKK! My manta in life: I hate distributers. Oh sure, they have no problem releasing John Tucker Must Die, Lady in the Water, Garfield 2 and DOA: Dead or Alive all in one weekend though. So we can thank them for that!!!

So, seriously, y'all Americans can't complain at all about getting all these Oscar movies in a few quick months because at least you get them. I hate life*.

*I appologise to anybody who is actually homeless, terminally ill or, ya know, fucked up. I like to exaderate, but y'all definitely have it worse!!!

From Your Keyboard To My Screen

I love it when people send me spontaneous e-mails. I do. I've received a few from people over the months I've been running this blog properly (since March, but I started it in November) from people who either want to comment about something in particular (one guy called Rodrigo recently sent me an e-mail purely to tell i'm "one hot Australian", which, you know, is nice to hear even if he is really wrong and obviously hasn't seen a truly hot person in his life.)

So it was to my surprise recently that I received an e-mail from (or at least somebody doing a really good job of impersonating) actor Linal Haft. Linal is an actor I've liked in the past in movies like Soft Fruit and including his small roles in Moulin Rouge! (as wordless "Manservent Warner") and The Man Who Sued God. Recently, however, I was quite venemous to Mr Haft in my review of 'Solo', a film he made with Colin Friels.

So, yes, it was definitely a surprise to receive an e-mail from the man. If it was indeed the actor himself then I really think he needs to not care what a silly blogger writes and if it's not him then why is somebody out there pretending to be Linal Haft? That's quite daft. (edit: I totally didn't even pick up that that bit rhymed. I'm so awesome)

So in the spirit of film criticism here is the e-mail I received. See how much sarcasm you can detect.

I agree so much with your critique of
Linal Haft's acting.
(Can't bear to look at the fellow myself)
How he's got away with it all these years is beyond me.
There's no justice.
Anyway,
keep your barbed comments coming.
You show a unique command of the mother tongue
coupled with a subtle wit.
Your student education is evidently paying dividends.
How proud your parents must be.
Yours most thankfully,
Linal Haft


*explodes*

Words I never thought I would ever hear...

"Nikki Webster's first lingerie spread"

May God have mercy on Zoo readers' souls.

I've Said It Before...

...and I'll say it again. Rachel Ray is the Devil's minnion. That is all.

Oh Kerry...

Kerry, Honey! I love ya, but why on Earth are you appearing on Dancing with the Stars. I know our country's version of the show gets some, well, stars (the loose definition of the word, but they're more stars here than people like Lisa Rinna and Drew Lachey are in the states), but this is beneath you. You're way too good for this Kerry.

Links 4 My People

I was gonna type and entry, but I can't for the life of me remember what it was about. So, for now, here are some links to keep you busy.

No-Necked Monsters waxes lyrical with Pedro Almodovar. It was his birthday yesterday, and Mike over there has written a great little piece about his introduction to Almodovar. We all have one of those. Mine was All About My Mother, which I blind-purchased and watched that night. I instantly fell in love. I too share Mike's strong affection for Live Flesh. And as much as I loved Talk to Her, I wouldn't rank it above Mother, Flesh and probably Bad Education. But it was better than The Flower of my Secret. I really wish they'd release all his early stuff on DVD down here.

Nat from The Film Experience is having a Vampire Blog-a-thon!!! That's so awesome. Which should I discuss? The twin Nosferatu's in the form of Murnau's 1922 Nosferatu and the film based on the legend of the making of that 1922 film, Shadow of the Vampire (with Oscar-nominated Willem Dafoe in the famous role). Should I discuss how the television series of Buffy the Vampire Slayer got everything so right that the movie got oh-so-very wrong? Or, how about I inflict an Aussie edge to it and discuss Outback Vampires? Such a dilemma.

And if you just can't get enough of those sort of things, Squish at The Film Vituperatem is having a Hitchcock Blog-a-thon. Sign up if you're that way inclined. That's an even bigger issue coming up with a topic. There's so many.

Speaking of Nathaniel, his database on foreign films in contention for the Oscars is getting frequently updated. His latest entry features new titles announced for Germany (The Lives of Others), Denmark (After the Wedding), South Korea (The King and the Clown), Switzerland (Vitus) and somewhat surprising to me, Canada's entry of Deepa Mehta's Water. That film was a big bit around the globe but I had no idea it was actually Canadian (it's set in India, is in Hindu and directed by an Indian.) I really hope Rolf de Heer's Ten Canoes can make it through. That'd be unreal!

Is it wrong for me to be sorta in love with this?

Much like Ja at My New Plaid Pants (happy vacation Jason!), I continue to be creeped out by how fuckin' hot Kristen Bell is. Seriously. She's the best looking one on Veronica Mars too. But plz, NOBODY MENTION THE SECOND SERIES AROUND HERE! We're only one episode into the second season and I haven't had it ruined for me (I managed to not read who the killer was in the first season! Go me) so I don't intend on having it ruined for me for the rest of the year (or two or three years it takes channel 10 to air the fricken' show)

I'm so happy The Movie Binge has extended it's limited engagement to Fall. Their site was fun during the Summer, and now we've got their antics for however long they decide to keep going with it. I feel sorry for the person who gets stuck with Jackass Number 2, Flyboys and other crap like that (most likely starring James Franco)

Arden [Not her real name ;)] hates Zach Braff more than you. As much as I used to love the man, I must say I am getting a bit tired of it. By "it" I mean his shtick. His pensive i-am-going-nowhere-in-life twentysomething thing he does. I'm not too sure how much I like Garden State anymore (outside of Natalie Portman who I adore in that movie) and his character on Scrubs is my least favourite and wish he wasn't on there sometimes. So, yeah, it hurts to say that considering how much I used to love him, but... I do love Rachel Bilson who is his co-star in The Last Kiss. Wait, that's no concession.

In Box Office news, Little Miss Sunshine finally crosses the $50mil mark. Now please, release it in Australia. It's bad enough we're only just getting The Devil Wear's Prada this week. In other Box Office news, Miramax fucks up Reneissance. Seriously. That movie coulda been a contender (for Best Animated Feature) as an adult alternative to all the talking animals this year (or talking baseball bats???) with it's strong noir-enhanced graphics and stylish design. The movie was too convoluted by half but it was still great fun. DOES FRENCH BLACK AND WHITE ANIMATION HAVE NO PLACE IN THIS WORLD?!?! Also, The Science of Sleep made $24,785 per cinema for $347,000 total. Good to hear!

Oh, and seriously... for the record - I called All The King's Men back in, like, August last year. Long before they decided to delay it until 2007, I was saying the movie wouldn't hit it with Oscar and now with a pathetic gross of under $4mil this weekend, it's all but official. That movie stunk of narcisism from the get go.

Uwe Boll is a pest, but apparently he's quite good in the boxing ring. LOL.

Leonardo DiCaprio has good taste in movies. Two of his Top 10 films of all time are also in mine! Those would be Manhattan and East of Eden if you must know. I am a huge fan of The Third Man, Taxi Driver and Sunset Blvd (all in my Top 50). I liked The Shining too. Same for 8 1/2, but I much prefer Bob Fosse's treatment of the same ideas (as y'all would know). Unfortunately, I haven't seen The Bicycle Thief, Lawrence of Arabia or Yojimbo. Thief and Yojimbo are in my DVD queue, but I really have reservations about seeing Lawrence of Arabia on DVD. Everyone says that it is a big-screen movie. If it's ever shown at ACMI I'd have to try and go to see it.

And lastly, The New York Times photographs Sofia Coppola in Paris. It, essentially, an excuse to take lots of nice photos of the pretty things, but boy talk about pretty! I can't wait for Marie Antoinette!

Hmmm...

What an incredible odd experience that was!

My life has lost all meaning...

...seriously. I've devastated. IS THERE NO JUSTICE IN THE WORLD?!?

The Princess of the Rings: Return of the Minogue

Sorry, you'll have to indulge me in a uberhomo moment (or as I "fag out" as some may say). Kylie's coming back! This week she released images from her new calender (very avant garde, y'all), released a children's book (The Showgirl Princess) and has apparently been in the studio working on new music. I'm not going to her concert (the newly renamed Showgirl Homecoming tour) because nobody would go with me and I sorta don't have enough money (of course when tickets were originally on sale it was said that Madonna was going to be touring, alas...) but the DVD will be fabulous, I'm sure.

I was indeed one of the screaming queens who was shocked to hear that Minogue had breast cancer last year. That was two gay icons down (the other being Olivia, duh) so Madge, Cher, Babs and Bette better make sure they, er, keep checkin'!

The news that she is recording a new album is great news though! It's title at the moment is Lessons, but considering the ruckus the record company caused before the release of Body Language (fake title and track listings "leaked" onto the internet), I wouldn't be surprised if that was fake. I consider Body Language to be her best album to date. Just so many perfect pop songs (and it's also partially the reason why I hate Missy Higgins - long story). Of course, people didn't like it too much, but that's the way these things go. When an artists veers off coarse and makes being uncomfortable people get scared. Oh well, it's their loss (although I would suggest they listen to "Sweet Music", "Still Standing" and they listen to "Slow" and "Chocolate" again. Brilliance.) Of course we had new material on her Ultimate Kylie greatest hits complilation last year. One of the songs, "I Believe In You", was more pop dance brilliance and it was co-written with Jake Spears and BabyDaddy of the Scissor Sisters! She's working with them again for this album, so hopefully it'll be more ace music.


TOP 5 KYLIE ALBUMS:
1. Body Language (2004)
2. Light Years (2000)
3. Rhythm of Love (1991)
4. Kylie Minogue (1994)
5. Fever (2002)

TOP 10 KYLIE SONGS:
1. "Put Yourself in My Place" (Kylie Minogue)
2. "Your Disco Needs You" (Light Years)
3. "Can't Get You Out of My Head" (Fever)
4. "Hand On Your Heart" (Kylie)
5. "Sweet Music" (Body Language)
6. "Better the Devil You Know" (Rhythm of Love)
7. "Still Standing" (Body Language)
8. "What Do I Have to Do?" (Rhythm of Love)
9. "Butterfly" (Light Years)
10. "Got to be Certain" (Kylie)

TOP 5 KYLIE VIDEO CLIPS
1. "Come Into My World" (Fever)
2. "Chocolate" (Body Language)
3. "Did It Again" (Impossible Princess)
4. "Spinning Around" (Light Years)
5. "Where The Wild Roses Grow" (With Nick Cave, Murder Ballads)

Oh, and the title of this entry? Well, I thought of it after I looked at this picture that Nat posted and then I saw the picture at the very top (from Moulin Rouge!. LOL, moving on... (fag (over and) out)

Me Vs Kramer

So, I think I was predisposed to not liking Robert Benton's 1979 Best Picture winner Kramer vs. Kramer. I mean, firstly it's the sort of saccharine weepie movie that I just don't like. I mean, gimme something that earns it and I'll cry like a baby (I'm looking at you Thelma & Louise, Dancer in the Dark, etc), but movies like this think you should be getting the tissues out purely by virtue of the type of movie it is. That doesn't score points with me. And then secondly, the big one, it was the film that beat my favourite film of all-time to Oscar glory. That would be All That Jazz, of course. The movie that won four Oscars but when it came to the major stuff it lost them all to Kramer (notably Best Picture, Director, Actor and Screenplay - of of which are leaps and bounds ahead of Kramer vs Kramer).

So, it came as a slight surprise that I didn't altogether hate the movie. Meryl Streep and Jane Alexander were great in their nominated supporting roles (Streep of course got her first of two Oscar wins out of this movie) and the writing was good. Those final few scenes were really well done. I confess to not being a Dustin Hoffman fan in general (I'm not sure what it is), nor was I a fan of this kid whoever he is.


But in the end, the whole thing just didn't grab me. You know how it's gonna go from the opening frames. The movie sits side-by-side on the Best Picture mantle with Ordinary People from 1980. Two strangely contemporary movies, but Kramer isn't as good as Ordinary, a movie that doesn't get enough of it's due in these days. But, how odd is it to compare 1979 to 2001. 2001 had an audacious musical in the form of Moulin Rouge! lose out to a safe hearttugger. Oh well, just like All That Jazz get's praise these days much more than Kramer, Moulin Rouge! will be the film that people discuss in 20 years and go see in retrospectives, while A Beautiful Mind gets a spot as Midday movie fodder. C

There is a reason for this...

...all will be revealed sometime... soon...ish... So until then (whenever "then" may be, knowing my laziness) just enjoy the random movie images I'll be posting. It'll totally be fun when it gets to it. Let me just say this: Sometimes when people are compiling lists for websites of magazines or newspapers, they are so boring and deadly dull that you wonder if they actually believe their own choices or if they're just choosing the most popular choices. Personality Free. Anyway. As I said, just enjoy. You'll find out soon enough my pretties.

Seriously Sarah

Sarah Blasko - 6 Brilliant Songs ("Flame Trees", "Don't U Eva", "Always Worth It", "Remorse", "At Your Best" and new song "Explain")
Missy Higgins - 1 Brilliant Song ("The Special Two")

People Sarah Blasko Reminds Me Of: Monique Brumby & Bjork
People Missy Higgins Reminds Me Of: That bitch at Brumby's (the bread store)

Sarah Blasko > Missy Higgins
Missy Higgins < Sarah Blasko

God, Sarah is just so much better than Missy that's it's painful. I love you Sarah. Don't let the ocker get you down. I can't wait for your new album.

(this entry didn't really have a reason. it's just a fact I felt like making note of)

Running With Scissors Trailer

Click here for the trailer. Okay, Now I reverse my thoughts on Annette Bening's Oscar chances. I think she's gonna be nominated and that this could actually win her the statue. I thought she was much more... manic, but the trailer doesn't make it seem that way. But it doesn't make her look too passive (while I love the performance and the movie, as an example of what I mean, think Anjelica Huston in The Royal Tenenbaums.) In fact the whole thing reminds me of The Royal Tenenbaums, which is a good thing!

My favourite bit was Brian Cox going "You are by far my favourite daughter" to Gwyneth Paltrow. How strange that they don't say her name in the cast at the end. Oh well.

Basic Instinct 2: I Want My Money Back (aka Risk Addiction & Omnipitence, or How I Learned to Stop Caring and "Fucking Nail the Bitch")

Basic Instinct 2 (2006, dir. Caton-Jones)
I don't understand this movie? Is it trying to be sexy? Or is it actually trying to be entirely unsexy, thus making the point of the movie something along the lines of "sex is good when it doesn't end in murder"? Is the movie trying is be bad. As if the makers thought there was no way it could be good so they would attempt some warped Showgirls circa 2006. And if they were trying that, why didn't it come through? Nothing about this movie seems to entirely make sense. Not in this world, and not in the mysterious twilight zone London world that the movie is set in. Why is it only the weird phallic-esque building that gets any preference. Surely there's more to London than buildings shaped like male genitals.

The setting was ripe for so-bad-it's-good status, but after about the first 20 minutes you actually realise that this movie is for real, which dampens the proceedings mucho. There were some wonderfully hilarious moments towards the start, mostly all involved Sharon Stone and that "are they for real?" dialogue ("you were having sex at 100 miles per hour?" "110!!" and probably this movie's answer to Showgirls' "I eat doggy chow too!" - Sharon Stone's hilarious reading of "I may never come again!" when told she doesn't seem upset over killing somebody while they were giving her an orgasm. LOL), but eventually it becomes grotesque and silly. There's only so many times the characters of a movie can say "come", "pussy", "cunt" and "risk addiction" before you wish they'd talk like real people for a change (I'd never heard of this ridiculous "risk addiction" before and I doubt I ever will again. Is it even a real thing?)

But everything just goes haywire. From secondary characters who seem to be on drugs to Sharon's scary angular hairstyle and way-too-botoxed face and fake tits. Speaking of secondary characters... WTF? The lead male... er, something Morrissey. I'm no big Michael Douglas fan, but geez this is a step down. And to think, Sharon vetoed Benjamin Bratt because he wasn't a good enough actor! Then there is David Thewlis mumbling through his ridiculous character. There's Charlotte Rampling (CHARLOTTE RAMPLING, PEOPLE!!!!) who... well, I don't exactly know what her point was. Heathcote Williams is a weird foreign professor or something who looks strangly like Pedro Almodovar. Everybody is just so awful. And not in the fascinating way. These people just don't care. At least in Showgirls the cast thought they were making Shakespeare and gave it their all, albiet with hilarious consequences. Here, it's as if they all think they're making Shakespeare yet they don't seem to a give a fuck. Nobody has any glee in their performances. They all just kind of stand around (there are so many shots of characters just staring out windows, or staring across rooms, or staring at nothing in particular.)

The tone is all so deadly dull. Even when it comes to sex scenes they aren't done as hilarious over-the-top as Showgirls (or, hell, even the original Basic Instinct - a movie I am fairly blase about). They're ugly and weird. But that fits into the movie's weird parallel twilight universe that this movie is set in. Only in a movie such as this could a character actually say, after driving off the road and killing a man as he was bringing her to orgasm, "What you said about me being... addicted to risk, about having to do more and more dangerous things. Well, after you said it I realised I was... scared. For weeks before the accident, I was having the same fantasy over and over again. I even wrote about it. The woman's driving, the man's making her come, she drives off the road. The man is killed. I feel like maybe I made it all happen" to which the doctor replies "Are you wanting treatment?"

But the failure of the film to not only be entertaining and silly, but also to not revel in it's own stupidity, can be seen most glaringly during a scene towards the end as Sharon's Catherine Tramelle sits at a computer writing her latest story. The voice over by Sharon anotates for us:

"Before the buzzer even sounded, Kelly knew it would be the Doctor. He had come to accuse her of more crimes. They'd fight about that and then have sex and everything would be all right again, except it wouldn't be if he didn't trust her."

Firstly, what does that even mean? And secondly, that's what the whole movie is. Characters accuse characters of stuff (everyone things everyone else has done something evil) and then they throw in a sex scene and then it all starts again. Where's the fun? Where's the frivolity? They just shrug it all off as if it happens all the time. You're dealing with a bisexual serial killer who has a risk addiction and a psychiatrist who works in a penis-shaped building. So is everybody so freakin' depressed? D

Naps

Man, I just had the best nap. Naps are awesome. Why don't I nap more often?

Funnily enough, I decided to have my nap 40 minutes into Basic Instict 2. That one's a howler so far. "You were having sex at 100 miles per hour?" *sharon turns to stare sexily down the camera* "110!"

Oh lordy. I'll finish that one later.

More IMDb Stupid Recommendations

Click here to find out what movie's page I was on. I cannot find one single link between those two films. They're different genres, different styles, from different countries with different cast and crew. How do they come up with these? And apparently if you like House of Sand and Fog, you will like The Godfather. At least that link is tangible. That's something, I suppose.

Also, the original movie in that chain? C+. I suppose. There was some good stuff there, but it was bogged down in dumb cliches and silly morals. And is that the most asexual drag queen you've ever seen?

Spot the Difference

Here is a picture of me from a few weeks back.


And here is a picture of me from today.


Look carefully. Can you spot the difference?

No? That's probably a good thing, because in the second picture... I HAVE GLANDULAR FEVER. Check out the details on Glandular Fever. Funnily, another name for it is "Pfeiffer's Disease" so that's sort of awesome. It's also "the kissing disease", which would be pretty funny if I'd had any lip-lock action recently. Alas...

Awesome, right?

:(

In, er, happier news I was a runner-up for The Gilded Moose's Prove Your Wit competition. It's not so much a competition (you don't win prizes) as it is a way of insulting celebrities in the form of possibly witty captions. YAYZ.

I have completed 2003 UMA awards. Can I just say how sorry I am to Ridley Scott and the team behind Matchstick Men. That was truly one of my favourites of the year yet it didn't seem to land anywhere except for Best Supporting Actress (for Alison Lohman). I think it was because it was just an ordinary contemporary "heist" movie of sorts. I loved it though. I remember having a grin on my face for that entire movie. It happens every year. 2005 for me was Me & You & Everyone We Know, which in the Oscar categories got a mere single nomination (i think) for Best Original Comedic Score, yet it too (like Matchstick Men) appeared in my Top 10. Oh well, dems da breaks I suppose.

George and Cate in B+W

I don't know why I never had faith in this movie. I just didn't. I really wanna see it though. I am thinking this will have more Oscar success than The Good Shepherd now. I dunno. All things considered though, marketing yourself as Casablanca is a risky move.

How many of y'all have seen this?

I watched In My Father's Den last night. It was the second time I have seen it. It really is a great film from New Zealand starring Brit Matthew Macfadyen (who steamed up a few hearts in last year's Pride & Prejudice), newcomer Emily Barclay (who is truly phenomenal - I can't wait to see her in Suburban Mayhem), Miranda Otto (who is the weakest link, strangely) and Vicki Haughton (who some would know as the grandmother in Whale Rider). It reminds me a lot of the brilliant Lantana in that it starts as a talky drama before it turns into a mystery. But, it's just really good. Y'all should definitely try and Netflix it (or whatever you do in your country), cause it's really good. If for nothing else, do it to see Emily Barclay - she's amazing.

"Life On Earth Is In For A Shock"

er, right. So, I'm feeling much better today. I'm still sick (nasty cough and general sluggishness), but at least I don't have a bad headache and the feeling that i want to die. So, yay for that. And I can walk! I sorta couldn't walk yesterday. I nearly collapsed. It musta been the humidity. Or something. I dunno. I felt rotten yesterday. But as I said, I've still got this virus which isn't much fun. I suppose I had to get sick now. I always get sick during winter but for whatever reason, I hadn't even so much as had a bad cold this year, until these last few weeks where I've been sick a lot. Oh well.

So I have much more energy today to write some stuff. So I'll try and do something for y'all. I'm working at a book shop in town this week called Griffiths. It's for school. It's really boring and trite, but I need to to pass my coarse. Anyway, so today this man, his mother and his two kids come in and they're all like "i want books about dinosaurs" and that crap and then the gran started talking and she had this thick upper-society American accent and it was strange because her son and grandkids didn't have one. And she was so surprised at the shop. Like "this is such a good book store" (it's really not). Anyway. They were rich I think. Cause they spent, like, $300 on books and one of the kids had one of those cashmere sweaters on that Oprah had on her Favourite Things episode! Weird.

I'm reading this article about Marie Antoinette. Remember how everyone was saying at Cannes that it was booed off the screen and that nobody liked it, well it's gotten so past that now that nobody's even sure whether it was booed at all. "It was shown to mixed reviews (there were reports of booing) at the Cannes International Film Festival in May." LOL. I have faith, Sofia

Arden?!

Arden, if you're reading this could you answer me a question? Why can't I comment on your blog anymore? It makes me sad. It keeps coming up saying there's an error.

(I'm posting this here because I couldn't find your e-mail address. I hope you read this)

I think my head is going to explode

Sorry folks, but it looks like this week is gonna be pretty bankrupt in terms of blog entries. Physical drainage. Plus right now I have a killer headache and it hurts my brain to listen to the keys on my keyboard.

So for your viewing pleasure, here is the cast of Grey's Anatomy (can Patrick Dempsey show up in my shower plzkthnx). BUT WHERE IS GEORGE? And why, in the picture below, are three of them out of uniform?

I Walked With A Zombie...

...is seriously one of the best horror movies ever made.. And it's rated PG. Jacques Tourneur is a fuckin' genius, I swear.

I'm Speechless.

I am without speech.

And that means, I have nothing to write about today. Sorry folks. But here's a picture of Carrot Top looking like a tranny!

One of the most underrated movies of the decade?

“Men are gonna get killed here today, Sue, and I'm gonna kill 'em.”

It still amazes me that this movie didn't catch on with Oscar at all. What exactly didn't they like? The grandeur? The photography? The sets and costumes? The dialogue? The acting? Because that's all there in spades.

And I still say the shootout towards the end is one of the finest ever put to film. And for whatever reason, Open Range is one of the only westerns that I have seen that I don't wanna rip my hair out while watching. Shame.

AFI Award Predix

The film in contention that I didn't get to see was Suburban Mayhem, but I didn't think that would come into play much anyway.

BEST FILM
Kenny
Kokoda
Jindabyne
Ten Canoes

I reckon Kenny, Ten Canoes and Jindabyne are all pretty set for nominations, but who knows. I'm sticking with Kokoda because, despite my misgivings about the film, some people still really liked it and thought it was all "important" and shit. But, I wouldn't be surprised to see Opal Dream in here as the response was really positive - everyone seemed to like that one, but enough for them to mark it on their ballot?

BEST DIRECTION
Clayton Jacobson, Kenny
Ana Kokkinos, The Book of Revelation
Ray Lawrence, Jindabyne
Rolf de Heer, Ten Canoes

Despite being a pretentious woman, I think the director's will choose Kokkinos for the lone director spot because Alister Grierson is not going to be nominated. Every issue people have with the film stems from his inexperience (people like the film because it's all patriotic and shit). Jacobson will be rewarded for making an Aussie comedy and, SHOCK, didn't suck. And Lawrence and de Heer (regulars in this category) should glide on through. I was gonna say that Murali K Thalluri was a cinch here, but has the recent backlack and big controversy against him harmed him? I think so.

BEST LEAD ACTOR
Shane Jacobson, Kenny
Steve Le Marquand, Last Train to Freo
Heath Ledger, Candy
Tom Long, The Book of Revelation

Ledger and Long should show up here without issues. The last two spot I chose Steve le Marquand from Last Train to Freo and Shane Jacobson in Kenny. Most of the intensity Freo is from that performance, even if it does go off the rails at the end. And Jacobson is really great as the lovable oaf Kenny. Gabriel Byrne, I predict, will be left off although I'd put him in before Le Marquand, Long and Jacobson at least.

BEST LEAD ACTRESS
Emily Barclay, Suburban Mayhem
Abbie Cornish, Candy
Victoria Hill, Macbeth
Laura Linney, Jindabyne

No change in my predictions here from last time. Linney and Cornish are superb and even though Linney's American, that shouldn't matter.. While I'm a big fan of Macbeth, I'm not sure how many others were but I've stuck with Hill and while response to Suburban Mayhem wasn't that positive, everyone says Barclay is a riot so...

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Richard Birrinbirrin, Ten Canoes
Christian Byers, Opal Dream
Tom Budge, Last Train to Freo
Geoffrey Rush, Candy

I have NO idea. Rush's role is probably very love/hate and who knows if people actually nominate Birrinbirrin for being the comedic centre of Ten Canoes. Byers was a charmer in Opal Dream and Tom Budge had some good jokes in Freo, but really I have no idea. John Howard could easily show up, as could someone from Kokoda or even, heaven forbid, Linal Haft from Solo or Angus Sampson from Footy Legends.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Wendy Hughes, The Caterpillar Wish
Deborah-Lee Furness, Jindabyne
Deborah Mailman, The Book of Revelation
Susie Porter, The Caterpillar Wish

Mailman gives the final act of Revelation a much-needed boost of energy after the rape scenes suck everything out of the movie. Furness deserves to be nommed and win his category. What a comeback!! And the two Caterpillar girls are Aussie veterans (specially Hughes making it two comebacks for this category) and are well-loved. But Leah Purcell could easily snatch a spot for Jindabyne or Eve von Bibra who shone in Kenny, but was she there enough? And then there's Gillian Jones who has a BIG FAT JUICY scene in Last Train to Freo. Personally, I would really like to see them nominate newcomer Marni Spillane from 2:37 who shone through (moreso than Teresa Palmer who everyone mentions). Just like at the Oscars, this is the most "full" category.

BEST SCREENPLAY, ORIGINAL
2:37
Kenny
Suburban Mayhem
Ten Canoes

Kenny and Ten Canoes should show up with ease. For the last two spots I went with the polarising Suburban Mayhem and Candy. I wanted to put The Caterpillar Wish here but that might just be too unextraordinary (it's not particularly daring or out of the this. It's just pleasant) (edited cause Candy is adapted, put it 2:37 for no real reason)

BEST SCREENPLAY, ADAPTED
The Book of Revelation
Candy
Jindabyne
Last Train to Freo

Jindabyne should fit snugly here, and I'm sure they'll wanna reward Kokkinos and Andrew Bovell for attempting to adapt The Book of Revelation at all. The other two go to adaptations of completely different plays, Macbeth and Freo. Although I really think Opal Dream could show up here. (edited to fit Candy in, got right of Macbeth)

BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY
Candy
Jindabyne
Macbeth
Ten Canoes

I dunno, these all sound like plausible nominees. Right? Who knows...

BEST COSTUME DESIGN
The Book of Revelation
Candy
Kokoda
Macbeth

Because most Australian films are contemporary, Costume Design is always a category that you could pull out four random titles and they'd look respectable. I hope Macbeth gets up there though, that was stylish design. Revelation had hooded women and performance dancers! Lol, i dunno. Candy and Kokoda owe a lot of their credit to the realistic costuming.

BEST PRODUCTION DESIGN
Candy
Kokoda
Macbeth
Ten Canoes

God, I have no idea. Macbeth should be nominated though and win. God those were good sets.

BEST SOUND
2:37
The Book of Revelation
Kokoda
Ten Canoes

I have no idea. I'm sure Kokoda will get in with it's war scenes and Ten Canoes has crickets. Lots and lots of crickets.

BEST ORIGINAL SCORE
2:37
Jindabyne
Opal Dream
Ten Canoes

Again. I have no idea what they're choose, but these were the most impressive four so hopefully they'll go with these, although I would really like them to throw The Caterpillar Wish a bone.

BEST EDITING
2:37
Jindabyne
Macbeth
Ten Canoes

I dunno. This lineup makes sense in theory.

We'll see how I go. I also reckon they'll give their international awards (to Aussies working in foreign films) to Heath Ledger for Brokeback Mountain and... let's say... well, they went with the girl from Lemony Snickets last year so I'm gonna on a limb and say Natalie Mendoza for The Descent. It it gets released here in time. Who knows though.

Best Actress

I was Adam's thoughts on Best Actress (as in "And the Oscar goes to) and in the comments there were was something that I wanted to address.

"Though she does have that whole "won the Emmy for a queen, and then an oscar for a different queen" hook... but I'd like to think people won't vote for her on that basis alone."

Oscar voters may not vote for her on that, but you know who might? THE HOLLYWOOD FOREIGN PRESS. So, she will most certainly be nominated in Best Actress in a Mini-series or Made for TV Movie (or whatever their category is called) for Elizabeth I and also in Best Actress in a Drama for The Queen (in which, as we all know, portrays Queen Elizabeth II).

So it's one thing for Mirren to win the Emmy for Elizabeth I (my emmy comments here) and an Oscar for The Queen but imagine winning Golden Globes for both roles (aka, on the same night, possibly mere minutes apart). Is that a gimmick too juicy for the HFPA to jump on? Sure, Helen Mirren isn't exactly Reese Witherspoon or something, but they love their Brit's don't they? It get's the mind running...

And if Mirren wins the Globe, she will be in a similar position to another vet from a few years back... Sissy Spacek. Of coarse she ended up losing the Oscar to a deglammer. But as has already been noted at various sites, there doesn't really seem to be a strong deglammer in the running, unless a studio like The Weinstein Company pull a Felicity Huffman out their arse and give everyone in Oscar-land a big ol' fright...

The 2003 UMAs

Time to travel back through time to the year 2003. I usually deem 2003 to be "disappointing" (how can it not be when compared to years like 2001 and 2004 of recent times), but in actual fact there is still quite a solid group of films including a bunch that I truly without-a-doubt LOVE with a huge passion. Two things though - while I consider The Texas Chainsaw Massacre to be one of my favourite films from this year, I can't in all honesty put it in the final five Best Picture nominees. But, note that if I ever do a ALL TIME countdown, that that movie will feature much higher than most of the titles on here. And secondly, I realise the irony of the Best Actress category, but that's the way the cookie crumbles.

BTW, if a person is cited for two movies they are listed in the order of my preference.

And just for the record, I have not seen the following films from 2003. I don't know how much they would be in play if I did, but I haven't so they can't. But if and when I eventually do I shall update (just like I do with other years btw)

All the Real Girls
Bad Santa
Calendar Girls
The Fog of War
The Missing
Raising Victor Vargas
The School of Rock
Spider
Veronica Geurin

And a whole lot of Foreign Language stuff like The Barbarian Invasions, Goodbye, Lenin!, Lilja 4-ever, The Man on the Train, Ten, etc I really need to catch up on those. There's other titles I haven't seen but they weren't awards types and I doubt they would've affected the awards much.

BEST PICTURE
City of God
Elephant
Kill Bill, Vol. 1
Lost in Translation
The Station Agent

GOLD:
Lost in Translation

SILVER:
Elephant
BRONZE:
Kill Bill, Vol. 1

BEST DIRECTOR
Sofia Coppola - Lost in Translation
Kevin Costner - Open Range
Peter Jackson - The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
Fernando Meirelles & Katia Lund - City of God
Gus Van Sant - Elephant

Honourable Mentions: Quentin Tarantino (Kill Bill, Vol. 1), Peter Weir (Master & Commander: The Far Side of the World), Thomas McCarthy (The Station Agent), Jonathan Mostow (Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines), Peter Mullan (The Magdalene Sisters), Clint Eastwood (Mystic River), Rolf de Heer (Alexandra's Project), Gore Verbinski (Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl), Danny Boyle (28 Days Later)

GOLD:
Sofia Coppola - Lost in Translation

SILVER
Gus Van Sant - Elephant
BRONZE:
Peter Jackson - The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

BEST ACTRESS
Toni Collette - Japanese Story
Jamie Lee Curtis - Freaky Friday
Scarlett Johansson - Lost in Translation & Girl with a Pearl Earring
Charlize Theron - Monster
Uma Thurman - Kill Bill, Vol. 1
Evan Rachel Wood - thirteen

Honourable Mentions: Hene Buday (Alexandra's Project), Angela Bettis (May), Lindsay Lohan (Freaky Friday), Diane Keaton (Something's Gotta Give), Naomie Harris (28 Days Later), Jessica Beil (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre), Naomi Watts (21 Grams), Anne-Marie Duff (The Magdalene Sisters), Jennifer Connolly (House of Sand and Fog)

GOLD:
Toni Collette - Japanese Story

SILVER:
Uma Thurman - Kill Bill, Vol. 1
BRONZE:
Charlize Theron - Monster

BEST ACTOR
Russell Crowe - Master & Commander: The Far Side of the World
Johnny Depp - Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl
Peter Dinklage - The Station Agent
Bill Murray - Lost in Translation
Sean Penn - 21 Grams & Mystic River

Honourable Mentions: Robert Duvall (Open Range), Ben Kingsley (House of Sand and Fog), Shia LaBeouf (Holes), Chiwetel Ejiofor (Dirty Pretty Things), David Wenham (Gettin' Square), Jude Law (Cold Mountain), Gary Sweet (Alexandra's Project), Heath Ledger (Ned Kelly), Paddy Considine (In America)

GOLD:
Johnny Depp - Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

SILVER:
Bill Murray - Lost in Translation
BRONZE:
Sean Penn - 21 Grams & Mystic River

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Shohreh Aghdashloo - House of Sand and Fog
Patricia Clarkson - The Station Agent and Pieces of April
Marcia Gay Harden - Mystic River
Holly Hunter - thirteen
Alison Lohman - Matchstick Men

Honourable Mentions: Catherine O'Hara (A Mighty Wind), Maria Bello (The Cooler), Sarah Paulson (Down with Love), Annette Bening (Open Range), Judy Davis (Swimming Upstream), Ludivine Sagnier (Peter Pan & Swimming Pool), Ger Ryan (Intermission), Vicky Haughton (Whale Rider), Samantha Morton (In America), Judith Lucy (Bad Eggs)

GOLD:
Shohreh Aghdashloo - House of Sand and Fog

SILVER:
Patricia Clarkson - The Station Agent and Pieces of April
BRONZE:
Marcia Gay Harden - Mystic River

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Alec Baldwin - The Cooler
Bobby Cannavale - The Station Agent
Geoffrey Rush - Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl
Peter Sarsgaard - Shattered Glass
Ken Watanabe - The Last Samurai

Honourable Mentions:
Paul Bettany (Master & Commander: The Far Side of the World), David Hyde Pierce (Down with Love), Tim Robbins (Mystic River), Benicio Del Toro (21 Grams), Djimon Hounsou (In America), Malcolm McDowell (The Company)

GOLD:
Bobby Cannavale - The Station Agent

SILVER:
Peter Sarsgaard - Shattered Glass
BRONZE:
Geoffrey Rush - Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl)

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
Rolf de Heer - Alexandra's Project
Andrew Stanton, Bob Petersonnn & David Reynolds - Finding Nemo
Sofia Coppola - Lost in Translation
Thomas McCarthy - The Station Agent
Nancy Meyers - Something's Gotta Give

Honourable Mentions: Peter Mullan (The Magdalene Sisters), Catherine Hardwicke & Nikki Reed (thirteen), Steven Knight (Dirty Pretty Things), Jim, Naomi & Kirsten Sheridan (In America), Wayne Kramer & Frank Hannah (The Cooler), Alison Tilson (Japanese Story), Karen Moncrieff (Blue Car)

GOLD:
Sofia Coppola - Lost in Translation

SILVER:
Thomas McCarthy - The Station Agent
BRONZE:
Rolf de Heer - Alexandra's Project

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY
Bráulio Mantovani - City of God, Adapted from the novel by Paulo Lins
Vadim Perelman & Shawn Otto - House of Sand and Fog, Adapted from the novel by Andre Dubus III
Nick Griffin & Ted Griffin - Matchstick Men, Adapted from the book by Eric Garcia
Brian Hedgeland - Mystic River, Adapted from the novel by Dennis Lehane
Peter Jackson, Fran Walsh & Phillipa Boyen - The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King, Adapted from the novel by JRR Tolkein

Honourable Mentions: Olivia Hetreed (Girl with a Pearl Earring), PJ Hogan & Michael Goldenberg (Peter Pan), Billy Ray (Shattered Glass), Louis Sanchar (Holes), Peter Weir & John Collee (Master & Commander: The Far Side of the World)

GOLD:
Bráulio Mantovani - City of God

SILVER:
Brian Helgeland - Mystic River
BRONZE:
Peter Jackson, Fran Walsh & Phillipa Boyens - The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY
City of God
Elephant
Girl with a Pearl Earring
In the Cut
Kill Bill, Vol. 1
Lost in Translation

Honourable Mentions: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Gerry, Travelling Birds, Cold Mountain, Master & Commander: The Far Side of the World, Seabiscuit, House of Sand and Fog, I'm Not Scared, Open Range, thirteen, Dead End, Who Killed Bambi?

GOLD:
Dion Beebe - In the Cut

SILVER:
Harris Savides - Elephant
BRONZE:
Eduado Serra - Girl with a Pearl Earring

BEST PRODUCTION DESIGN/ART DIRECTION
Down With Love
Girl with a Pearl Earring
Kill Bill, Vol. 1
The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
Master & Commander: The Far Side of the World

Honourable Mentions: Peter Pan, Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl, Ned Kelly, Open Range, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Cold Mountain, Big Fish

GOLD:
Andrew Laws - Down With Love

SILVER:
David Wasco & Yohei Taneda - Kill Bill, Vol. 1
BRONZE:
William Sandell - Master & Commander: The Far Side of the World

BEST COSTUME DESIGN
Down With Love
Girl with a Pearl Earring
Kill Bill, Vol. 1
The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King & The Last Samurai
Peter Pan

Honourable Mentions: Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl, The Company, Master & Commander: The Far Side of the World, Ned Kelly, City of God, Open Range,

GOLD:
Daniel Orlandi - Down With Love

SILVER:
Catherine Marie Thomas & Kumiko Ogawa - Kill Bill, Vol. 1
BRONZE:
Ngila Dickson - The Lord of the Rings & The Last Samurai

BEST EDITING
City of God
House of 1000 Corpses
Kill Bill, Vol. 1
Seabiscuit
The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

Honourable Mentions: Elephant, Open Range, Swimming Upstream, Master & Commander: The Far Side of the World, Lost in Translation, The Company, Hulk, thirteen, Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines

GOLD:
Sally Menke - Kill Bill, Vol. 1

SILVER:
Daniel Rezende - City of God
BRONZE:
Kathryn Himoff, Robert K Lambert and Sean K Lambert - House of 1000 Corpses

BEST VISUAL EFFECTS
Peter Pan
Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines
The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
Master & Commander: The Far Side of the World
Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

Honourable Mentions: X2, The Matrix Reloaded & Revolutions, Cypher, Big Fish

GOLD:
The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

SILVER:
Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines
BRONZE:
Peter Pan

BEST MAKE-UP
Monster
Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines
The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

Honourable Mentions: Kill Bill Vol. 1, Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl, Ned Kelly, 28 Days Later, Peter Pan

GOLD:
The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

SILVER:
Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines
BRONZE:
Monster

BEST ORIGINAL SCORE
Thomas Newman - Finding Nemo
Alexandre Desplat - Girl with a Pearl Earring
James Newton Howard - House of Sand and Fog
Craig Armstrong - The Magdalene Sisters
Benoit Charest - The Triplets of Belleville

Honourable Mentions: Cold Mountain, Down With Love, Japanese Story, Travelling Birds, Holes, Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl, Shattered Glass, I'm Not Scared, Dirty Pretty Things, Who Killed Bambi?

GOLD:
Benoir Charest - The Triplets of Belleville

SILVER:
Thomas Newman - Finding Nemo
BRONZE:
Craig Armstrong - The Magdalene Sisters

BEST ORIGINAL SONG
A Mighty Wind - "A Kiss at the End of the Rainbow"
Cold Mountain - "Scarlett Tide"
Cold Mountain - "You Will be My ain True Love"
The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King - "Into the West"
The Triplets of Belleville - "Belleville Rendezvous"

**5/5 With Oscar Shortlist!**

Honourable Mentions: Ned Kelly ("Shelter for My Soul"), Girl with a Pearl Earring ("Girl with a Pearl"), Lost in Translation ("City Girl"), House of 1000 Corpses ("House of 1000 Corpses"), A Mighty Wind ("A Mighty Wind"), Big Fish ("Twice the Love")

GOLD:
The Triplets of Belleville - "Belleville Rendezvous"

SILVER:
Cold Mountain - "You Will Be My Ain True Love"
BRONZE:
Cold Mountain - "Scarlett Tide"

BEST SOUND DESIGN
28 Days Later
Kill Bill, Vol. 1
Master & Commander: The Far Side of the World
The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines

Honourable Mentions: The Matrix Reloaded/Revolutions, Elephant, Seabiscuit, Open Range, Irreversible, Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl, Phone Booth

GOLD:
Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines

SILVER:
The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
BRONZE:
28 Days Later

BEST SOUND EDITING
Kill Bill, Vol. 1
Master & Commander: The Far Side of the World
Open Range
Seabiscuit
The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

Honourable Mentions: Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, Finding Nemo, The Triplets of Belleville, Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl, 28 Days Later, The Matrix Reloaded/Revolutions

GOLD:
Open Range

SILVER:
Seabiscuit
BRONZE:
Kill Bill, Vol. 1

BEST FOREIGN-LANGUAGE FILM
City of God [Cidade de Dues] - Brazil
Irréversible - France
Who Killed Bambi? [Qui a Tue Bambi?] - France
Swimming Pool - France
The Triplets of Belleville [Les Triplettes de Belleville] - France

GOLD:
City of God - Brazil

SILVER:
The Triplets of Belleville - France
BRONZE:
Irreversible - France

BEST ANIMATED/MIXED MEDIA FILM
Finding Nemo
Harvey Krumpet
The Triplets of Belleville

GOLD:
Finding Nemo

SILVER:
The Triplets of Belleville
BRONZE:
Harvey Krumpet

BEST AUSTRALIAN FILM
Alexandra's Project, dir. Rolf de Heer
Gettin' Square, dir. Jonathan Teplitzky
Japanese Story, dir. Sue Brooks
Ned Kelly, dir. Gregor Jordan
Swimming Upstream, dir. Russell Mulcahy

GOLD:
Alexandra's Project

SILVER:
Japanese Story
BRONZE:
Gettin' Square

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ENSEMBLE CAST
A Mighty Wind - Harry Shearer, Catherine O'Hara, Michael McKean, Christopher Guest, Eugene Levy, Bob Balaban, Jane Lynch, John Michael Higgins, Parker Posey, Ed Begley Jr, Fred Willard, Michael Hitchcock, Larry Miller, Jennifer Coolidge, Laura Harris, Linda Kash, Don Lake, Michael Mantell, Christopher Moynihan, Jim Piddock & Deborah Theaker
Mystic River - Sean Penn, Kevin Bacon, Tim Robbins, Marcia Gay Harden, Laurence Fishburne, Laura Linney, Kevin Chapman & Emmy Rossum
The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King - Viggo Mortensen, Ian McKellen, Elijah Wood, Sean Astin, Miranda Otto, Billy Boyd, Orlando Bloom, Andy Serkis, Liv Tyler, Cate Blanchett, Bernard Hill, John-Rhys Davies, Karl Urban, Hugo Weaving, David Wenham, John Noble, Dominic Monaghan and Ian Holm
Shattered Glass - Hayden Christensen, Peter Sarsgaard, Chloe Sevigny, Rosario Dawson, Melanie Lynskie, Hank Azaria and Steve Zahn
The Station Agent - Peter Dinklage, Patricia Clarkson, Bobby Cannavale, Michelle Williams, Raven Goodwin and Paul Benjamin

Honourable Mentions: The Magdalene Sisters, Kill Bill Vol. 1, In America, Master & Commander: The Far Side of the World, 21 Grams, Holes, Open Range

GOLD:
Mystic River

SILVER:
The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
BRONZE:
Shattered Glass

...and now for some non-traditional stuff.

BEST ACTOR IN LIMITED OR CAMEO ROLE
Sonny Chiba - Kill Bill, Vol. 1
Tony Randall - Down With Love
Geoffrey Rush - Intolerable Cruelty
Paul Sorvino - The Cooler
Billy Bob Thornton - Intolerable Cruelty

GOLD:
Goeffrey Rush - Intolerable Cruelty

SILVER:
Sonny Chiba - Kill Bill, Vol. 1
BRONZE:
Billy Bob Thornton - Intolerable Cruelty

BEST ACTRESS IN A LIMITED OR CAMEO ROLE
Anna Faris - Lost in Translation
Daryl Hannah - Kill Bill, Vol. 1
Lisa Kudrow Wonderland
Chiaki Kuriyama - Kill Bill, Vol. 1
Natalie Portman - Cold Mountain
Roberta Rodrigues - City of God

GOLD:
Anna Faris - Lost in Translation

SILVER:
Daryl Hannah - Kill Bill, Vol. 1
BRONZE:
Roberta Rodrigues - City of God

BEST BREAKTHROUGH - PEFORMANCE
Peter Dinklage - The Station Agent
Chiwetel Ejiofor - Dirty Pretty Things
Naomie Harris - 28 Days Later
Shia LeBeouf - Holes
Cillian Murphy - 28 Days Later, Intermission, Cold Mountain and Girl with a Pearl Earring

Honourable Mentions: Angela Bettis (May), Sarah Paulson (Down With Love), Nikki Reed (thirteen), Emma & Sarah Bolger (In America), Keisha Castle-Hughes (Whale Rider), Agnes Bruckner (Blue Car), Melissa Leo (21 Grams)

GOLD:
Chiwetel Ejiofor - Dirty Pretty Things

SILVER:
Cillian Murphy - Those titles
BRONZE:
Naomie Harris - 28 Days Later

(yes, I realise Dinklage was nominated for Best Actor over Ejiofor and Murphy, but I see more "star power" in them than I do in Dinklage and that's not because of his height, okay! Oh, and Evan Rachel Wood had been proving herself to be a great actress on TV)

BEST BREAKTHROUGH - DIRECTING
Catherine Hardwicke - thirteen
Thomas McCarthy - The Station Agent
Lucky McKee - May
Fernando Meirelles - City of God
Billy Ray - Shattered Glass

Honourable Mentions: Rod Zombie (House of 1000 Corpses), John Crowlee (Intermission), Vadim Perelmen (House of Sand and Fog), Patty Jenkins (Monster), Gilles Marchand (Who Killed Bambi?), Marcus Nispel (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre)

GOLD:
Fernando Meirelles - City of God

SILVER:
Thomas McCarthy - The Station Agent
BRONZE:
Billy Ray - Shattered Glass

BEST COMEDIC PERFORMANCE
Jamie Lee Curtis - Freaky Friday
Ellen DeGeneres - Finding Nemo
Johnny Depp - Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl
Lindsay Lohan - Freaky Friday
Bill Murray - Lost in Translation

Honourable Mentions: Diane Keaton (Something's Gotta Give), Catherine O'Hara (A Mighty Wind, David Hyde Pierce & Sarah Paulson (Down With Love), Bobby Cannavale & Patricia Clarkson (The Station Agent), Sandra Oh (Under the Tuscan Sun), Jessica Alba (Honey - This last one isn't intentionally funny, but god if I didn't laugh at her many times.

GOLD:
Johnny Depp - Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

SILVER:
Ellen DeGeneres - Finding Nemo
BRONZE:
Jamie Lee Curtis - Freaky Friday

FUNNIEST FILM OF THE YEAR
Finding Nemo
Freaky Friday
How to Deal
Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl
The Station Agent

GOLD:
Freaky Friday

SILVER:
Finding Nemo
BRONZE:
Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

VILLAIN OF THE YEAR
The Warden, Played by Sigourney Weaver in Holes
DiVAS, Played by Daryl Hannah, Lucy Liu, Vivica A Fox and Michael Madsen in Kill Bill, Vol. 1
Captain Barbossa, Played by Geoffrey Rush in Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl
Sheriff Hoyt, Played by R Lee Ermey in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Evie, Played by Nikki Reed in thirteen

Honourable Mentions: Lil' Ze (Learndro Firmino, City of God), Sauron (er, The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King), Captain Hook (Jason Isaacs, Peter Pan), Leatherface (Andrew Bryniarski, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre), The Terminatrix (Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines), Life (as in general, How to Deal) - If you've seen that last one and appreciated it's hilarity, you'll get a kick out of that mention

GOLD:
Sheriff Hoyt, Played by R Lee Ermey in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

SILVER:
Captain Barbossa, Played by Geoffrey Rush in Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl
BRONZE:
The Warden, Played by Sigourney Weaver in Holes
(they all have such commanding titles, don't they?)

HERO OF THE YEAR
The Fellowship (Together Again... sort of), Played by those people in The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King)
The Bride, Played by Uma Thurman in Kill Bill, Vol. 1
Erin, Played by Jessica Biel in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Madame Souze & Bruno, in The Triplets of Belleville
Wolverine, Played by Hugh Jackman in X2

GOLD:
The Bride, Played by Uma Thurman in Kill Bill, Vol. 1 (anti-hero I suppose, but 'tev)

SILVER:
Wolverine, Played by Hugh Jackman in X2
BRONZE:
Madame Souze & Bruno, in The Triplets of Belleville

SEXPOT OF THE YEAR
Bobby Cannavale - The Station Agent
Hugh Jackman - X2
Ewan McGregor - Down With Love
Rebecca Romijn Stamos - X2
Ludivine Sagnier - Swimming Pool

GOLD:
Hugh Jackman - X2

SILVER:
Ludivine Sagnier - Swimming Pool
BRONZE:
Ewan McGregor - Down With Love

BEST CHARACTER INTRODUCTION
Alan Cumming - X2
Johnny Depp - Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl
Daryl Hannah - Kill Bill, Vol. 1
Lucy Liu - Kill Bill, Vol. 1
Uma Thurman - Kill Bill, Vol. 1

GOLD:
Daryl Hannah - Kill Bill, Vol. 1

SILVER:
Johnny Depp - Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl
BRONZE:
Alan Cumming - X2

BEST "MIX-TAPE" SCORE
28 Days Later
A Mighty Wind
Kill Bill, Vol. 1
Lost in Translation
Monster

Honourable Mentions: House of 1000 Corpses, Elephant, The Company, Love Actually, Blue Car, Big Fish

GOLD:
Lost in Translation (Featuring Kevin Shields, My Bloody Valentine, Death in Vegas, Squarepusher and Brian Reitzell & Roger J Manning)

SILVER:
Kill Bill, Vol. 1
BRONZE:
A Mighty Wind

BEST CONTEMPORARY COSTUME DESIGN
Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle
Intolerable Cruelty
May
A Mighty Wind
Swimming Pool

Honourable Mentions: thirteen, The Company, Mystic River, Cypher, Something's Gotta Give, The Station Agent, Elephant, Shattered Glass, Matchstick Men, Dirty Pretty Things

GOLD:
Mariano Diaz & Marcelo Pequino - May

SILVER:
Durinda Wood - A Mighty Wind
BRONZE:
Mary Zophres - Intolerable Cruelty

BEST CONTEMPORARY PRODUCTION DESIGN
Alexandra's Project
Irreversible
Lost in Translation
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
thirteen

GOLD:
Alain Juteau - Irreversible

SILVER:
KK Barrett & Anne Ross - Lost in Translation
BRONZE:
Ian Jobson & Phil MacPherson - Alexandra's Project

BEST MUSICAL SEQUENCE IN A MUSICAL FILM
The Company - "The Swing"
The Company - "My Funny Valentine"
A Mighty Wind - "A Kiss At the End of the Rainbow"
A Mighty Wind - "A Mighty Wind"
The Triplets of Belleville - "Belleville Rendevous"

GOLD:
The Company - "My Funny Valentine"

SILVER:
The Company - "The Swing"
BRONZE:
A Mighty Wind - "A Kiss at the End of the Rainboy"

BEST MUSICAL SEQUENCE FROM A NON-MUSICAL FILM
Big Fish - "Twice the Love"
Cold Mountain - "I'm Going Home"
Freaky Friday - "Take me Away"
Lost in Translation - "More Than This"/"Penny in Pocket"
The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King - "The Steward of Gondor"

GOLD:
Lost in Translation - "More Than This"/"Penny in Pocket"

SILVER:
Big Fish - "Twice the Love"
BRONZE:
The Lord of the Rings: THe Return of the King - "The Steward of Gondor"

BEST ACTION SEQUENCE
Final Destination - Highway Smash
Kill Bill, Vol. 1 - The House of Blue Leaves/Garden of Snow & Blood
The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King - The Battle of Pellenor Fields
Open Range - Shoot Out
Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines - Crane Demolition

GOLD:
Okay, this is gonna be odd but...
IT'S A FIVE-WAY TIE
I would seriously feel bad for relogating any of these to second, third, fourth or fifth position. Open Range's is one of the best shoot outs ever. Terminator 3 and Final Destination 2 were just balls-to-the-wall mayhem and demolition, Return of the King was epic and concluding while the Kill Bill scene was just an exemplory example of the genre. So... yeah. They all get the gold.

BEST CREDITS SEQUENCE
Hulk
In The Cut
Intolerable Cruelty
Kill Bill, Vol. 1
Willard

Honourable Mentions: Down With Love, The Company

GOLD:
Willard
SILVER:
Hulk
BRONZE:
Kill Bill, Vol. 1

BEST OPENING SEQUENCE
Elephant
House of 1000 Corpses
Intolerable Cruelty
The Triplets of Belleville
X2

Honourable Mentions: City of God, Bad Eggs, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, 28 Days Later, Gerry

GOLD:
X2

SILVER:
House of 1000 Corpses
BRONZE:
The Triplets of Belleville

BEST ENDING
Big Fish
Elephant
Kill Bill, Vol. 1
Lost in Translation
Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines

Honourable Mentions: Monster, Home Room, Holes, City of God, Japanese Story

GOLD:
Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines

(I mean the very ending in the bunker - I can't find any pictures of it. It was, in my mind, the bravest ending to a Hollywood action movie in 2003. It's not very often where the makers tell you flat out that the world is gonna end after the movie finishes)
SILVER:
Big Fish
BRONZE:
Lost in Translation

BEST POSTER DESIGN
All the Real Girls
Elephant
Irreversible
Open Range (Teaser Posters)
Swimming Pool

Honourable Mentions: The Singing Detective, Only the Strong Survive, The Cooler, The Company, Wonderland, Peter Pan

GOLD:
Irreversible

SILVER:
All the Real Girls
BRONZE:
Swimming Pool

BEST TAG LINE
A Mighty Wind - "Back Together Again For The First Time... Again"
Camp - "A Comedy About Drama"
Kill Bill, Vol. 1 - "Here Comes The Bride"
Le Divorce - "Everything Sounds Sexier in French"
Lost in Translation - "Everyone Wants to be Found"
Scary Movie 3 - "Great Trilogies Come in Threes"

GOLD:
Kill Bill, Vol. 1 - "Here Comes The Bride"
SILVER:
Camp - "A Comedy About Drama"
BRONZE:
Lost in Translation - "Everyone Wants to be Found"

HONOURARY UMA AWARD TO THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE FOR HAVING THE BEST TRAILER OF THE YEAR

BEST FILM TITLE
(It's a fine art y'all)
Dirty Pretty Things
Elephant
House of 1000 Corpses
Lost in Translation
Once Upon a Time in Mexico

GOLD:
Dirty Pretty Things
SILVER:
Lost in Translation
BRONZE:
House of 1000 Corpses

BEST PERFORMANCE IN A BAD MOVIE
(aka, the 'It Wasn't Their Fault' Award)
Johnny Depp - Once Upon a Time in Mexico
Colin Farrell - DareDevil
Crispin Glover - Willard
Jennifer Lopez - Gigli (Yes, I am serious)
Scott Speedman - My Life Without Me

GOLD:
Johnny Depp - Once Upon a Time in Mexico

SILVER:
Crispin Glover - Willard
BRONZE:
Scott Speedman - My Life Without Me

BEST SCENE OF THE YEAR
(Excluding previously nominated scenes)
Alexandra's Project - Mysterious Hands
Finding Nemo - Dory Speaks Whale
Girl with a Pearl Earring - Posing for Vermeer
House of 1000 Corpses - "I Remember You"
Lost in Translation - Prison Break
The Magdelene Sisters - Tempting Escape
Master & Commander: The Far Side of the World - The Storm/Man Overboard
Mystic River - Dave, Celeste & the Vampires
Peter Pan - From London to Never-Never Land
Something's Gotta Give - "I can't get through the turtleneck!"

GOLD:
Girl with a Pearl Earring - Painting for Vermeer

SILVER:
Lost in Translation - Prison Break
BRONZE (tie):
House of 1000 Corpses & The Magdelene Sisters

And as a coda, here are my own Razzies. They don't have their name. The winners are in bold

WORST PICTURE
Charlie's Angels 2: Full Throttle
House of the Dead
National Security (Worst Movie I Have Ever Seen)
The Real Cancun
Underworld

WORST DIRECTOR
Uwe Boll - House of the Dead
Dennis Dugan - National Security
Ang Lee - Hulk (ouch)
Mark Steven Johnson - DareDevil
Len Wiseman - Underworld

WORST SCREENPLAY
Charlie's Angels 2: Full Throttle
DareDevil
Mambo Italiano
My Life Without Me
National Security

Dishonourable Mentions: Underworld, DareDevil, Anger Management, House of the Dead

WORST ACTOR
Ben Affleck - DareDevil and Gigli
Eric Bana - Hulk
Shane Brolly - Underworld
Tom Cruise - The Last Samurai
Martin Lawrence - National Security

Dishonourable Mentions: Jesse Spencer (Swimming Upstream), Bernie Mac (Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle), Daniel Letterle (Camp), Scott Speedman (Underworld), Mark Ruffalo (My Life Without Me), Macauley Culkin (Party Monster), Everyone in The House of the Dead

WORST ACTRESS
Kate Beckinsale - Underworld
Jennifer Connolly - Hulk
Demi Moore - Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle
Kelly Rowlands - Freddy Vs Jason
Hilary Swank - The Core

Dishonourable Mentions: Jessica Alba (Honey), That Japanese Lady in The Last Samurai (lol, I know who I'm talking about), Everyone in The House of the Dead