Glenn Sez: Delta Goodrem, The Veronicas, Australian Idol, Silverchair

Hi folks, Glenn here. I thought I'd get back to doing group music posts like this instead of multiple entries about how awesome the new Sugababes/Girls Aloud/Robyn songs are (even though they totally deserve their own entries, but whatev).

First up on the agenda is Delta Goodrem. Delta and I have a troubled history. Could I hate "Born to Try" any more? Perhaps, but I do really dislike that song. I'm not that big a fan of stuff like "Almost Here" and such, but then she also has some amazing songs like "Mistaken Identity", "Out of the Blue", "Will You Fall For Me" and such. So it was with bated optimism that I listened to her new song "In This Life" on her MySpace profile and it's quite good. The chorus is particularly stunning. If this is an indication of her new album (which apparently has a fresher sound? You see she's not suffering from cancer anymore so she can be light and fun but definitely not when she had cancer. No way. cause "Out Of The Blue" was all doom and gloom?) Here's hoping the album is alright. Still, how will she ever beat "Mistaken Identity"?

Moving on to The Veronicas (we have a very Australian theme tonight, don't we gals and gents?) who had dumped the guitars from there quite great debut album The Secret Life Of... and have jumped onto the '80s synth bandwagon with their new track "Hook Me Up" (available on iTunes folks). It's really quite great. We know that Adem at I'm Always Right (a fellow Geelongian btw) loves it. It's no "4ever" or even "Revolution", but it's better than quite a few of the previous album's non-singles. I whole-heartedly nod my head in appreciation. Shame about the terrible single sleeve though.

Moving on to Australian Idol, which I have begrudgingly been watching this year because there is nothing else on television. There's seriously maybe two other shows I need to watch every week. So far this year's season has been sorta lame with a whole lot of acoustic guitar playing by solumb sensitive guys who wear scarves and skinny-leg jeans and a lot of acoustic guitar playing by solumb girls with straight hair and who wear cute white/off-white tops and sing in whispered tones and sound a little like Jewel. Standout Husni - who was like some weird extra terrestrial combination of Prince, George Michael, Madonna and Diana Ross (he's not camp at all) wasn't voted into the final 12, but that Corby kid has and he'll be there until the end because the teeny girls wanna lose their virginity to him (or they wanna pretend they still have their virginity so they can lose it to him) and Jacob fuckin' Butler who was a part of that other TV singing contest/biggest tv debacle ever X Factor. Yawn. Of the girls that featured last night I loved Tarasai and Cheray.

I won't be discussing Idol much (thankfully) because the best man for the job is already doing so. I speak of anagram-loving Scott at Scott to be Certain. He already has detailed/hilarious commentary on all the episodes as well as a top 20 Idol performances countdown and much more. He's amazing. Unlike Daniel Husnif.

Lastly, have we found the best music video of 2007? Perhaps we have in the form of "If You Keep Losing Sleep" by Silverchair (watch it below on MySpace video, I hope the code works!) It's like the opening scenes of Moulin Rouge! mixed with Rocky Horror Picture Show, some of Tod Browning's Freaks and Robert Palmer's "Addicted to Love". Sound great? It is. Plus, the song is pretty cool too!

If You Keep Losing Sleep

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Glenn Sez: Mutyamarda and Amerie

Hi guys! I have two music videos to share with you tonight. Two music videos for awesome songs with only so-so videos. I hate that.

The first is the video for the best song of 2007, "Song 4 Mutya" by Groove Armada and Mutya Beuna. Now, being the best single since Girls' Aloud's 2003 hit "Biology" is something to be proud of, and so they have kept up the tradition of having the best song of the year being matched with a sort of naff video. It's alright as videos go, but ever since I first heard this song I had a million video ideas flowing through my mind. None of them were like this.

Also, the quality is kind of shit (it appears to have been ripped off of a streaming Yahoo site). The video does have dancing bunnies, but I was wanting some sort of psyched out funkidelica inspired happy snappy video filled with jets of colour and lots of sunglasses being pulled to the tip of Mutya's nose so that she can roll her eyes for the camera. Alas...

Still, it is the best song of the year, so I guess it has that going for it.



The second video is for Amerie's "Gotta Work". A completely amazing track that blows most current R&B "divas" out of the water (except for Rihanna who is unsurpassable at this stage in terms of awesomeness). The video, alas, isn't that amazing. It looks flash and all but all it is is Amerie with a bunch of anonymous backup dancers doing some movies in various rooms. She wears pleather at one stage, too.

But, if there's on upside, it's that none of the dancers are in bikinis! Or manning powertools! Or performing yogalates! Or conveniently walking near a fire hydrant just as it errupts covering them in water, resulting in their ill-fitting clothes from becoming even tighter and more inappropriate! So, yay for that!

Glenn Sez: The Spice Girls, Mark Ronson, Justice, Rihanna

Hi guys! It's me again with some stuff about music that probably doesn't interest you!!

The Spice Girls are reforming! To celebrate this momentus occasion I decided to list a few things that are better than The Spice Girls so you can guage how supremely hilarious/awesome this news is.

THINGS THAT ARE BETTER THAN THE NEWS THAT THE SPICE GIRLS ARE REFORMING FOR A WORLD TOUR:
The Sun - Because the sun is pretty awesome if you think about it.

Chinese Takeout - Really! I love Chinese take away food. My dish of choice is the Cashew Beef. Mmmm.

That Episode Of Seinfeld Where Elaine Lived In A Janitor's Closet Just So She Could Get Chinese Takeout - And then the residents of the building made her take the trash to the garbage tip because they thought she was the janitor when really she was just there because the chinese restaurant wouldn't deliver to her side of the street. omglol, right?!

The Secret World of Alex Mack - 5.30 ABC every day was Alex Mack and I loved it!

Loony Guests On Late Night Chat Shows - Like when Crispon Glover was on Letterman.

Tim-Tams - They are the greatest biscuit ever known to mankind.

The Lyric "Ziga-Zig-A" - Let's face it, this is the single greatest lyric in the history of music. Bob Dylan? Pfft. He doesn't know anything about writing lyrics when compared to the awesomeness that is one of the best pop songs ever, "Wannabe".

...and that's about it, really.

Mark Ronson's CD Version has been out in the UK for yonks now, but it's only just come out here and even though I heard it yonks ago too I only really thought of mentioning it now. By now you've surely heard the amazing version of The Smiths' "Stop Me If You've Heard This One Before" retitled simply to "Stop Me" and featuring the vocals of Aussie lad Daniel Merriweather. It's the best song on the CD for sure (they sample lyrics by The Supremes!!!) but I am also quite partial to Ronson's version of The Zutons' "Valerie", now with vocals by Amy Winehouse - her voice is so good. And I also quite like "Oh My God", originally by the Kaiser Chiefs, and now by Ronson with Lily Allen. Ronson's version of Britney Spears' amazing James Bond Theme "Toxic" with lyrics redone by the late Ol' Dirty Bastard and Tiggers is truly bizarre and bonkers, but is kind of fun. Definitely have a peek at the album. You may be surprised.

Justice are being buzzed a lot lately as "the new Daft Punk" and it's fair to say that the title is entirely justified. If you haven't heard lead single "D.A.N.C.E." (which sounds like old school Jackson Five mixed with, you betcha, Daft Punk) then GO LISTEN TO IT RIGHT NOW. It's actually about him too so it makes sense, really. Outside of that obviously radio friendly single the CD † is filled with less in the way of mainstream poppy music and more funky European dance. I am loving "Tthhee Ppaarrttyy" featuring Uffie and "Dvno" fearuing, er, Dvno. It's a pretty great album all up and better than Daft Punk's last CD Human After All (of which I was actually more of a fan than most.)

Lastly, as if all my talk about Rihanna hasn't worn you out: here's more! When I was out on the town last night not only did we hear "Umbrella" multiple times which resuled in the club going off their rocker (seriously, it was like everybody there instantly turned into a pack of feverish rabid... somethings), but they also played "Don't Stop The Music". I originally said that when this song is played in a club it'll make people's heads explode and during this song it was a bloodbath. She still has yet to release "Shut Up and Drive" as her second single, which will be followed by "Don't Stop the Music" as the third. If they're already playing it in clubs then it's going to be huge.

Glenn Sez: Kelly Clarkson

If you go out and purchase Kelly Clarkson's new CD My December (released in July by the way. And what makes December so depressing? IT HAS CHRISTMAS!) you may end up with some contorted look on your face like a character from Ringu or some other Japanese horror movie. You may be asking yourself, much like me, "What happened?" Well, the answer is simple:

THE CURSE OF POP!

This frequent phenomenon happens to an artist who becomes famous or prominant on the back of pop music who then decides to trot out that common phrase "creative control". You see, these artists got famous by making pop music. They got famous because their music was predominantly upbeat and flashy. And then when they have a hit album they think they can dump the style that made them famous and try the music "they always wanted to make" or the music "they have always had in themselves" or whatever stupid thing they wanna say to justify, essentially, flipping their fans off and making a load of self-indulgent awfully misguided claptrap.

Case in point - Kelly Clarkson and her new CD My December (again, what's she got against December?)

In reviewing Kelly's new CD I thought I would go through each track and recommend a better song, because, quite frankly, it's not hard.

"Never Again"
Instead of listening to this sort of dull lead single (that's still one of the better songs on the album) listen to The Veronicas' "When It All Falls Apart". They're both about fucked up relationships, but the latter features the lyric "I should've kicked your ass in bed" and not "I hope the ring you gave to her
Turns her finger green".

"One Minute"
Actually, this song is enjoyable. This is what her Breakaway album was sort of like. Fun and peppy with a rock edge. Still, once the chorus kicks in the song never really takes off. So, instead, listen to Kelly's "Since U Been Gone" and remember how she used to be able to mix it up and be fabulous.

"Hole"
The album really starts to murder my ears at about this point. "Hole" is the moment when any possibility of the album not sucking into oblivion disappears up Kelly's pretenscious rock chick arse. Listen instead to anything by the artist formerly known as Hole (Courtney Love's band). Not only to they mine similar territory, but they do it without the intention of making an album for 13-year-old girls. How about "Miss World". Or "She Walks on Me". Or whatever. Anything. If you do see Kelly on the street give her a hug though. Girl is depressed.

"Sober"
And if "Hole" was where the wheels started to majorly fall off, "Sober" is where they explode and implode at the same time, opening up a parallel universe vortex in which anything that is good and just in the world gets sucked into it and all that is left is this retched minimalistic ballad to remain as master of the universe, reeking havoc from planet to planet by sending anybody able of listening to it into a deep coma from which they will never awake. In an effort to stop said catastrophic event just go listen to Evanescence's "My Immortal" for another thousand times. It may be depressing, but it's not "Sober" and Amy Lee's vocals have feeling and passion. Clarkson's have levels of Enyacity that are off the mothafuckin' charts.

"Don't Waste Your Time"
Oh look! More loud guitars. Clarkson puts a bit more effort into this song, but her voice is actually kind of grating when she has to single against all this loud music. On Breakaway she didn't sound like she had a sore throat from trying to be louder than the guitars. So go and listen to "Behind These Hazel Eyes". If Clarkson wanted to make a rock album why not model songs like that one? Instead they're just filled with guitars, guitars and more guitars.

"Judas"
Oh goodo. Another track about how someone stabbed her in the back. If you want that how about giving spins to Jamelia's "Thank You" or Christina Aguilera's "Fighter". They're both about people fucked over, but how they came through the other side better people. Not only are they great songs, but they have a point other than to point the finger. Kelly needs to go see a therapist or something. This shit is tired.

"Haunted"
Shockingly, this song starts off really great, but then after, like, five seconds it's back to the same ol' same ol', guitars and more guitars singing about how she's "dying inside". Jesus Christ, listen up! I'm all for emotional soul-revealing lyrics, but if Kelly continues to want to market herself to young teenybopper American Idol voting girls she needs to get some catchy hooks (I haven't heard one single hook on the entire album! Shocking!) and interesting tunes (just having multiple guitars rocking out in the background doesn't equal a tune!) and if you are going to continue to plow the depths of your soul don't do it in a "The birds in the sky/They fly so high" kind of way. Go listen to Kylie Minogue's "I Should Be So Lucky". At least that will make your feel better. You should be so lucky that I'm listening to My December and not you.

"Be Still"
See, now this is kind of nice. It never really takes flight in the chorus like it should, but as My December goes, it's probably my favourite track. Clarkson's vocals are nice and the production is the polar opposite of every other track on here - elegant. It's not a knock out of the park, and it doesn't make me forgive her for the monstrosities on the rest of the album, but... yeah, it's nice.

"Maybe"
And then we're back to the shit. At least she admits she "make(s) plenty of mistakes"! That was nice of her. For an alternate track listen to "X-Static Process" from Madonna's (incredibly misunderstood) American Life album. They both follow the same minimal blueprint, but for Madonna, the casual earnestness thing works because of not only her vocal delivery (which is also simple, opposed to Clarkson's unnecessarily forceful), but also it's place within the scheme of the entire album. On "Maybe" it just sounds like another dull ballad to offset the rock tracks. Of course, half way through the track even Clarkson gets bored and decides to throw in a bunch of guitars just for the sake of it.

"How I Feel"
Hey! Breakaway is back! She's still singing about the exact same stuff as before but at least "How I Feel" has a bit of spunk. Still, if you want spunk in teenage girl oriented rock then there's a reason why Avril Lavigne's "Girlfriend" has been #1 all over the world. Again, this is another track that never really gets of the land, but it at least feels like they were trying.

"Yeah"
I love the bit where she says the long-sustained "Yeah!" but the rest is tosh. Am I imagining hearing a bit of Peter Gabriel's classic "Sledge Hammer" in there? Whether I'm imagining better music in my mind or not, you should all go listen to Gabriel's Us album - you've probably forgotten how amazing it is.

"Can I Have A Kiss"
Again, am I imagining another song in here? There is one moment in the song that is continuously repeated and it sounds exactly like a bit from Soundgarden's amazing "Blackhole Sun". "Can I Have A Kiss" is much better during the chorus (which actually does lift the song for a change). It's probably the closest to a memorable hook as I'm likely to find on this album. Still, "Blackhole Sun" is amazing, but you probably already know that don't you? Cause you should. That is how you build a song.

"Irvine"
As opposed to ending on a high note, Clarkson decides to end the album with a ripoff of Christina Aguilera's "I'm Okay". Not only in music production (whispery vocals, strumming guitars) but also in lyrical context - "I'm Okay" is about an abusive parent, "Irvine" seems to be about, just a guess here, dying slowly and wanting somebody to save her (shock of shocks!). I guess this song isn't that bad as these things go, but it's not as good as "I'm Okay" which gets most of it's power from Aguilera's undeniably amazing vocals whereas Clarkson seems to think that sounding hoarse (like a lot of the album) was a good way to get emotion out of it. It's not.

There's also a hidden track called "Chivas" attached to the end of "Irvine", but there's a reason why it's hidden and not on the actual track listing. Needless to say it's another bare minimum ballad about a guy who just wasn't worth all the hassle he put her through.


In conclusion, she should've taken up Clive Davis' offer of $10mil to record a new album, cause this one is terrible. There's no getting around it. There's no great single choices here, there's only two types of tracks. Excessive guitar-lead rock tracks or minimalistic ballads. Every song pretty much deals with the same topic over and over again. Kelly needs to take some prozac or something and get with the program. I don't care about whether she's clinically depressed. And if she's hellbent on making sure I know then do it in an interesting fashion. But My December is filled with depressingly maukish songs, barely any of which are memorable in the slightest and most of which should have been B-Sides at best.

Move along folks, "Since U Been Gone" is so far away from this station that it's painful. How one pop star could fall so far from musical grace is unfathomable. Breakaway = quite good with some great singles. My December = quite crap with no great singles.

Buy it if you like listening to tuneless music about being depressed or want to know about all the terrible shit that's happened to her. Come to think of it. If you liked Babel you'll probably love My December.

I still wanna know what she has against December. Did her puppy die in December? WHAT?!? I need to know. Still, the album cover is great.

Glenn Sez: R Kelly

No, Weird Al Yankovich hasn't suddenly become funny. I am holding in my hot little hands the new CD, entitled Double Up (how romantic), by the one the only R Kelly. I kid you not, this is the funniest CD I have ever heard that wasn't a standup album (and even then...) I was just mentioning this in the last entry, but it got out of control and decided to make an entirely seperate entry. R Kelly deserves it!

I really wish the album sleeve had the lyrics printed in them so I could scan them and prove to you that this is the comedy masterpiece of the decade. So, let's go through the funniest songs and reveal why this is the funniest thing you'll ever hear.

"The Zoo"

I got you so wet/
It's like a rainforest/
Like Jurassic Park/
Except I'm your sex-a-saurus/
You and me hoppin'/
Like two kangaroos/
Rattling and moaning/
Out here in these woods.

I know, right? The entire song is sort of like that.

"Sex Planet"

Jupiter, Pluto, Venus And Saturn/
I'm leavin' Earth girl to explore your galaxy/
Ten to zero, blast off, here we go/
We'll be climaxin' 'til we reach Mercury girl.

Oh dear.

"Havin' a Baby"

While I can't believe I'm gonna be a father/
In nine months a child will be born/
Baby, you're pregnant in April/
Which means we're havin a capricorn /
I'm so glad to be a part of this/
Cause girl a child is heaven sent/
This is a blessing to me/
To have you with my seed.

Aah, yes. Nothing says "I'm so happy we're having a baby" than "my girl has my seed!"

"Rock Star"

Girl, yo booty so swole/
How you get them jeans around it/
Girl, yo booty so swole/
Why you think I'm singin' 'bout It /
Hit it hard from the back/
Then I go to sleep and dream 'bout it/
It's like that ass is crack/
They way you got me feenin' 'bout it/
I'm tellin you now the way we fuckin'/
Gon' lead to child birthin'.

Firstly, what does "swole" mean? Secondly, this song is kind of annoying in that the music itself is really quite good and could have been a legitimately good track, but instead we get more lyrics about R Kelly's "seed".

"Leave Your Number"

Leave your name right after the beep and I'm/
Sure to get back with you/
If I'm not asleep or/
Smoking on some trees or/
Having a little sex or/
If I'm not faded or/
Making a baby.

Reinterpreting the theme to The Greatest American Hero is risky, but I think the amount of depth and pathos that Kellz (as he calls himself a lot) brings out is amazing.

"Best Friend"

[Polow Da Don:]
Yo what up my nigga you straight? any thing i can get you?
[R Kelly:]
This toilet paper be cuttin' my ass i need some roles of tissue/
Charmin, Nigga what happened to those squares yo ass promised/

...do I even need to say anything?

"Freaky In The Club"

That money/
Make the pretty puss taste like honey/
By the way she's windin' it on me/
My goodness girl, you so freaky/
You so freaky (Oh)/
Girl and the way you flexin' that g-string/
And you got me tossin' this money/
I got hotel keys/
Wanna leave with me.

The amount of times I've heard guys use the cliche "Girl, the way you flexin' yo g-string makes me wanna toss this money" line I'd be a millionaire.

"Same Girl"
Now, this song by Kelly and Usher doesn't actually have incredibly hilarious lyrics (just bad ones), but I need to make mention of the best press release of all time.

Once in a lifetime do two mega stars come together. Rarely do such people put aside difference and ego and show the bravery and confidence needed to do something together. And when it happens the people stop, listen and watch. For a moment the world stops...

Yes. If you do listen to the song (and, well, it's probably the worst duet I've heard in a long long time, perhaps ever) then realise this apparently mind-blowing once in a lifetime duet is deep and plows emotional depths previously uncharted territory for both men.

Rarely do we hear the fellas tell of being two timed and played. Never out the mouths of sex symbols like R. Kelly and Usher. But here they are. Saying it for the world to hear.

*nods in agreement* So deep...

"Real Talk"

Fuck Me? Girl, fuck you/
I don't give a fuck about what you talking about/
Im sick of this bullshit I'm coming home and getting my shit and gettin the fuck up out in a dodge/
You ain't gotta worry about me no more/
And the next time your ass get horny/
Go fuck one of your funky ass friends/
Hell, you probably doing that shit anyway.

And sort of like how the celebrity rape sequence derails the hilarity in the comedy film masterpiece Showgirls, this scary misogynistic swear-laden diatribe kind of kills the atmosphere. Although I did snicker at "funky ass fiends" I must say.

There's also a few other songs I haven't quoted. There's actually a tribute song to the victims of the Virginia Tech massacre called "Rise Up". I KNOW!

I gotta say though that my favourite moment in the funniest album of all time was the chorus from "Sweet Tooth" in which R Kelly quite literally equates "fine assed women" to food-stacked refrigerators. I kid you not!

Got a sweet tooth for you girl/
Baby I'm tempted to taste/
I can't wait to drink your milk/
Your looking like a big whole piece of cake/
I'm all up in your middle/
oooh it taste like skittles.

Well, is there any arguing with him there? She looks like cake and tastes like skittles!


For a grade, something like Double Up transcends all letter and star grades. So I'm inventing a special grade.


FOUR TIM TAMS OUT OF A PICKLE. It's the only grade that makes nearly as much sense as this album!

Glenn Sez: Kelly Rowland, Enrique, Rihanna

So, I've always liked Kelly Rowland more than Beyonce, it's just that B is way more prolific so she kind of hogs the attention like that. Kelly feels less plastic fantastic and less preened to celebrity. Having said that, her first CD was a dog (does anyone even remember it?) so I am so happy that she's back with a new CD entitled Ms. Kelly and from the tracks that I've heard so far it's actually quite great. Still, it could turn out to be actually quite crap, but I hold faith.

Forget the fact that she is wearing a hideous silver panterloon jumpsuit on the album sleeve though. The first single is "Like This" featuring Eve (listen to it here) which is pretty good as these sort of songs go - I can just imagine it being sung by someone monotone like Ciara who sucks the fun out of anything she ever sings. I am also quietly in love with "Comeback" and the remix of "In Love With My Ex" is the third most played song on my iTunes. Ever. Only Groove Armada and Mutya's "Song 4 Mutya" and Madonna's "Get Together" are higher. Impressive, non?

So, my newly ignited love for, of all people, Enrique Iglesias is officially OVER. I've mentioned earlier about how much I liked first single "Do You Know (The Ping Pong Song)" and after last weeks G-A-Y shenanigans I thought "hey, maybe, he's for real this time!" Alas, no. He's just as boring as he always was. And in case listeners had forgotten his blandness they tacked on dance remixes of "Hero" and "Not in Love" onto his new CD Insomniac. Not even Enrique is free from the dreaded "Featuring Lil' so-and-so" curse. Why does he need a song with Lil' Wayne? Honestly. Ugh. You blew your chance Enrique! Sometimes I coulda swore I was listening to Richard Marx by, er, Richard Marx. Except without "Right Here Waiting". Or "Should've Known Better". Oh! Oh! Or without "Endless Summer Nights". Man, I was totally addicted to that album as a wee-little five-year-old in 1990.


Why couldn't Enrique have taken a page out of Rihanna's book. She entered 2007 with an uncertain career, but by April she had emerged with "Umbrella" and instead of resting on her laurels she went on to make what will surely be one of the albums of the year and rescued her career. THAT is how a pop career revival is supposed to happen!

Here's Rihanna giving an electric performance at the MTV Movie Awards. If you need any more evidence to the fact that "Umbrella" is the zeitgeist hit of the year then just pay attention to the moment when Rihanna emerges from beneath the stage to those rockin' guitars. She's workin' it and everybody is going apeshit over her. A-Maze-Ing-!!! Just ignore that she's wearing a repurposed garbage bag-tutu ensemble, okay.

Rihanna ft Jay-Z- Umbrella
Uploaded by elcorillord

God, how amazing is that?!? The entire part after the slow refrain in the middle is just crazy brilliant. If it was at all possible for me to love this song even more, I think they just accomplished it. I wish the album version ended the way the live performances do with that final bang, ya know? That umbrella choreography is so cool. I'm kinda gonna practice that tomorrow. But... do I have an umbrella?

Glenn Sez: Kylie, Idol Singers, La Vie En Rose

Hi y'all! Glenn here. I got some shit to say so sit down and listen... or, casually glance over it?

Kylieomg! Everyone who has their toes wading in the pool of pop knows that the worst-kept secret for many many years is that Kylie Minogue is greedy. And I don't mean that in the dirty money grubbing way, no. I mean that Kylie is sort of notorious for recording way too many tracks for albums. Way too many that she (and us, natch) could ever hope to put onto an album plus singles and b-sides. Word is that Minogue, for her comeback album with the working title of Kylie X (which I hope they keep. It's fabulously retro and futuristic), has recorded something like 70 tracks... and rejected them all. Of course, some of the tracks are (suspiciously, if you believe the rumours) leaking out of Kylie HQ and onto the net. I can confirm that "In My Arms" is pop brilliance and if this is what she's recording, listening to and going "Hmmm, no" about then Kylie X is going to be THE GREATEST ALBUM OF ALL TIME!!! I keed you not, if "In My Arms" were the first track to be released people would be shoutin', hootin' and hollerin' claiming it as nothing but amazing. "Stars" is also quite addictively amazing with a slightly more guitar-lead chorus. "Fall For You" and "Lose Control" are quite good too and would make perfectly adaquate album tracks.

Alas, they will not be on the album. They may not even be b-sides (and her b-sides can be quite good sometimes, hello "Made of Glass"). Man, I don't think rejected material has ever made me so jazzed about an upcoming project. Of course, the sneaky leaking of this material means nobody else can record it and release it (or, most likely not) and so those song writers who wrote them aren't gonna make a pittance. Oh well. If you can search these tracks out on the net (the place where music matters is always a good place to start I guess) then do so. They're better than Madonna's "Hey You"!

Likeomgdeangeyeromg!!!! Did you, like, totally watch Australian Idol Last year? Because, like, omigod, right? Dean Geyer is sooooo hot omigod. Like, I totally had to listen to his album, Rush for work and, oh. my. god. Guess what! Guess what! GUESS WHAT!! You'll never guess! Omigod.

...it's not that good. BUT, and this is entirely worthy of going into fits of "omigod!"s. He has a song called "She Comes in Waves", with the following chorus:

She comes in waves/
And then slips away/
And I wish she'd stay/
But you can't always get what you want/
And she comes in waves/
Here she comes.

...omigod, right?!

I must say though, I have mentioned many times before about my dislike for celebrity men to be all waxed and preened (or, obviously so I should say) so I commend Geyer for embracing his chest hair inside the album sleeve (open shirt, gents/ladies. but if you want the rest you can lookie over here or modfab did a collage last year). I didn't expect that from him. I know it's strange that I'm even discussing this, but his album is so incredible same-same throughout it's 12 tracks that pretty boy ogling was something to pass the time. Still, though, could the album cover be more bland?

Speaking of Australian Idol contestants, it came to my attention (and to my ears attention, unfortunately) that first season contestant and failed chart act Cosima DeVito is releasing a new single. It's titled "Keep It Natural" and it's quite ridiculous. When I saw the CD sitting on the desk at work me and The Boss joked about her not getting the message the first time around, naturally though, I had to take it so I could pay her out and get paid for it whereas here I just get the smug satisfaction of criticising it purely for the fun of it.

Oh! But it was totally worth is, actually, because now I've gotten the chance to here Cosima's desperate (and way too late) try at becoming some sort of gay icon. The dance remixes are utterly shite. So if they play this in the clubs and you see people dancing to it you know they have shite taste in music and you need to find someone else to pash.

Edith Piaf! Is she going to have the biopic-fueled chart resurgance that greeted the likes of Ray Charles and Johnny Cash in recent years? Perhaps. Perhaps not. But I must say I'm not exactly a fan of french music (outside of film scores I guess) but I figured I should take the La Vie En Rose soundtrack and educate myself before the film's release (which is?)

Things I can assume after listening to the soundtrack:

1. Marion Cotillard mimes the songs in the film because all the tracks are credited to Piaf. It's more Ray than Walk the Line on that account.

2. There is up to 11 songs in the movie. Out of the 27 tracks on the soundtrack, 11 are Piaf songs, 9 are score tracks (which are nice, but a bit samish) and 7 "additional" tracks, for some reason. Are these original songs? The album sleeve states they're just 2007 tracks (whereas the others said "1950/2007"), but there is singing on them? So... original songs?

3. Marion Cotillard is probably going to be able to pull a lot of cutesy faces.

4. Marion Cotillard is probably going to be the "exotic" choice in this Oscar season if early word is correct. Is Julie Christie going to be the Helen Mirren? Oh, it's too early for that...

...my in depth analysis is totally scientific doncha know.

Glenn Sez: Rihanna

Hi chippers, Glenn here. This week I'm here to actually recommend something. And it's quite something, really. It's the new CD by that oddball pop thingamajig Rihanna. She of terrible first album in 2004, who then shocked everybody by releasing one of the best singles of 2005 in the form of "SOS", which quickly followed by her second album is as many years that was, yes, terrible. So it with with cautious optimism that when "Umbrella", the lead single from her third album in three years (does she ever stop and breathe?) On one one, the song was one of those truly rare freakin' brilliant zeitgeist moments for pop music. And on the other hand, "SOS" was a whole of alright and the album turned to the shitter.

But it is with happy enthusiasm that I can announce her new album Good Girl Gone Bad - which is merely based on a song title because surely she has it the wrong way around. She was never "good", nor has she turned "bad", unless bad is new slang for "better than she has any right to be" - is really quite amazing. I shall guide you through it.

Track 1 - "Umbrella" (featuring Jay-Z)
Apart from the dreadful opening rap number as a ridiculous method of getting the song played on American radio (without the ubiquitous rap, no one will play it? That's crazy), this song is 20 different kids of awesome, and probably a few more kinds of awesome than have yet to be discovered by humanoid ears. It's all crunchy guitars and a wave-your-hands-in-the-air chorus that'll get your feet moving and make you go into a singing fit of "ella-ella-ella-eh-eh-eh". If someone had never heard the song they'd think you were a freak. Until they heard it and realised you were Jesus and "Umbrella" was your ten commandments. Or something. That analogy didn't quite work, but essentially: "Umbrella" = Jesus.

Track 2 - "Push Up On Me"
So, now I know what happened to Salt-n-Pepa! Rihanna beat them up with a meat mallet and then ate their bloody pulpy remains and soaked up their retro vibes from when, ya know, hip-hop music was actually about making you dance and not putting you into a coma. It's much more dance-oriented than that style of hip-hop, but I can totally get into that groove. It's fun. This song is made to have a video in which Rihanna does that thing that so many singers do these days where they move their arms and their chest in rhythm so it looks like they're using a horizontal jackhammer. Or something like that. Ya know?

Track 3 - "Don't Stop The Music"
This one samples Michael Jackson's "Wanna Be Startin' Something" is it is quite amazing. It's a flatout dance track and this is gonna make your head explode when you hear it in a club, no doubt. Seriously. This absolutely must be a single. If it's not a single then I will put it on a cd and mail it to every DJ in the country so that they play it and it charts on the club charts and the company finally uses their limited brain capacity and releases it officially with about 239583 different remixes. It's that good.

Track 4 - "Breakin' Dishes"
Okay, Rihanna is angry. Am loving the "I don't know who you think I am" part. This song is all about being so angry that she wants "break dishes on your head" and she's not gonna stop "until [she] sees police lights". omigod, right? This has also gotta be a single, surely. We need another angry-female song on the charts. I think this song includes everything but the kitchen sink.

Track 5 - "Shut Up and Drive"
Like "SOS" and "Don't Stop The Music", this song uses another prominant '80s sample. This time it's that apex of '80s cool, "Blue Monday". It's not as in-your-face as "SOS", but it's there and it's awesome. This song is set to be the second single and while I really love it, but it's clearly no "Umbrella" or "Don't Stop the Music", ya know?

Track 6 - "Hate That I Love You" (feat Ne-Yo)
Okay, so a major change of pace here. Considering it's with Ne-Yo we shouldn't be surprised. But, considering it's Ne-Yo I'm actually surprised I like this track as much as I do (his stuff is usually tosh apart from Beyonce's "Irreplacable", but I didn't have to listen to his whiney voice in that one, he just right). This will most likely be a single - the third, most likely, because music execs like to make sure that the third single is a slower one so that it attracts new buyers. Anyway, the song is nice and lovely and is a gallant effort at a ballad by Rihanna.

Track 7 - "Say It"
This is more in line with what she was doing with her last two albums (reggae-tinged pop), and it may just be my favourable reaction to this CD so far that makes me not hate it as much as would if the rest of the album was shite. It's definitely one of the lesser tracks on the CD. It's sort of boring and I could imagine taking a snooze while it was on and dreaming about a calypso paradise.

Track 8 - "Sell Me Candy"
Clearly the best title on the CD, the song is utterly bizarre. Not as immediate as the first five tracks, but it gets there in the end. The chorus makes it better than the verses would have you believe. It sounds tribal, but bouncy. And it's only 2 minutes 45 seconds so it's over before you really get a chance to get overly annoyed. I've found myself liking it more on repeated listens though. That chorus has something.

Track 9 - "Lemme Get That"
Set the sounds of a marching band (cheering included), I am really getting into the groove of this track. Her delivery is eccentric, but it's fun. Actually. I really like it. I really really like it. There aren't enough tubas in pop music today, don't you think? I think she mentions burning furniture, too so that's all sorts of unreal. The end is odd. It probably would have worked better without the fadeout... thing. It's not an actual fadeout, but it is. I'm making no sense. I like the song.

Track 10 - "Rehab"
This is the track written by Justin Timberlake and produced by Timbaland. Thank god Timbaland didn't waste this track on his dreadful Shock Value album (yeah, it was atrocious). This feels like a quasi-outtake from JT's great FutureSex/LoveSounds album, except Rihanna doesn't sound laughable singing about being a badass or whatever (which JT obviously would). I could have done without the ubiquitous JT/Timbaland cameos (must they do that every single time?) If you like JT's "What Goes Around... Comes Around", then I'm sure you'll like this. I doubt the video would have Rihanna and Scarlett Johansson make out in a pool... and then in a staircase... and then on a lounge... and then have ScarJo get pulvarised in a car accident. Although that'd be sort of great, wouldn't it?

Track 11 - "Question Existing"
Interesting song. The music is great. I wanna wrap myself up in it's '80s essense. But, the vocals have been computerised and buried under zips, zaps and swirls. The "dear diary" parts are nice I guess. I definitely like the song, and it could be a grower. Seems much more personal than the rest of the album though.

Track 12 - "Good Girl Gone Bad"
A nice closer to the album I guess. It's another slower track, but it's not a "slow jam". In fact, I quite like the song. There'll be an acoustic b-side of this at some stage I can tell.

Final Thoughts:
Yeah, it's really really great. Buy it. If it's your thing. Don't be turned off by the fact that her first two albums are dire shite, because here she's the real deal. Finally making an album and not merely a collection of possible singles, most of which sound the same as each other, ya know? And, seriously, there are some great songs on here. I'm gonna be addicted to "Don't Stop the Music" just like I've been obsessed with "Umbrella".

It's the sort of album that will take the winter blues away from us in the southern hemisphere, while giving those in the northern hemisphere are perfect summer confection. Don't stop this music, please.

Glenn Sez: Cicada, Feist, Ultra Nate

Hi! Glenn here. Your (not-so) friendly Stale Popcorn blogger. I'm here to tell you my thoughts on some of the stuff happening in the music world right now. One of which is the new (well, sort of) CD by Cicada (yeah, I don't know why they're named after a noisy insect either). I'm here to warn you. Do not buy it. Don't go into the music store and contemplate it. Don't go onto iTunes and think "Oh, why not?" Don't even download it illegally. It's rubbish. It's also frightfully depressing for a so-called dance record. I had to turn it off by track five and then when I went back to it a day later I just couldn't continue after track seven. It's atrocious. I flicked through the rest of it and it doesn't get much better, but self-torturing my ears isn't fun y'all.

I got this dreadful waste of space free, thank god, so that you don't have to get it all! Follow my advice and you'll be better for it!

The new Feist CD is a tad twee, don't you think? A lil' bit cutesy-moopsy? I do like that "Sealion" song though. Mainly because it doesn't sound twee or cutest-moopsy at all, and that's a good thing! If twee cutesy-moopsy Canadians are your bag (honestly?) then I suppose you'll like it.

Lastly, that ridiculously amazing Ultra Nate remake of "Automatic" is the greatest thing in the history of Pointer Sister remakes, and the video clip is the gayest thing you're ever likely to see on YouTube. Seriously though, who hasn't thought about masturbating to euro-trance cover versions of Pointer Sisters songs? Can any one person say that has never crossed their mind? Remember: You're only lying to yourself if you deny it.



Thank you for your time. You've been great.

Cheers.

Glenn.