Australian Films of 2006

The last few reviews are up

These last few weekends I have been attending the AFI Festival of Film, which is screening the 15 films (plus the nominated documentaries, shorts and animation) eligible for this year's Australian Film Institute Awards. I thought I'd keep a journal of the movies I'm seeing, just like I did for the Melbourne Film Festival. Two of these films, Irresistible and Like Minds are actually 2006 releases (but they wouldn't have challenged any categories in the 2006 UMAs. Oddly, two other 2006 releases that weren't eligible for last year's AFIs are Happy Feet and BoyTown and, for whatever reason, didn't show up on this year's ballot. Weird. It's disappointing that The Jammed isn't eligible as it could have been a real force to be reckoned with. Oh well.


4, dir. Tim Slade (doco)

Unfortunately unforseen issues meant I was unable to attend the 4 screening. I hope to see it on DVD.

The Bet, dir. Mark Lee

The feature debut of Mark Lee who some of you will remember as the lead from 1980's Gallipoli. You know, the one who wasn't Mel Gibson. The Bet is a tightly wound little thriller. It's sort of like that David Wenham/Anthony Lapaglia movie The Bank, which was also about the stock market, but without the incredibly ridiculous ending (remember Anthony running around with a giant shotgun! lol), although this movie does have a weak final section it's forgivable. The actors are all good enough (I always enjoy seeing Sibylla Budd is anything) and it looks and sounds great with photography by Hugh Miller and original music by John Grey. I was impressed by The Bet, although I could see it's small beginnings (it received no government funding) behind the seams. B

Burke & Wills, dir. Oliver Torr & Matthew Zeremes

Well done to writers, producers and directors Torr and Zeremes for getting Burke & Wills made and then distributed, but unfortunately it's more a success in that area than it is in more crucial aspects. It comes as no surprise to learn that the story of Burke & Wills (not based on the famous story of "Burke and Wills") was originally intended for the stage, because it does feel very stagy. The performances feel cagey, although Zeremes does have some very find moments and shows promise as a screen actor. Perhaps it was the nature of Torr's character of Burke that made him so frustrating, but I wanted a few more facial expressions out of him thank you. There are some moments that indeed show promise behind the camera as well, but it's not enough to make this any more than a hardcore independent feature that ran out of money - there is literally no third act, which - considering where the film ended - could have really improved the film. Oh well, dems are the breaks of independent film making. C

Clubland, dir. Cherie Nowland

I wasn't exactly anticipating Cherie Nowlan's first theatrical feature film since 1997's quite great Thank God He Met Lizzie (with Cate Blanchett and Richard Roxburgh, she has since been working on TV such as the Small Claims miniseries). From the sounds of it it was exactly the sort of movie that Australians have made 1000 times before, but I was pleasantly surprised to discover that it was much better than I had been lead to think. I can't quite put it into words, but it was a nicely blended mix of comedy and drama with fine performances by Brit-import Brenda Blethyn, newcomers Khan Chittenden (much better here than in the vile West, below) and Emma Booth, and industry stalwarts like Frankie J Holdon and Rebecca Gibney. The writing is well done with some great comedy routines for Blethyn stand up comedian mother and a "coming of age" tale that actually feels real ("Is this the Samantha incident all over again?") Definitely a strong contender. B

Dr Plonk, dir. Rolf de Heer

Trust the UMA winning director of eclectic films such as Ten Canoes, Bad Boy Bubby and The Tracker to follow up his biggest success financially, critically and awards-wise with a silent black and white comedy about a time-travelling professor. Made using an original hand-cranked camera and unused black and white film stock and employing a main cast of only three (including Magda Szubanski and Adelaide street Performer Angus Lunghi, aka Mr Spin), Dr Plonk is, quite frankly, the funniest movie of the year. Revelling in the slapstick comedy of the silent era (what with people slipping on banana skins it's like a classy Australia's Funniest Home Videos!) de Heer has crafted a truly original and special piece of cinema. It certainly won't be to everyone's tastes, but if you're willing to give it a try I'm sure you'll enjoy it.

The, best described, inspired lunacy really picks up in the second half of this 80-minute film when Dr Plonk begins travelling back and forth between 1907 and 2008, where people sit like drones in front of the tv watching commercials for a tv movie "The World Is Ending". One scene involving a chase from two police officers is particularly fantastic. I would recommend this to anyone willing to give it a try. De Heer has done it again. A-

Forbidden Lie$, dir. Anna Broinowski (doco)

A hilariously entertaining documentary about one of the most bizarre literary stories of the last decade. It involves the case of Norma Khouri who wrote a book called Forbidden Love about her Muslin friend in Jordon who was murdered by her family in an "honour killing". She wrote the New York Times Bestseller, went of talk shows (there's even a clip from USA Today) and did talks about the subject. And then it was later revealed as a fake. The film, for the first half, follows this story through dramatised sequences and discussion about the topics and such and then the second half of the film is Khouri vehemently trying to defend herself to director Broinowski. They even travel to Jordan where Khouri believes she will be murdered. And then it turns out she's on FBI's watch list! It turns out that every single name, place, time and detail in the book was changed to "protect her family" and we never do find out what's real and what's not. What we do realise is Norma Khouri is fucked up. Drags towards the end, unfortunately. B

The Final Winter, dir. Brian Andrews & Jane Forrest

Okay, first things first: I hate rugby league. No, scratch that. I loathe rugby league. Sure, if I bothered to sit down and watch a match I might get one single iota of an idea as to what in god's name is going on in that ridiculous mess of a game, but why would I wanna punish myself. Last year's worst movie was another Aussie film about rugby so I was wary of The Final Winter but while I didn't have any idea what these people were talking about it wasn't anywhere near as bad as that retched Footy Legends. There were good performances here and it brought up some interesting stuff, such as Australia sporting culture and brought back a time when men had to be men and all that junk, just not enough of it. I wouldn't recommend it for a trip to the cinema, but it's not all bad. I must say that I was disappointed that there were all these locker room scenes and yet not once did we get to see yummy Nathaniel Dean in his skivvies. POOR FORM, GUYS! C+

Global Haywire, dir. Bruce Petty (doco)

Unfortunately unforseen issues meant I was unable to attend the Global Haywire screening. I hope to see it on DVD.

Gone, dir. Ringan Ledwidge

I have issues with Ledwidge's post-Wolf Creek desert thriller. Routinely in horror/thriller movies us audiences begrudge the characters who are idiots and don't simply leave when they get a chance or who, when it comes to fighting the evil baddie, just don't think with any common sense. Well, and here is spoiler territory if you were at all interested (Aussie box office suggests nobody is), in Gone it's all buildup to what is surely a big finale, but once the main girl realises who the American travelling with them really is (dun dun duunnnn) she manages to escape rather easily (due some fortunate wire meshing) and then it ends. It's like some anti-horror movie. All buidup and then when you think the girl is going to be stupid she actually, shock, turns out to be smart and manages to outsmart the killer much fasther than normal. It's weird. C

The Home Song Stories, dir. Tony Ayres

Yes, Joan Chen gives a performance as great as you've heard. Chen is incredibly strong in Tony Ayres' followup to multi-AFI winning Walking on Water film. Thankfully, she doesn't go entirely overboard which, like Brenda Blethyn in Clubland, could have seriously hampened the film experience. Strong work is also put forth by newcomer Irene Chen (no relation) as her daughter. The film looks great, and there is a very well-done third act to give the viewer the allusion that the entire film was as strong. Unfortunately, the second act drags as the story goes around in circles of men, yelling, suicide, making up, etc. However, the final scenes do pack a punch. B-

Irresistible, dir. Ann Turner

Another incrediblty strange movie. Not only does this suburban thriller (or sorts) have Susan Sarandon and Emily Blunt amongst it's major cast members (I know) it's also like some upscale made-for-tv movie that somehow came upon a theatrical release. I mean, things you will find in Irresistible:

Susan Sarandon stalking in the bushes! Insane people! Long lost daughters! A court case! Restraining orders! Possibly incestious love scene! Domestic violence! Alcoholism! Sarandon being attacked by a swarm of wasps! Suspicious wives! Hysterical mothers! Orphans! Pottery!

At times it can be hilarious entertaining (such as seeing Susan Sarandon crouch in the bushes and break into people's homes), or it can also be silly and ridiculous (such as seeing Susan Sarandon crouch in the bushes and break into people's homes). The wasp scene was particularly disturbing for me considering my phobia of them (thank god there weren't any clowns because I may have just flipped my shit.) Still, the one thing that perplexes me still is why a character born in America and raised in Australia (I think) has a British accent. C+

Like Minds, dir. Gregory J Read

Also known as Murderous Intent overseas. An overly confusing bunch of nonsense that gets by because it's well shot and the actors are trying to keep your interest. The story stops making sense at about the 10 minute mark when flashbacks upon flashbacks start. I wonder why Toni decided to take the role in this movie? What does Gregory Read have on her? C

Lucky Miles, dir. Michael James Rowland

--Comments here. Essentially, it was cute and charming, but far too long for such a simple premise. B-

Noise, dir. Matthew Saville

And the prize for most improved goes to Noise. I have previous discussed Matthew Saville's feature debut (after brilliant TV work such as We Can Be Heroes and Love My Way and the short Roy Hollsdotter Live). I decided to see this one a second time because I had nothing better to do and, I'll be damned, I now love this movie. If Noise isn't in my top five for the year then it will have been a very good year for movies. Something about this second viewing deeply moved me. I grew to appreciate Brendan Cowell even more and loved Maia Thomas' debut as the traumatised massacre survivor. I can't quite put my finger on what it was exactly but sometimes a movie just clicks and it's magic. I felt that this time. It was fantastic. A

Razzle Dazzle: A Journey Into Dance, dir. Darren Ashton

LOL I know the whole "mockumentary" thing is getting very stale, but here in Australia I reckon it's as alive as ever (with programs such as We Can Be Heroes, Kath & Kim and Summer Heights High and this film). A comedy about the goings on behind the scenes at two dance child dance academies during the leadup to an annual prized dance competition. It has obsessive mothers (Kerry Armstrong is a hoot), campy choreographers (Ben Miller's Mr Jonathan is obviously riffing off of Corky St Clair), tutus, and 10-year-olds dancers dressed in burkas. There are plenty of hilarious one-liners and the costumes are great to look at. Overall it's just a fun time at the movies. B+

Rogue, dir. Greg McLean

Already discussed here. In summary though, Rogue is a well-made fun entertaining and scary monster flick, which is in stark contrast to the sort of scares director Greg McLean had on offer for his prior film Wolf Creek. As a moviegoing experience I liked it more, but as a filmmaking exorcise it's not quite as good. But, that's neither here nor there really. B+

Romulus, My Father, dir. Richard Roxburgh

A bit of a disappointment for me. It's not bad or anything, but it's not particularly enthralling cinema here. It follows the same path over and over again. Franka Potente shows up. Franka fights with Eric Bana. Franka leaves. Eric and son bond. Franka shows up. etc yada blah blah blah. It's wonderfully shot and Bana gives a good performance (but not one of his best), but the little kid (Kodi-Smit McPhee) pissed me off - "IT'S ME!". C+

West, dir. Daniel Krige

Ugh, do I have to? Paul at Melbourne Film Blog already said everything there is to day, but I guess I'll regurgitate it (regurgitate is an appropriately ugly word to use for West). It's basically a bunch of horrible lowlives who take and sell drugs, drink constantly, have no lives outside of taking and selling drugs and drinking constantly, who suddenly both fall for the same woman. It's a romantic comedy! No. Not at all. Every character is detestible. Am I meant to be rooting for these guys? Am I meant to feel sad when one of the main characters jumps in front of a train? The only good part was the storyline involving a hitrun victim who chooses to dump the drug lifestyle, but the film decided to focus all it's time and energy on revolting cretenous wastes of space instead of a possibly uplifting and human tale. West has, quite frankly, nothing going for it. And not even the opening credits (yes, Paul, I didn't like them either!) F

Words From the City, Natasha Gadd & Rhys Graham

Wall-to-wall hip-hop here, that serves to make the film both rauciously entertaining, but also frightfully depressing. Australia's hip-hop scene hasn't reached the mainstream level of success that America's has (although Hilltop Hoods have) so our music hasn't reached the tipping point of crap. American hip-hop used to be amazing, and now it's just monotone bores who can't speak properly, who dance around in Louis Voitton and think (think?) having bikini-clad boob jobs in their videos makes them great. By contrast many of the artists in Words from the City come off as articulate, smart and socially conscious people who deserve more respect than they get. B


That's it folks.

Update?

Sorry about the lack of updates lately. I'm tres busy with movie watching, work, friends and family members in hospital, napping, general social activities and the like. On Monday I'll have write ups from the last of my AFI screenings including the much anticipated Rogue from Wolf Creek director Greg McLean. I'm seeing the highly-touted arthouse box-office phenom The Jammed on Tuesday and will have some words on that. Plus I will finally get around to starting that countdown thing I've been mentioning in bits and pieces for the last few weeks.

I also saw Ratatouille tonight and it's very good. I'm seeing Hairspray next week IN GOLD CLASS and I'm very very excited - my two big anticipated "summer" movies finally arriving. Yay.

I did get to meet Paul from Melbourne Film Blog today at the AFI screening of (the horrendous) West, so that was pretty awesome. How horrendous is West? Quite horrendous, actually. So "quite horrendous" in fact that I thought to myself "Fuck it! I'm giving it an F!" because I can't think of one redeeming feature about it other than "Khan Chittenden has nice stubble." Which he does. And that's about it.

Anyway, until I get to write something again here is the new Sugababes video. It's for the song "About You Now", which I've discussed earlier, from their upcoming album Change. It's.. umm... well, it's better than the "Song 4 Mutya" video, so it's got that going for it. And the three 'babes look good (Ammelle especially). I'm not really sure what anything in the video has to do with anything else though. And there's bits in the song that aren't in the radio version. Annoying? Yes. I had learned the song back-to-front and then they go and change it up on me. THANKS A LOT!

Awesome Forgiving Action!

Found this at The Hot Blog. It is, and I may overuse the term but I really really mean it this time, the greatest thing in the history of the world (except for rub-on Dora the Explorer tattoos. Those are pretty amazing). If you were a fan of Spider-Man 3 then perhaps you shouldn't click the play button below, but if you were like me and just really really hated it then click away my pretties. CLICK! It's hilarious!



"Let's talk about our feelings!"

"We used to be friends!"
"I think I'm gonna cry."

"No one cares about your career. It's Spider-Man 3 not Mary Jane 3!"

"AWESOME FORGIVING ACTION!!!!"

"I forgive you."
"I forgive you."
"I forgive you."
"I forgive you."
"I forgive myself."

"EVIL BANG MODE!!!!"

"I can play the PIANO!!"

"Can't... make... cut... Everything... so... good...!"

"Kids, it's time for dinner, you've been playing for over two hours!"
"But we haven't even introduced all the villains yet!"

Let me bow down to whoever created this. BRILLIANT!

Ballistic: How Funny

Reviews are not something that people tend to read multiple times. They just aren't. But, there is one review that I frequently re-read because it is so hilarious. It's much much better than the movie it's reviewing. The site is Cranky Critic, the movie is Ballistic: Ecks vs Sever and it's a pisser! It was funny to me before I had seen the movie and it was even funnier after (don't ask). Here are some choice bits. Or go read it.

One of the reasons that critics exist is to summarize films, in a clear and concise manner ... So, in our absolutely crystal clear and concise manner: Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever lkoit lli oine poiw. Quoe plaou flmk all twhs. Ee zajoxi lkwn mmoxin. Explosions? llzeni! Car chases? llzeni! Strong violence? llzeni! A story that makes no sense whatsoever? llzeni!! llzeni!! A man who so loves his son that he pumps him full of a prototype bio-mechanical weapon? llzeni!!

What? You don't understand gibberish? The movie studio thinks you do . . .

So true.

And since director Kaos is fond of shooting as much of his work as possible in slow motion, we'll explain it in slow motion:

A. Really. Big. Explosion. Happens. A. Lot. Of. Times. Shot. In. Slow. Motion. From. The. Left. Side. From. The. Right. Side. From. Above. While. A. Stunt. Man. Falls. Ninety. Feet. Into. A. Car. Or. Is. Blown. Through. A. Window. And. Lucy. Liu. Tosses. Her. Hair. And. Stares. With. Attitude. SPINS. SEXILY. In. Her. Spandex. Produces. Bazooka. Out. Of. Thin. Air. Blows. Up. Motor. Vehicle. Everything. Around. Her. Walks. Away. Unscathed

It really is like that! She'll spin around and suddenly she's holding a machine gun the size of her leg and her hair is flying about like crazy.

HOW LUCY LIU LOOKS IN SPANDEX IN WORDS THAT RHYME WITH HER LAST NAME: ooo

Seriously, that movie is so freakin' bad, you have no idea. The most annoying thing is that (OMGSPOILER!) it's called Ecks vs Sever, but then after, like, one scene of fighting they realise they shouldn't be battling each other, but they should instead team up and fight the real bad guy together? A more appropriate name? Ballistic: Ecks and Sever Dance in a Field of Dandelions and Peppercorn Trees with Rainbows and Butterflies Flying Around While They Eat Sandwiches. No? It sounds more entertaining than the finished product.

Entirely Random and Unimportant Razzie Predictions

Because I'm bored and I like torturing myself by wading through the murky depths of filth. But, I didn't even look into the movies still to be released, these are just from the movies already released in 2007! Scary though, huh? We'd barely be able to get a passable Oscar lineup by this time, but the Razzies have enough for two ceremonies!


WORST PICTURE
Daddy Day Camp
Hostel Part II
I Know Who Killed Me
Norbit
Who's Your Caddy?

Or Evan Almighty or Delta Farce or Hannibal Rising or The Reaping or Captivity or...

WORST DIRECTOR
Roland Joffe, Captivity
Brian Robbins, Norbit
Eli Roth, Hostel Part II
Fred Savage, Daddy Day Camp
Chris Silvertson, I Know Who Killed Me

Or Joel Schumacher (The Number 23) or CB Harding (Delta Farce) or Don Michael Hall (Who's Your Caddy?) or Brett Ratner (Rush Hour 3) or Tyler Perry (Daddy's Little Girls) or...

WORST ACTOR
Nicolas Cage, Ghost Rider and Next
Jim Carrey, The Number 23
Cuba Gooding Jr, Daddy Day Camp
Eddie Murphy, Norbit
Robin Williams, Licence to Wed

Or John Travolta (Wild Hogs) or Steve Carell (Evan Almighty) or Antwan Andre Patton (Who's Your Caddy?) or Larry the Cable Guy (Delta Farce) or Bruce Willis (Perfect Stranger) Ice Cube (Are We Done Yet?) or Chris Rock (I Think I Love My Wife) or...

WORST ACTRESS
Jessica Alba, Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer
Elisha Cuthbert, Captivity
Nicole Kidman, The Invasion
Lindsay Lohan, I Know Who Killed Me and Georgie Rule
Eddie Murphy, Norbit

Or Diane Keaton (Because I Said So) or Hilary Swank (The Reaping and Freedom Writers) or Halle Berry (Perfect Stranger) or Sandra Bullock (Premonition) or John Travolta (Hairspray) or...

WORST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Cuba Gooding Jr, Norbit
Ray Liotta, Wild Hogs
Rob Schneider, I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry
Justin Timberlake, Alpha Dog and Black Snake Moan
Jon Voight, Bratz: The Movie

Or David Hasslehoff (Kickin' it Old School) or Robert DeNiro (Stardust) or Wes Bentley (Ghost Rider) or Roman Polanski (Rush Hour 3...

WORST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Felicity Huffman, Georgia Rule
Virginia Madsen, The Number 23
Heather Matarazzo, Hostel Part II
Julia Ormand, I Know Who Killed Me
Bijou Phillips, Hostel Part II

Or Sharon Stone (Alpha Dog) or Gong Li (Hannibal Rising) or Meg Ryan (In the Land of Women) or...

WORST SCREENPLAY
Daddy Day Camp
I Know Who Killed Me
Norbit
The Number 23
Wild Hogs

Or Fantastic Four or Hostel Part II or Captivity or Hannibal Rising or I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry or Evan Almighty or Who's Your Caddy? or Epic Movie or Georgia Rule or...

WORST REMAKE OR RIP-OFF
Are We Done Yet? (Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream House)
Freedom Writers (Dangerous Minds)
The Invasion (Invasion of the Body Snatchers)
I Think I Love My Wife (Chloe in the Afternoon)
Who's Your Caddy? (Caddyshack)

Or The Hitcher (The Hitcher) or Perfect Stranger (lame thrillers from the 1980s), I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry (do they know it's a ripoff from Strange Bedfellows?) or Becoming Jane (Pride & Prejudice) or Disturbia (Rear Window) or...

WORST SEQUEL OR PREQUEL
Daddy Day Care
Evan Almighty
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer
Hannibal Rising
Hostel Part II

Or Spider-Man 3 or Pirates of the Caribbean 3 or Shrek the Third or Rush Hour 3 or TMNT or The Hills Have Eyes 2 or...

WORST EXCUSE FOR FAMILY ENTERTAINMENT
Are We Done Yet?
Bratz
Daddy Day Camp
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer
Wild Hogs

Or Nancy Drew or Evan Almighty or Licence to Wed or Shrek the Third or Firehouse Dog or Pride

WORST SCREEN COUPLE
Cuba Gooding Jr and Whoever is sharing the screen with him, Daddy Day Camp
Lindsay Lohan and herself, I Know Who Killed Me
Eddie Murphy and himself, Norbit
Jim Carrey and the dog, The Number 23
Halle Berry and Bruce Willis, Perfect Stranger

Or the guys from Wild Hogs or Roger Bart and a power tool (Hostel Part II) or Jessica Alba and Ioan Gruffard (Fantastic Four) or Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker (Rush Hour 3) or Tobey Maquire and Kirsten Dunst/Bryce Dallas Howard (Spider-Man 3) or Gerard Butler and his CGI abs (300).

There. That was fun! :/

I Can't Focking Do It!

I was going to watch Meet the Fockers purely for Barbra Streisand and Dustin Hoffman, but I just can't. Meet the Parents is so terrible that not even Babs and Dusty can get me to watch. So I'm going to watch Hot Fuzz on DVD instead. I think I'll have made the right decision.

MIFF is Over

Tonight was not only the last night of the Melbourne International Film Festival for me, but also the final night of the festival as a whole. It closed with the closing night film, This Is England, as well as the special screenings, which were announced just the other day as a tribute to Bergman and Antonioini.

Unfortunately for myself (and for a few others I imagine) the festival ended on a bad note with the last screening in the Come to Cannes showcase. Bela Tarr's The Man From London was a dreadful and painfully long 132 minutes of people staring off into space or walking somewhere or looking at a wall as the case was for nearly five minutes towards the end. The Forum (where it was screened) had a sell out crowd for the screening and probably around 100 people walked out. Some as early as 20 minutes in (as the first scene was still going!) and some as late as a mere ten minutes from the finish line. I can't blame them, really. It was terribly dreary and I could tell that most of the cinema was restless by the half way point. Lots of fidgeting and stretching (some lucky buggars got to really stretch out because everyone around them deserted the theatre, I wasn't so lucky).


This is from Control

For me though there were two really bad films, one moderately bad film, three really great films and six others that were in the B range, which all had their strengths and their weaknesses.


1. Inland Empire
2. Still Life
3. Bella
4. Control
5. The Boss of It All
6. Ils
7. Savage Grace
8. The Witnesses
9. A Walk Into the Sea: Danny Williams and the Warhol Factory
10. Syndromes and a Century
11. The Man From London
12. The Untouchable

You can read my initial comments on all over at the MIFF roundup I've been using. Overall I enjoyed the festival and was glad I did it. It was exhausting sometimes, and I can't even imagine implementing the pass that allows you unlimited sessions. That'd be crazy. But it was worth it just to be able to see some of those really good movies and, hell, even the bad ones because now I can use these overly pretentious wastes of time as punching bags instead of the usual Adam Sandler dreck.

Biggest disappointment would have to be A Walk Into the Sea, which could have been amazing if the director (Esther Robinson) had used her cinematographer and actually focused and kept the camera still and delved a little deeper into the Warhol sensation.

Biggest surprise was Still Life, which I really liked. It used that medetative Asian style in a much more interesting and fascinating fashion than Syndromes and a Century, which I thought was a bit of a wasted opportunity.


Best performance of the films I saw was most definitely Laura Dern's in Inland Empire, but that was a given. I was also very fond of Samantha Morton and Toby Kebbell in Control, Julianne Moore in Savage Grace and the women from Lars Von Trier's The Boss of It All.

Worst performance was Isild Le Besco from The Untouchable, which would take the cake as worst film and worst director too. Yawn!

Best theatre was, for me, the RMIT Capitol (where I saw The Untouchable, Ils and A Walk into the Sea), followed by ACMI (Inland Empire), The Regent (The Boss of It All, The Witnesses and Syndromes of a Century) and lastly The Forum (everything else). The Forum had shocking seating - very uncomfortable, while The Regent doesn't have stadium style seating so during The Boss of It All I had to constantly manoeuvre my head to see the subtitles behind the man with the big head in front of me. I never got to see a film at the fifth place though (Greater Union), which was odd.

All in all though it was a great experience and depending on how I'm going next year (living closer to Melbourne, working more, less $, etc) I'd definitely try and do it again.

Four Movies in One Day

(I'm listening to Crowded House's "Four Seasons in One Day", which is bizarre symmetry, non?)

So, between 9pm on Tuesday night and 9pm on Wednesday night I saw four movies in the cinema. Isn't that crazy? I saw Inland Empire at 9pm Tuesday as part of MIFF, then on Wednesday I saw Black Snake Moan, La Vie en Rose (because I was bored in the city) and then Syndromes and a Century, also as part of MIFF. I discussed Syndromes and a Century in my MIFF Experience entry (I vaguely alluded to my thoughts on Inland Empire but I'm not ready to write anything substantial about it. It's just too much of a mindfuck). So I thought I'd briefly discuss the other two movies. Fun Fun Fun.

Black Snake Moan is an incredibly strange film, but not as incredibly strange as I had anticipated. In fact, it was downright tame compared to what I was expecting. What I wasn't expecting was actually charm(!) and sweetness(!) to go alongside all the nymphomania, blues music and scenes of Christina Ricci showing off her tits (shock! celebrity nudity - have the stars gone mad!?!) No, I really liked this. I liked it more than Craig Brewer's last film Hustle & Flow. Brewer, I've decided, must be really good with actors. He got great performances out of people like Terrence Howard (of whom I am most definitely not a fan) and Taryn Manning in H&F, and now he's gotten Christina Ricci back into the groove, and for that I will be eternally grateful.

I adored the music, particularly Samuel L Jackson's moments (I know he played all the guitar, but was that him singing? Sure did sound like him). The look of the film was great and the absurdity (chained to a radiator) was well balanced. Overall, I just really got into the groove of Black Snake Moan - although I can guarantee it's not for everyone. B+

With La Vie en Rose on the other hand is complete and utter shit. Really. I can't believe the makers of this movie thought this was the best way to represent Edith Piaf's life. I actually found it quite insulting. Now Edith's a baby! Now she's old! Now she's a child! Now she's popular! Now everyone hates her! Now everyone loves her! Now she's married! Now she's a child! Now she's dying! Now she's dying again! Now she's never been married! Now she's got a baby! Now she's old! Now she's not! PICK SOMETHING AND STICK WITH IT!

And if the constant ridiculous shifts in time weren't bad enough, we have to put up with Marion Cotillard's weird performance. I'm sure Piaf wasn't the most... well, normal of characters, but was she this bizarre? Cotillard seems to always be pulling silly faces or slouching around or sticking her teeth out and contorting her body. Strange.

I liked the parts that were set in New York City, the interview at the beach and the final performance of "Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien" is amazing, but other than that the movie is awful. I just have no idea what anybody was thinking or doing any of the time. It's a perplexing movie because I can't imagine why they though (of all people) Edith Piaf was the one to give this off biopic to. I guess they thought that her life was just too cliche that they had to mix it up, but in the mean time they royally screwed it up.

I briefly discussed the movie with a nice old lady who was seated down from me. She was confused about Gerard Depardiue's character, which was at the time that everyone suddenly hated Piaf and then in the next scene they all love her again? I was mightily confused as well. The old lady commented "It sure was a lifetime and a half wasn't it?" I nodded dutifully. It sure was! D+

You know what?

You know what movie is naff? Easy Rider, that's what.

That's all.

The Last, Second Last and Third Last King of Scotland

I noticed the DVD cover today for the newly released The Last King of Scotland (to the left there). Now, y'all know I truly hated that movie (I gave it a D or D+ - one of the two, I try not to think about it) because it was pretty much the most unpleasant cinema-going experience of 2006 (read more about my reaction here). But, back to the DVD. Look. I know Forrest Whitaker was the big selling point of the movie (Academy Award in tow), but was it really necessary to put him on the DVD cover three times?

One Forrest is enough, okay. Surely throwing James McAvoy on there and perhaps even Gillian Anderson (who had a small part, but was the best thing about it) couldn't have hurt? No. Instead we get Forrest Whitaker (who was good, I agree, but not that good. As the movie got progressively worse, he got progressively less interesting) three times with changing facial expressions (charming, stoic, angry). Just in case you forgot who it starred, I presume.

Cinema of the Absurd: Glitter

GLITTER (2001, dir. Vondie Curtis-Hall)



[WARNING: CONTAINS MAJOR SPOILERS]

Plot: It's A Star Is Born meets Dreamgirls, folks! Upon receiving a very harsh lesson from her boozy drug-addicted lounge-singing black mother about the realities of falling asleep with a lit cigarette in her hand (their house burns down!) young impressionable mixed-race Billie Frank gets shipped off to a really fancy New York City orphanage (along with her pet cat, Whiskers - keep a note of that folks!) and instantly becomes friends with a Puerto Rican and a sassy African American chick. "I'm mixed!" she proclaims. Many years later, working as a dancer at a nightclub, she is discovered by a DJ named Dice who quickly turns her from a poor down on her luck hoochie mama to a world-famous singer with a performance at Madison Square Garden. In between there are fights, telepathy, shootings, weight issues and, PG-rated epiphanies.

Ray, Johnny, Bob, Mariah: Ray Charles and Johnny Cash both got biopics made about them in recent years 2004 and 2005 respectively, while a biopic about Bob Dylan comes out this year as well. But, really, Glitter is a biopic about Mariah Carey and it was released in 2001 so it was ahead of it's time. Let's not pretend here, if this isn't a slightly falsified biopic on the glass-breaking pop star then I don't know what is. From the main character of Billie Frank (Mariah Carey) being half black and half white (which according to a music video director makes her "exotic!" to the meltdown Billie has with her record company. Except in Billie's case it all happens within the span of about 3 weeks in the 1980s, whereas Carey's career has been going since 1990's debut album Mariah Carey.


Irony? Why never!: Oh, Billie! One of the greatest scenes in Glitter is on the set of her first music video. It is Carey's finest acting moment. She, hilariously and without the slightest hint of irony, makes her character of Billie incredible shy when she's asked to writhe around in a bikini on the set. Carey's range of emotions go from 'Looking at my feet, nervously' to 'why are these greased up muscle men groping me'. It's an amazing moment of film. So powerful! So raw! But, the main reason this scene is the greatest filming-scene-within-a-film is because of the following quote from the video's director:

Is she black? Is she white? We don't care - She's EXOTIC! I want to see more of her breasts.

Woody Allen, Tennessee Williams and Ernest Lehman couldn't come up with dialogue that amazing if they tried!

Wise Wisdom: Glitter is full of wise words of wordy wisdom. It portrays the 1980s music world so realistically (no drugs or sex or people wearing shoulder pads!) that I feel like it's just bursting out from the screen. Take for instance the concert at the end of the film. The character of Billie Frank has somehow managed to sell out a concert at New York's Madison Square Garden on the back of one single. We are told that Frank's song "Didn't Mean To Turn You On" (aka, Mariah Carey's song "Didn't Mean To Turn You On", clip below) was #1 for ten weeks (yet she still needs a track that will "cross over"?) yet an entire plot strand revolves around how the record company doesn't like the album DJ Dice (her lover and producer) has made so they get her to make a new one. So, yes, apparently in 1980s dance artists could sell out entire stadiums on the back of one song.

I believe it, don't you?



Milli Vanilli, #1 With a Bullet: The character of DJ Dice (played with hilarious ineptitude by Max Beesley, sort of an even skeevier version of Stephen Dorff) is one of many contrasting facets. On one hand he loves Mariah Billie, yet on the other hand he's a jealous overbearing man with anger management problems. Not a cliche at all!


He and Billie share a unique connection though: The connection of telepathy. In what is, quite frankly, the most genius movie scene of all time Dice and Billie - on opposite sides of the city - write a song together. He writes the melody, she writes the lyrics. Only later when she breaks into his house and finds the sheet music does she realise that they are meant to be together.

*sniff* There's a moment in the ultimate absurdity Showgirls where actress Elizabeth Berkley registers her emense sadness by a single solid *sniff*. It's the funniest moment in cinema history. Carey herself has an equally emotion-wringing moment in the film. Upon a visit to family services to see if they know where her long lost drug-addled boozy chanteuse. She is told that, shockingly, they don't follow the every step of people who lose custody of their kids. This scene gives Carey her greatest challange and the results are funny. The blank stare that tears through the screen and chokes the tears out of you. Tearjerkers don't come any better than this. Billie's eyes are dead. DEAD!


Another moment of immense tragedy that registers with Billie to the result of dead eyes is the word that, omigod, Dice has been shot and killed on the night of her (totally believable) performance at Madison Square Garden. Like the trooper that she is still goes out on stage and performs her heart out of "Never to Far". Think Barbara Streisand singing "People" in Funny Girl. Liza Minnelli singing "Life is a Cabaret" at the end of of Cabaret. Think Jennifer Hudson's rendition of "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going" from Dreamgirls. Think Kelly Clarkson singing "That's The Way I Like It" in From Justin to Kelly.

Stars Cats and Stripes: Two of the oddest most perplexing (and thus, hilarious) aspects of Glitter are her cat Whiskers and the weird silver striping that appears all over her body. First of all, we see Whiskers twice throughout the film. Once at the start when Billie is just a little kid and then years later when Billie is 18 24 30 whatever age she is after she's hit the big time. Whiskers is such a well-behaved cat that Billie can seemingly walk all across town (New York City remember) holding Whiskers and he doesn't even move! Talk about commitment to your craft. That cat deserved an Oscar.

Even the biggest of Glitter's fans though can't explain the mysterious silver stripes all over her body. They first appear on her face early in the movie like some camp Bootcamp makeup. Then throughout the series of events we see the silver stripes appear on her arms and her lower back. The picture to your left is from a scene around the middle of the movie at the American Music Awards (where "Lional Ritchie won two!") The Mystery of the Silver Stripe ranks right up there with the ghost behind the curtain in Three Men and a Baby and the case of the suicidal munshkin in The Wizard of Oz. It will, most likely, never be solved.

Conclusion: Now, don't get me wrong, I am not saying that Glitter is anything other than ridiculous tosh. It doesn't transcend it's pure badness to become a masterpiece like, say, Showgirls. And it's not merely a perfectly adaquate movie with ridiculous aspects (such as other Cinema of the Absurd entries like How to Deal). No, but I think nearly six years after the fact (it was released the week after September 11) with Mariah Carey's looney breakdown and subsequent comeback in our minds, it is able to be looked upon as something other than "Mariah's Follies".

Every single decision that could have been made has been made poorly, which is why it's hilarious. For me, to give a movie a truly terrible grade, it must make me angry. Anger at the subject matter, angry at it being boring or something else like so much talent going to waste. Thing is - I can't tell whether there was any talent here in the first place, and so I prefer to view it as a bunch of absurd things happening for no reason as made by a bunch of people who don't actually know how to make a movie. It's everyone's fault that this movie is as incredibly ridiculous as it is. Glitter may be 100% stupid, but in my eyes it's never boring

Just sit back and forget about critiquing the acting (which is bad, obviously) or the directing (which is bad, obviously) and just laugh at Mariah Carey's scary facial expressions or the silly clothes or the weird stripes that appear all over her body or the incredibly realistic depiction of the 1980s music scene. It's a hoot!

PS; And I haven't even gone into why this is like some psuedo-Dreamgirls, just slightly "less black" (remember, Billie is mixed! Demonstrated during the scene where her black crack-addict mother needs money so she goes to visit the white well-to-do family man who impregnated her (See! This shit funn-ny! I can't make it up))


On the absurdity Scale of 1-5 I rate Glitter a 4.75. It's utterly unbelievable and almost inconceivable that so many untalented people were allowed in the same room long enough to actually make it. The thought of these clowns on set is almost as entertaining as the movie itself.

Below is the trailer for Glitter. The opening seconds sort of look like Mariah Carey's head is exloding.

3.5 Hours of AMAZING!!

If you are lucky enough to live in the wonderful country of Australia and you have access to Network Ten on Sunday afternoon (tomorrow!) then I suggest you get into prime sitting position on your couch or in your bed under the covers, put the electric blanket on or get a hot water bottle or something (it's cold these hardy days of Winter), make yourself some microwave popcorn and settle in for three and a half hours of AMAZING.

Starting at 1.30pm we have Xanadu - that famous rollerskating musical that starred Olivia Newton John and a scary looking Gene Kelly and whole lotta greek muses. Once that's over and done with at 3.10pm we get Mariah Carey's big screen opus Glitter, making it's television premiere! That finishes an hour and 50 minutes later at 5pm to conclude the three and a half hours of AMAZING!

Seriously. You have neon-infused Greek muses, painted record covers, rollerskates and a competition between and old band and a new band - and that's just Xanadu. Then in Glitter you get Mariah carey having issues with her pet cat, mysterious ever-changing makeup and the greatest scene of all time when Mariah's character writes the lyrics to a song and on the other side of town her ex boyfriend writes the music at the same time. It's amazing!!!

How about they set the next one at a nudist colony?

In the tradition of Ja's The Greatest Movie... series, I saw a certain movie was to be on TV the other night. I checked it out on IMDb and Wiki and discovered the above text and thought "Surely this will be the greatest movie that features a little man emerging out of another man's penis". You'd think a movie with the highlighted death scenes would be sort of hilarious, but no. Leprechaun 4: Space Platoon was ten different kinds of shite. I mean, the leprechaun emerges from the guy's penis! How could they ruin that? (granted, it was the funniest bit in the movie, but still sort of stupid). And when the leprechaun picks up a tray with all sorts of acid-like products on he then just throws the tray and squashes the guy's face. Strange.


Yet, the biggest question I have is how did the leprechaun get into space?! I mean, last time I saw him he was livin' it up in Las Vegas. And now he's in space? Bizarre. The best part of the movie was actually seeing the lead male Brent Jasmer conveniently shred his shirt for the last 15 minutes. He's not my usual type, what with the blank-beekcakeyness, but anything that took the attention away from the surrounding mediocrity was a-okay with me. So, naturally, here are some screencaps that I took (because I got nothin' better to do, apparently).


...and because it's my favourite...

(he's not even doing what you think he's doing. It was just an unfortunate moment to capture)
(click to watch them grow)
It did have Guy Siner as a human/computer hybrid mad scientist. He turns into a hideous half man/half spider thing towards the end of the movie. It wasn't funny. Although I did chucklen when the spider thing tried to grab the lead female (that'd be someone by the name of Jessica Collins) and instead of grabbing her he/it grabbed her pants and so she spent the last 10 minutes running around in her skivvies. Nice, huh? Here's a picture of it for the, what? Five guys who like women around here. Of course I chose a moment with the hideous spider creature thing in it to.


Has there ever been a horror film set at a nudist colony? Cause that'd be hilarious.

Still, Leprechaun 4: Space Platoon is still the greatest movie ever to feature a small man emerging from another man's penis. It's just that that, however much unfortunate, that doesn't really have a lot in movies.

The worst of the worst

I came across this delightful YouTube montage at Table of Malcontents. It's a collection of clips titled "The Worst Movies Ever". It is presented under such illustrious title as "Worst Death Scene" (Enter the Ninja), "Worst Stunt" (Unknown Indian Movie), "Worst Reaction" (Troll 2), "Worst Acting Ever" (Silent Night, Deadly Night 2), "Most Random Line Ever" and "Worst CGI" (both Shark Attack 3).

I'm sure it's just the selected clips, but damn, I sort of want to see these movies. Especially Shark Attack 3! "How about I take you home and eat your..." you can suss out the rest. It looks hilarious. As does Troll 2. "They're eating her! And then they're gonna eat me! Oh My GOOOOOOOOD!!!" And seriously, any movie that has a horse slide under a truck surely has some redeeming values, right?



Oh, but there's more! In part 2 we get "Worst Fight Scene" (Undefeatable), "Worst Scene in a Superhero Movie" (Spider-Man 3), "Most Random Scene Ever" (Cabin Fever) and "Worst Arnie Acting" (Kindergarten Cop).

This time I've actually seen three of the movies. While I'm sure there are worst scenes in worse superhero movies, but damn if that ridiculous Saturday Night Fever scene from Spider-Man 3 wasn't just downright awful. And, yes, the Cabin Fever scene is quite stupid and random. I didn't like that movie at all, but I remember being really confused at that part. Like, wtf? Why is he yelling "Pancakes" and doing kung-fu? Enjoy.

UMA 2006: The Worst

*This segment, the first, is now complete.*

**Please be aware that I have tested these entries using 1024x768 resolution on either Internet Explorer or Firefox. It looks fine from my computer. If the pictures and text aren't alligned (you'll know if they're not) or if they're scattered all over the place please let me know what browser/res you're using and I'll try to fix it.**


Unlike my Top 5 films of the year, there is no common theme that links the five worst movies of 2006. Other than they're all dreaful. They're all bad for different reasons. One makes absolutely zero sense no matter how you look at it (that would be The Lake House). Another was just a mess that clearly suffered from the makers not knowing how to even make a film (thank you Freedomland). The third worst is bad simply because the lead performance is so bad that it drags the rest of the already-poorly made film down with it (take a bow Colour Me Kubrick). The two worst movies of the year truly did reach the lowest of all the lows. In the end I gave them both F grades because they failed on every single level.

American Dreamz fails for, among other things, not even knowing it's own concept. If you're going to do a satire on both television music reality programs and politics, it's probably a good place to start by actually watching a few episodes of American Idol and, hell, even an episode or two of The West Wing. Get a mild understanding of what you're doing. Paul Weitz has even gone on the record to say he had never watched Idol before writing Dreamz so it makes sense that for some reason he thinks the entire globe is interested in AMERICAN music contests and that the season finale of the biggest-rating show on the planet would, somehow, go to air with only one ad break. Plus, ya know, the rest of the film is a hunk of junk, but it's all just so uninformed.

The worst however was Footy Legends. I find it fitting that in a year where I am going to crown and Australian movie as the very best of the year, that the very worst should also be Australian. Using every single possible cliché you can think of for the inspirational sports drama sub-genre, Footy Legends then adds a few more just for old times sake. I almost want people to see it just so they can spot them. It's a terrible movie and rightfully earns my title as the worst film of 2006.


Outside of those five titles however, there were plenty of other stinkers. How about the nigh-unwatchable Jackass Number Two? Or the insulting Another Gay Movie? I was bored silly throughout Basic Instinct 2, so much so that when it came to the Worst Actor and Worst Supporting Actor categories I decided to not include any of the men because I don't remember a single one of them. Aussie Project Greenlight winner Solo was another cliché-fest, as was The Last King of Scotland and Just My Luck. V For Vendetta and Hostel are adored by many, but not my me. They're unfocused and messy. And Trust the Man was a sexist load of garbage. The less said about others titles such as The DaVinci Code, Idlewild and Aussie documentary Raul the Terrible the better.

And the dishonours go to...

WORST PICTURE



American Dreamz








Colour Me Kubrick








Footy Legends








Freedomland








The Lake House






GOLD
Footy Legends
SILVER
American Dreamz
BRONZE
Colour Me Kubrick


WORST DIRECTOR

Khoa Do
Footy Legends
On the side of nausea-enducing sentimentality and cliche-ridden monotony, Do shows absolutely zero skill in directing actors, action or anything resembling a movie in general.



Kevin Macdonald
The Last King of Scotland
Turns are thoroughly interesting story into a crass and needlessly hysteric Hollywood-ised thriller. Some were taken in, I most certainly was not.


James McTiegue
V For Vendetta
Showing no skill in directing, he mishandles the action scenes (slow motion when it shouldn't be, hyperactive cutting when we want to see more), mishandles dialogue scenes (lengthy closeups of an inatimate mask) and heavyhands the "message".



Joe Roth
Freedomland
Roth creates a jumbled mess that closely resembles the riots in the film. Actors on various levels of ACTING and poorly handled plot twists with the hysterics up to 11.



Paul Weitz
American Dreamz
Insulting every single audience member with his non-knowledge of the subject he is sending up, Weitz loses tonnes of credibility in this very unfunny satire.


Dishonourable Mentions: Alejandro Agresti can't save The Lake House, Brian Cook can't liven up the proceedings of Colour Me Kubrick, Michael Caton-Jones probably gave up after one day on Basic Instinct 2, Eli Roth misses the point on Hostel and Ron Howard must've been transfixed by Tom Hanks' hair instead of directing The DaVinci Code.

GOLD
Paul Weitz for American Dreamz
SILVER
Khoa Do for Footy Legends
BRONZE
Kevin Macdonald for The Last King of Scotland


WORST ACTOR

André Benjamin
Idlewild
He may have presence in his music, but considering he barely sings any decent songs in Idlewild Benjamin doesn't pass the "leading man" test.



Anh Do
Footy Legends
Do is straining incredibly hard to reach the simplist of emotions. Oh! He's squishing his face up. He must be angry... or sad... or confused...



Hugh Grant
American Dreamz
I know he's playing someone smarmy and sleazy, but my god he is sleepwalking and doing a terrible job at it.




Tom Hanks
The DaVinci Code
One word that I keep coming back to is "ridiculous" and that's exactly what this is. And, yes, the hair is terrible. Surely a new low for Hanks.



John Malkovich
Colour Me Kubrick
An incredibly embarassing performance by Malkovich. He spends the entire movie doing a bad sendup of some tragic camp queen with the limp wrist and the boa and it's just all too much. Turn it down.

Dishonourable Mentions: I wrote in my notes that David Morrissey was bad in Basic Instinct 2, but I honestly can't for the life of me remember a single second of him or even what he looks like. Keanu Reeves gives a typically dumb performance in The Lake House while Samuel L Jackson huffs and puffs in Freedomland.

GOLD
John Malkovich for Colour Me Kubrick
SILVER
Anh Do for Footy Legends
BRONZE
André Benjamin for Idlewild

WORST ACTRESS

Kate Bosworth
Superman Returns
Completely unbelievable, completely wrong for the part and completely flat in all her deliveries. Did they not want to cast someone who had more personality than Brandon Routh (Superman himself)?


Marcia Gay Harden
American Gun
A terribly fussy reworking of her amazing Mystic River performance. Yakking away incessantly and doing her now well-worn depressed mopey face.



Julianne Moore
Freedomland
Much like Malkovich in the Actor category, this is purely embarassing career-nadir work by Juli Moore. I was rendered speechless for a while by how awful it was. I'm, obviously, not so speechless anymore. It's terrible.


Sharon Stone
Basic Instinct 2
It's as if everyone knew they were making a dog of a movie yet went on with it anyway. Sharon looks bored and tired and tries to get as much miliage out of the silly dialogue as possible - "I may never come again!"

There were only four performances bad enough! I didn't see Miss Potter, Super Ex-Girlfriend or other obvious choises. And I'm giving Lindsay a free pass. Yes. And I don't care what you say. It really was a great year for women though. I was even tempted to not put Stone on there.

GOLD
Julianne Moore for Freedomland
SILVER
Marcia Gay Harden for American Gun
BRONZE
Kate Bosworth for Superman Returns


WORST SUPPORTING ACTOR

Paul Bettany
The DaVinci Code
I'm not really sure what exactly it was that Bettany was doing, but it wasn't good. Like some psycho-warped Villain 101 or something. But he's failing.



Billy Crudup
Trust the Man
He's stuck with the movie's worst character, and his dialogue is terrible, but Crudup doesn't try to make his character even into a "lovable larrikin" kind. He just makes him a pig.


Linal Haft
Solo
Talk about A-C-T-I-N-G. Haft breaks into so many sweats in Solo purely from yelling and screaming so much. I was just wanted him to shut up!



Terrence Howard
Idlewild
Could Howard at lead have tried to act? Please. It's not that much to ask. Because all we're left with is a very bored man doing a lame evil schtick.



Kiefer Sutherland
River Queen
Oh god. It doesn't help that Sutherland's accept is so thick I could barely understand a word out of his mouth, but he also screams a lot and in general just acts like a deranged lunatic. Not the good kind, either.
Dishonourable Mentions: Both David Thewlis and Heathcote Williams were, my notes tell me, dreadful in Basic Instinct 2, but WHY?! I can't remember a single second of them. The Entire Male Cast of Footy Legends (mostly people who's names I don't know/care about plus Angus Sampson) infuriated me to no end. Owen Wilson just screamed a lot in Night at the Museum, while Ricky Gervaise was improvising badly (from the looks of it) in the same flick. Jonah Blechman was acting to the back row in Another Gay Movie.

GOLD
Linal Haft for Solo (he sent me hate mail!)
SILVER
Kiefer Sutherland for River Queen
BRONZE
Terrence Howard for Idlewild

WORST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

Marcia Gay Harden
American Dreamz
Needless to day, Harden had a rough year, especially in movies with "American" in the title. So one-note it hurts, Harden's First Lady character is annoying in every aspect.



Sarah Polley
Don't Come Knocking
It's a good thing her directing career is going gang-busters because after several performances threatening it, she has finally performed what I thought impossible - She has done a performance entirely in a coma!! Way to go!!

Missi Pyle
Just My Luck
Something about this performance irritated me because I wrote her name down but so many things in that movie were so insta-forgettable that she's here due to lack of options.

Charlotte Rampling
Basic Instict 2
This ridiculous french lesbian role is such a throwaway that nobody could have made it work, not even the usually-ravishing Rampling.



Tracie Thoms
The Devil Wears Prada
Yes, she has the worst character in the movie, but she doesn't really try very hard to make her anything more than a stock one-dimensional friend role. Being the sassy one isn't character.

Dishonourable Mentions: I considered putting Claudia Karvan in here for Footy Legends, but it's not her fault really. I also considered Gong Li for Miami Vice purely because I wish if she intends to really try and start making more films in English then she oughta get a better dialect coach. I didn't think she was that bad, but almost nobody else I know could understand her. Poor girl.

GOLD
Marcia Gay Harden for American Dreamz
SILVER
Sarah Polley for Don't Come Knocking
BRONZE
Charlotte Rampling for Basic Instict 2

WORST PERFORMANCE BY AN INANIMATE OBJECT

The Fake Baby Doll
L'Enfant
If that thing was meant to look real then they did a piss-poor job of it. That thing didn't look real for a second.



WORST CINEMA TREND

I gotta tell ya, I am sick of all these multi-narrative films that don't finish what they started. This year alone we had Aussie suicide drama 2:37, the internation Babel, the seemingly-made-for-tv American Gun and the book adaptation Fast Food Nation. They all had interesting parts, but they also all had uninteresting parts. Oh, if only I were an editor. I would snip out the "uneven steven" storyline of 2:37 and expand on the Teresa Palmer storyline. Babel may've been great if it were all about Rinko's storyline. American Gun should have just followed one or two of it's four storylines and Fast Food Nation could have easily just been one film focused on illegal immigrants (the most interesting storyline). Each movie had tangents and characters that didn't help the movie to be anything other than longer. And all of them had unfinished business. All four pictures essentially dumped the third acts for most of the story strands. What happened to Brad and Cate when they got home? What happened to Teresa Palmer after that day at school? Where did Greg Kinnear go halfway through the film? How did the kids get on in American Gun. I wanted to know, but these directors didn't want to tell me. They wanted me to see the suffering and the immediate after effects but nothing else. Come on people. Lift your game!