August 27, 2007

Ballistic: How Funny

Reviews are not something that people tend to read multiple times. They just aren't. But, there is one review that I frequently re-read because it is so hilarious. It's much much better than the movie it's reviewing. The site is Cranky Critic, the movie is Ballistic: Ecks vs Sever and it's a pisser! It was funny to me before I had seen the movie and it was even funnier after (don't ask). Here are some choice bits. Or go read it.

One of the reasons that critics exist is to summarize films, in a clear and concise manner ... So, in our absolutely crystal clear and concise manner: Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever lkoit lli oine poiw. Quoe plaou flmk all twhs. Ee zajoxi lkwn mmoxin. Explosions? llzeni! Car chases? llzeni! Strong violence? llzeni! A story that makes no sense whatsoever? llzeni!! llzeni!! A man who so loves his son that he pumps him full of a prototype bio-mechanical weapon? llzeni!!

What? You don't understand gibberish? The movie studio thinks you do . . .

So true.

And since director Kaos is fond of shooting as much of his work as possible in slow motion, we'll explain it in slow motion:

A. Really. Big. Explosion. Happens. A. Lot. Of. Times. Shot. In. Slow. Motion. From. The. Left. Side. From. The. Right. Side. From. Above. While. A. Stunt. Man. Falls. Ninety. Feet. Into. A. Car. Or. Is. Blown. Through. A. Window. And. Lucy. Liu. Tosses. Her. Hair. And. Stares. With. Attitude. SPINS. SEXILY. In. Her. Spandex. Produces. Bazooka. Out. Of. Thin. Air. Blows. Up. Motor. Vehicle. Everything. Around. Her. Walks. Away. Unscathed

It really is like that! She'll spin around and suddenly she's holding a machine gun the size of her leg and her hair is flying about like crazy.


Seriously, that movie is so freakin' bad, you have no idea. The most annoying thing is that (OMGSPOILER!) it's called Ecks vs Sever, but then after, like, one scene of fighting they realise they shouldn't be battling each other, but they should instead team up and fight the real bad guy together? A more appropriate name? Ballistic: Ecks and Sever Dance in a Field of Dandelions and Peppercorn Trees with Rainbows and Butterflies Flying Around While They Eat Sandwiches. No? It sounds more entertaining than the finished product.

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