One of the reasons that critics exist is to summarize films, in a clear and concise manner ... So, in our absolutely crystal clear and concise manner: Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever lkoit lli oine poiw. Quoe plaou flmk all twhs. Ee zajoxi lkwn mmoxin. Explosions? llzeni! Car chases? llzeni! Strong violence? llzeni! A story that makes no sense whatsoever? llzeni!! llzeni!! A man who so loves his son that he pumps him full of a prototype bio-mechanical weapon? llzeni!!
What? You don't understand gibberish? The movie studio thinks you do . . .
And since director Kaos is fond of shooting as much of his work as possible in slow motion, we'll explain it in slow motion:
A. Really. Big. Explosion. Happens. A. Lot. Of. Times. Shot. In. Slow. Motion. From. The. Left. Side. From. The. Right. Side. From. Above. While. A. Stunt. Man. Falls. Ninety. Feet. Into. A. Car. Or. Is. Blown. Through. A. Window. And. Lucy. Liu. Tosses. Her. Hair. And. Stares. With. Attitude. SPINS. SEXILY. In. Her. Spandex. Produces. Bazooka. Out. Of. Thin. Air. Blows. Up. Motor. Vehicle. Everything. Around. Her. Walks. Away. Unscathed
It really is like that! She'll spin around and suddenly she's holding a machine gun the size of her leg and her hair is flying about like crazy.
HOW LUCY LIU LOOKS IN SPANDEX IN WORDS THAT RHYME WITH HER LAST NAME: ooo
Seriously, that movie is so freakin' bad, you have no idea. The most annoying thing is that (OMGSPOILER!) it's called Ecks vs Sever, but then after, like, one scene of fighting they realise they shouldn't be battling each other, but they should instead team up and fight the real bad guy together? A more appropriate name? Ballistic: Ecks and Sever Dance in a Field of Dandelions and Peppercorn Trees with Rainbows and Butterflies Flying Around While They Eat Sandwiches. No? It sounds more entertaining than the finished product.