May 21, 2006

LiveBlogging the 51st Annual EuroVision Song Contest!!


So, I wanted to watch the Eurovision Song Contest with friends but the people who would appreciate it weren't available. Hannah had to do school work, Agi was on a romantic dinner with her boyfriend (what's up with THAT), Emma had to go back to Melbourne and Georgie had work. So I decided I'd liveblog it instead! That way I feel as if I'm sharing the experience of watching one of the funnest calender events with y'all. This is gonna be a long thread so maybe read some now and some later? I dunno. It probably sorta helps if you've seen (or are watching) Eurovision. So, here we go!

GLENN LIVEBLOGS THE 51st ANNUAL EUROVISION SONG CONTEST
--Live from Germany... well, not live. It's a delayed telecast, but you get what I mean. I'm not in Germany either, but the actual contest was. I HATE YOU--

(Yes that's Celine Dion at 1988's Eurovision Song Contest, performing for Switzerland)
7.30: Straight into an opening performance. It has an underwater theme apparently?

7.32: Oh god, there's people dressed as dolphins. Oh man, this is gonna be a doozy! There's a giant golden orb floating over the stage. It's like the fifth season of "Alias"!
7.33: Is she meant to look like a dolphin?

7.35: The two hosts for the evening decide to fly down from the rooftops for some unknown reason! They are Maria Menounos and Sakis Rouvas. You may know Maria as a reporter (I use that term loosely) for "Entertainment Tonight" (she's greek so they figured "Why not?" i suppose) and Sakis was a finalist for Eurovision a couple of years ago with his Greek entry "Shake It" which I remember not liking too much, but thinking he was hot. Which he is. Of the four images below, can you guess which is Maria and which is Sakis?


7.36: His extremely white suit is blinding me! She's wearing a canary yellow dress and has big giant frizzy hair. It's... not exactly pleasant.

7:37: What the fuck are the nymphs doing in the background? The costumed nymphs from the weird underwater intro are behind the hosts doing a dumb hypnotic dance.

7.38: YAY! Last year's winner Elena Paparizou is performing "My Number One" (the song she won for last year) which is a delightfully wonderful pop song. It was the one that I wanted to win so I was so happy when it did.

7.39: Cirque de Solei! Or alternatively... not Cirque de Solei (i murdered that spelling i know).
7.39: Her backup dancers are, in the tradition of Eurovision, extremely gay. The song is still awesome!

7.41: Wow, that's some bad lipsyncing y'all


7.42: So this year there are 24 countries in the competition. That's AMAZING (apparently)

7.43: The contest starts NOW! (if you couldn't already tell)
7.43: The weirdly way-too-happy-looking like girls are back! And they've brought poorly constructed tour guides with them. Hawt. (these are tiny 30 second packages that show off random parts of the host country to international viewers. The weird happy ladies appear and then disappear and are followed by the packages and then they go back to the stage)

7.44: Some band called 641 for Switzerland are on stage now. Numero uno. Apparently one of the men in the group is hot stuff (all the horny girls in the audience screamed when he sang). There are six mmembers in this group.
7.44: None of them are dressed co-ordinated. If one thing Eurovision has taught us it's that co-ordinated outfits are a must.

7.45: My god that one guy is really hideous. And WHAT IS WITH THE FEDORA? He's wearing white and he looks horrible, as do the others (white)

7.46: LOL, this song is horrid. We're into the big finale now I think. Dear god.
7.46: That girl is wearing a pretty dress, but her hair (so blonde it's white) is atrocious!

7.47: Yay, it's over. I give it a 4/10. The end saved it a bit.
7.47: AAAH! The placid girl gave me a fright. Apparently Greece is all old lamps and wine? Classy.

7.49: Moldovia are on now. I didn't catch their name.
7.49: YES! Awful dance moves and bad fashion choices galore! That's what's all about. It's a girl and a guy and the girl is wearing a bikini/skirt combo and he a black suit jacket with WHITE pants
7.49: How do you give someone your choca? (...I'd really like to know)

7:50: COSTUME CHANGE! She's even more scantily clad now.
7.50: They had a guest rap! It's like Ludicris, Missy, Usher...
7.50: Another costume change! This time it's a slutty wedding dress. It's white. Lol, you are so not a virgin, honey.

7.51: Umm... that's it? I give it a 4/10. That was so lame.
7.51: Really happy girl #3!
7.51: Israel up next. "Together We Are One" performed by Eddie Botler? (sorry about the spelling, I'm sure it's wrong but I'm spelling phonetically, okay?)

7.52. Umm... WHAT?! Is this gospel?
7.52: He's a bald black dude wearing a white suit with three backup singers standing besides him and another on the piano. They're also all wearing white.

7.53: I think this man is actually American.
7.53: YES!!! FIRST TRANNY BACK UP SINGER OF THE NIGHT!

7.53: Lol, he just did this lame dance move where he swivveled with feet.

7.54: "Look into your soul. Together we are one."
7.54: You know who should've been Israel's entry. Madonna, singing "Isaac". It would've brought the house down. I know it wouldn't been ineligable but 'tev. It'd be better than this stuff.

7.55: OMG I think this guy wants to win American Idol!
7.55: Lol Les Murray said "I don't think they sounded that together, if you ask me"

7.56: Latvia now! The group performing is Cosmos and they're singing acapella (whatever).
7.56: Oh holy sweet mother of the antichrist! AAAAH
7.56: You've GOT to be kidding me.
7.56: Oh dear lord.
7.56: There's six men in this group and they're doing some weird scatting/beatboxing/soul combo. This is... oh man. This is shocking.

7.57: THEY'RE ALL WEARING BEIGE!!!!

7.58: They have a ROBOT ON STAGE.
7.58: Oh man, this is embarassing. This is up there with the UK entrant from a couple of years ago that scored zero.

7.59: Lol, thankfully that's over and done with. TRULY AWFUL.
Norway's up now right after the really happy woman. This time she's introducing Greek sport?
7.59: Christine... Gulbranten?

8.00: Hey look! She's wearing White!

8.01: Does she have Bond (the pop violinists) as support? Or some lame Corrs rejects?
8.01: That wind machine is gonna blow up soon! She'll get blown away.

8.02: It's like listening to Enya, The Corrs and some nameless dance/electro band all at once.

8.03: More happy women introducting Greece

8.03: LAS KETCHUP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
8.03: Spain is up now and performing for Spain is LAS FREAKIN' KETCHUP! Remember them? At least they're not wearing white (they're all wearing red)

8.04: Who stole office supplies for this performance?
8.04: Someone get a medic! They're two dancers convulcing on the stage for no apparent reason!

8.05: Nice to know they haven't improved much since that hideous song they released a couple of years ago. What was it called again? "The Ketchup Song" or something like that. (it is indeed "The Ketchup Song")


8.06: Capri Pants, Muffin Tops and Leggings: 'Nuff said!
8.06: These rotating office chairs are hilarious. I think it's the same design as the one I am sitting at right now.
8.06: That was actually quite boring. I think the ketchup song was better!

8.07 "I Do" from Malta is next after the really fucking happy chick introducting... an iPod commercial? Odd. More beaches and villages.

8.08: HELLO EYEBROWS!
8.08: Okay, this dude's gay right? Wouldn't surprise me. I reckon at least half of all male Eurovision contestants are gay. And then there was that time when TATU sang for Russia.
8.08: I do I do I do - stop stealing from ABBA! (aka, Eurovision royalty)
8.08: 'Flavour Saver': 'Nuff Said

8.09: Oh, look! I just realised his shirt is a bright shade of (you guessed it) white! Yay!
8.09: What is up with those backup dancers. One of them looks like Paulini... 8.09: okay, not anymore.
8.09: One of those dancers is SO a dyke (sorry if that's offensive, but I'm allowed okay!)

8.10: Is he wearing a cumberbund? Without a jacket? lol. Classy AND hot.
8.10: Oh look, the happy bitch is back introducing us to pools, museums and people who like to walk!

8.11: Texas Lighting from Germany. It's a country song and the singer is actually Australian!!!!!

8.12: OMG this is sorta awesome. She's like a less-buxom version of Dolly Parton.
8.12: Okay, she's pretty buxom herself actually. Way to go!

8.13: Okay, I am loving this song just for the record.
8.13: She's wearing a very light shade of pink btw.
8.13: LOVE
8.13: OMG this is my favourite.

8.14: GERMANY FOR THE WIN PLZ! 9.5/10 <-okay, totally a RIGHT NOW vote, but whatever. That is totally the song to beat for me right now.
8.14: "The Twist" from Denmark. Okay, I totally can't pronounce the singers name. More images from Greece. Yawn.

8.15: oh jesus!
8.15: lol, sorry, i got scared for a second there. The singer and her three backup singers/dancers are all... you know it... wearing white! Actually some is white, some is beige. Whod've thunk it.

8.16: Hmmm... this is sorta catchy. But dude... capri pants. With boots that go to the end of the capris. Lol.

8.17: He didn't know how to move. He didn't know how to groove. He didn't know how to twist... apparently.
8.17: [Insert Random Breakdancer Here]


8.18: Wow, could she be wearing for pointless accessories?
8.18: What is that breakdancer doing there, seriously! He's so pointless. That was alright. I give it a 7.
8.18: Russia now. Apparently their singer is a big sex symbol in Europe. After the obligitory clips of Greece (and happy women)

8.19: HELLO MULLET! White singlet top? Oh sweetie, you can NOT pull that off.
8.19: Lol, I love that the two overweight backup singers are right up the back of the stage hiding in the shadows.

8.20: There's a white piano on the stage... yet nobody is playing it. Phantom piano player?
8.20: Oh god, his mullet actually has a dready that hands down the side of his neck.

8.21: Okay, he's dancing on the piano now and for some reason a white woman (as in dressed head to toe in white material) is emerging from inside! Lol, that's something I've never seen before.
8.21: That mullet is truly disturbing.

8.22: I'm seriously confused about that piano woman thing.
8.22: Macadonia! After images of greek birds and happy women!
8.22: Elena is performing for 'Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia' <-I love that name when they say it in French. It's so long!

8.23: This chick is wearing denim short shorts. At least they're not white! That's a bonus (the backup dancers are wearing white though!)

8.24: This chick has great legs fyi. I think she's a tranny.

8.25: They're descriminating against hair! Why can the male dancer have his hair covered by a beanie yet the two female dancers have to have their horrible afros out for everyone to see. I call foul.
8.25: Breakdancing again! I don't get it. Are we in 1984. Is Rock Steady Crew popular again? (i totally love "Hey You Rock Steady Crew" btw)

8.26: Romania next. Apparently he's gonna be good. "Tornero" can't remember the artist's name.
8.26: Happy women introducing nightclubs.

8.27: He's wearing a suit and he actually has the jacket done up so we can't she his white shirt. However the female dancer THING who's flopping around on stage is wearing white.
8.27: A bunch of other dancers just popped up.

8.28: Sorta catchy y'all. I don't know what he's saying though.
8.28: Whoa. another female backup dancer with an afro. Who authorised all these crimes against hair?

8.29: That thing he just did with his voice was tres odd.
8.29: Lol, the backup dancers are singing along but don't have mics so they're officially stupid.

8:30: Yeah, this is pretty decent as Eurovision goes. If it were released as a single in English it'd be a decent sized hit. But a one hit wonder, obviously.
8.30: We're going to the first commercial break now!

8.32: An ad for the EuroVision album! Woo hoo!

8.36: And we're back. Maria and Sakis are back and he is wearing the whitest freakin' suit I've ever seen (even whiter than before I think)
8.36: Sakis just said that tonight's audience is the best ever in the history of EuroVision? I bet he says that to all the audiences.
8.36: Lol, he pronounces "winner" as "weiner"

8.37: The first happy woman of the second act. This clip show is all about markets and how old Greeks make money (i think).
8.37: Bosnia & Herzegovena up now. They're wearing ALL FUCKING WHITE!!!!. 8.37: Apparently these are the guys the beat. We'll see.
8.37: Do they have a accordian? They do! loves it.

8.39: The flute noise (whatever it is) is really nice.
8.39: It's a bit slow, but maybe it'll pick up.
8.39: That violin bit was great. Really suits it.

8.40: This SO sounds like a song the Academy would nominate for Best Original Song.
8.40: I think I've been blinded by all the people wearing white!

8.41: I love that all the people playing instruments (five of them) put them all down to join the singer at the front of the stage, yet THE MUSIC DIDN'T STOP! Phantom musicians again
8.41: Another clip package. What do paper boats have to do with Greece?
8.41: "We Are the Winners" from Lithuana. Yeah, says a country that's never won!

8.42: Huh? Oh dear lordy this is... whoa.
8.42: "We are the winners. Of Eurovision. Vote for the winners!" I just did a direct quote if you didn't guess.
8.42: This is... I... I...

8.43: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH! That bald man was the scariest thing I've ever seen.
8.43: Okay, seriously, this song has barely any words other than "We are the winners of Eurovision. Vote! Vote! Vote! Vote for the winners!"

8.44: They get a big applause PLUS A BIG GIANT BOO! Loves it. They deserve it.

8.45: DAZ SAMPSON! "Teenage Life" I love this song. I downloaded it after Ramification recommended it. It's awesome.
8.45: What DID you learn at school today?
8.45: Whoa, he's way older than I anticipated.

8.46: I would NOT be surprised to see this rank very highly... or barely at all.
8.46: 9/10 plz! This song is so freakin' catchy.

8.47: The dancers aren't symmetrical! ugh.
8.47: I really liked UK's entry last year ("Touch my Fire" by Javine who is awesome) but it didn't rank very well I believe. I still have it on my iPod.

8.48: Yeah, that was awesome. Go the UK! Huge applause.

8.49: The happy woman appears to introduce us to the Greek party life.
8.49: Up now is, here we go, GREECE! Apparently people are saying they could pull off a rare feat of winning twice in a row. Turkey nearly did it recently, but were beaten by the Ukraine at the last minute. Let's see. The crowd goes bazerk.
8.49: Ooh. She looks like a tranny.

8.50: Her sleeves are really puffy. Like, hot-air balloon puffy.
8.50: Okay, this chick doesn't have the power in her voice for this rock ballad. atm it's an admirable effort.
8.50: I think she's wearing a cape.

8.51: The wind machine makes a welcome return at last!
8.51: I think her voice nearly broke
8.51: I should mention that her outfit is particially white! It's white with black lace all over it... I KNOW!

8.52: Crowd goes WILD. Is it for the song or her hideous outfit? Her cape is wraparound except for the front so it's just her leggings all the way up to the crotch.
8.52: Finland now. "Hard Rock Hallelujah". This is the hard metal song apparently.

8.53: They look like the orcs from The Lord of the Rings mixed with the Cyclos from Battlefield Earth (minus the snot)
8.53: Lol, the lead singers microphone is a battle axe turned upside down

8.54: At least they're... original (for Eurovision)
8.54: The lyrics are dog awful.
8.54: Nup, I ain't buying this. TRASH BIN PLZ
8.54: There's a female singer singing in falcetto! Yet she looks like an Orc with bad hair extensions.

8.55: Whoa, where did the lead singer get those WINGS from. Plz fly away. And take your platform boots (!!!) with ya. I'll give 'em points for being camp AND geeky at the same time.

8.56: LOL, that was ridiculous.
8.56: The happy woman is back and gone straight away.
8.56: UKRAINE! They won a couple of years back and it was an awesome song. Tina Karol "Show Me Your Love" this year.

8.57: She's wearing WHITE!!!! I'm gonna punch something soon.
8.57: It's catchy, already! She sounds like a buzzed up Shakira actually. Sorta looks like her too.
8.57: Great legs.
8.57: I don't really get the pants that her backup dancers are wearing. Like... huh? THe crotch is right down at their knees.

8.58: They just brought out a giant jump rope! Sweet.
8.58: Now they're doing the Ukranian dance... thing... I don't know what it's called. Madonna's dancers did it in the "Bedtime Stories" videoclip!

8.59: The backup dancers disappeared for a whole minute and then returned after Tina's big note with... wait, for it... TAMBORINES! Tamborines being the big finale of the piece. lol, loves it. 7/10.

9.00: The happy woman introduces a clip show of more Athens nightlife.
Time for France now! This could be good, hopefully. "The Time Has Come" by some singer I can't even imagine spelling but I think it was Virginie something.
9.00: Starts with a cello. And a guitar... yet there's only a cellist on stage. Why put a cellist on stage yet not a guitarist and maracca shaker (which I can now hear). It's not like they're actually playing the instruments anyway.

9.02: BTW she's wearing fucking white and the song is boring as batshit.
9.02: She looks really boring! Boring dress, boring hair, boring accessories, boring bling, boring song too. It doesn't even sound good in french.

9.03: I think even SHE is bored. Does France even give a shit anymore?

9.04: I just realised the stage looks like a giant venus fly trap!
9.04: Happy woman starts a clip of more happy people shopping and taking the train!
Croatia! "Croatia's answer to Elizabeth Hurley" "Much more fun to sing than listen to." according to Les Murray.
9.04: Whoa, I think I can see up that woman's vagina, that dress is so innapropriate.

9.05: HELLO BIG LIPS!
9.05: HELLO FALLOPIAN TUBES! So that is what they look like?
9.05: Is she actually singing stuff or just yelling noices at the crowd. "s-s-s-sex" I think she just said.


9.06: She just crouched down. Her ovaries are cute!
9.06: Wave-your-hands-in-the-air-time!
9.07: Lol, she just took her frock off! Who knew a uterus was allowed to be so openly shown on television?
9.07: I think they're doing an irish jig!

9.08: LOL, what the fuck was that? 5.5/10
9.08: That happy chick is back with the mountains of Greece.
9.08: Ireland now. Apparently it's the best Irish song in a while. Brian Kennedy. "Every Song is a Cry For Love" ... it sounds horrendous.

9.09: Wow, he's so old.
9.09: He gets 234923043a bonus points for not having white on either him, the guitarist or the backup singers. But the female backup singers are wearing this gross brown colour so I take up those bonus points and subtract a further 343849384 for being a horrible song.
9.09: This song is sorta bland. But these sorts usually go over well with voters, so...

9.10: Seriously, NOT EVERY SONG IS A CRY FOR LOVE, OKAY?!
9.10: Wow, the male backup singer looks like Gunther from "Friends" - and just as gay, too!
9.10: This dude's hair reminds me of Tom Hanks' in The Da Vinci Code

9.11: Lol, he went for a falsetto note but moved the mic away. What a twat.
9.11: The happy women introduce us to restuarants and old people.

9.12: Carola, Sweden's performer, won the Eurovision contest in 1991 apparently.
She has a big giant overflowing cape that's threatening to swallow all of Athens whole.

9.13: I'm pretty certain her pants are made of foil.
9.13: Whoa, it just turned into a Tina Cousins-esque dance song.
9.13: Awww, she just dropped the cape... that was NOT cool. Now I sorta have to focus on her horrible pants and her top that has that stuff that tassels are made of on it.

9.14: Backup singers are waving white flags for some reason. And they're all wearing white or really bright beige.

9.15: Okay, I sorta like this song. It's catchy up the wazoo and I feel like getting up and dancing y'all.
9.15: That wind machine is gonna blow a fuse but we can all be thankful of it's timely return! There's never too much use of the wind machine at Eurovision!
9.15: Yeah! That was actually pretty great. Definitely my third fave so far with only two more

9.16: That happy girl's teeth are really white. And she's introducing MATHEMATICS!!!!
9.16: "Superstar" is the song by Turkey who won a few years ago with a song that was awesome (i have it on my iPod)
9.16: Ooh, it sounds disco-ish.
9.16: Ooh, it looks like a tranny.

9.17: Her vagina is so shiny! Oh, wait, it's just her outfit.
9.17: Wow... english is definitely not this chick's first language, huh?!
9.17: Why does she have a starfish attached to her face like the slugs in that episode of "Futurama"?

9.17:The male backup dancers have shiny starfish attached to their groins.

9.18: "Let's feel the rhythm tonight!"
9.18: Oh honey, could you have hired any more homosexual dancers?
9.19: Her hair is pulled back so much it looks painful.
9.19: Those tits are fake.
9.19: That hair is fake.
9.19: That vagina is, i'm guessing, the fakest thing of all. Lynette Scavo could take a few lessons for this chick.

9.19: Aww, the last song of the night!!! The happy lady introduces a package about the Olympic games!
9.19: Armenia now. "Without Your Love" by André.

9.20: Woo! Suspenders are back, y'all. As are... weird snow beanies and felt vests (apparently)

9.21: Ugh, he's got a flavour saver! And gross hair.
9.21: Dude, what's with that vest?

9.22: Lol, he just groped his own arse.
9.23: Those suspenders are HUGE!
9.23: Okay, seriously, every year somebody does one of those dance moves where they get tangled up in some form of material.
9.23: There's ONE backup singer and she's just right at the back not doing anything (unlike that other time she's not overweight. In fact she's skinny and blonde)

9.23: aww, all 24 contestants have been and gone!
9.23: The hosts are back and this time the male is wearing a disgusting gold suit. I think he's secretly Tom Cruise!
9.23: Maria is wearing a skimpy dress but the thing that's causing me distress is her giant frizzy hair!

9.24: Wow, they only get 10 minutes to vote. Europe likes to move fast!
9.24: SPECIAL GUEST?!

9.25: Who is it?
9.25: 300 MILLION albums? Who's the special guest? OMG!
9.25: Is it Nana or Julio?
9.25: NANA MOUSKOURI!

9.26: AMAZING! Maria, stop saying AMAZING!
9.26: Lol, one person at a time, plz.
9.26: Dude, that gold suit is revolting.
9.26: "You're ALL winners!" <-LOLZ!!!

9.27: She just said they're all winners again. WTF.
9.27: Start voting NOW?
9.27: Star voting NOW!
9.27: Wait... NOW! OMG, they're screwing this up so much. Nana!!!

9.28: Recap!

So here's my scoring (out of 10):
Switzerland - 4
Moldovia - 4
Israel - 5
Latvia - 1
Norway - 3
Spain - 4
Malta - 3
Germany - 9.5
Denmark - 7
Russia - 5
Macedonia - 6
Romania - 8
Bosnia & Herzegovenia - 8
Lithuania - 0
UK - 9
Greece - 6.5
Finland - 4
Ukraine - 7
France - 3.5
Croatia - 5.5
Ireland - 5.5
Sweden - 8
Turkey - 5
Armenia - 5

Germany is definitely my fave with their toe-tapping country entry. WAY TO GO! Whod've thought that any country would do that, let alone Germany.

9.34: Last year's winner Elena Paparizu is performing a new song. And... it's actually really good. She's probably win if she entered. It's called "Mambo" and I'm so gonna download it RIGHT NOW.

9.36: She's hot in that outfit she has on right now! All sparkly and hawt.
9.36: OMG omly 30 seconds to vote!

9.37: The hosts are back. He's still wearing that atrocious shiny gold suit. It's a good thing he's so hot. She's changed to a big black ball gown type dress that has a slip up the middle of the front. She's also got a... wait for it... SIDE PONYTAIL! It's all frizzy too. That's pretty much the funniest thing all night. It makes me want to watch the Sarah Jessica Parker/Helen Hunt 1980s classic Girls Just Want to Have Fun!


9.38: Ad break. I'm a bit upset there were no HILARIOUSLY deluded artists like there have been. Remember the duo that scored the UK zero points. They were hilariously bad. Or the Wiggles impersonators. Or how about last year's Granmama Bangs the Drums or whatever that hilarious performance was?

9.40: Still on an ad break. I wanna get into the voting moments. I won't liveblog the actual scores from each country, but I will keep y'all informed about whose in the lead and who is getting zilch.

I'll explain the voting. Viewers from each country in Europe vote for who they thought was the best. And so (i think) 10 countries get points, the country with the highest votes get 12 points I think and the rest get points 1-8, 10 1 being the tenth for the lowest. But of course there's 24 teams so sometimes teams don't get any votes from any country. They cannot vote for their own country. But the thing is countries usually just vote for their neighours. Like, Scandanavian countries give each others the big points. etc. It's hilarious ripped, but 'tev. (that made no sense i know!)

9.44: We're back now and we've got our mid-show program. There's some weird Greek-in-song celebration. They look like Enigma (if you remember that group from the '90s. Ya know "Return to Innocence", "Mea Culpa", and they were big fans of roman numerals!)

9.47: Oh god, they are literally dressed like parrots right now.

9.50: Umm... I don't even know what they're doing now. Honestly. I... can't figure anything out. They're dressed in giant human costumes and are walking around the stage.
9.50: Now time for the Bezuki... apparently? Or Zorba's dance thing...

9.52: We're gonna get into the voting! Yay! The man in charge of it says it all went to plan.

9.52: Maria tells us only 22 countries have won Eurovision.

9.54: Slovenia's vote man just hit on Maria.
9.54: Bosnia-Herzegovenia is in front after one country.

9.55: See, Armenia voted 12 points for SPAIN! Cause they're right next to each other. Blech. Finland in the lead.

9.57: Lol, that's so stupid. They're idiots.
9.57: Denmark announcing their votes now.
9.57: Germany finally got three points. Blah. Europeans are dimwits (not really, they're hot and I love them)

9.58: Finland back in the front.
9.58: Latvia voting now. "The most beautiful Maria in the world" <-lame!
9.58: Ew, they gave 10 points to Lithuania. Blech. Worst. Song. Ever. (not really, but it's very rotten).
9.58: Portugal now.

9.59: SHUT UP LISBON BITCH

10.00: WHOA! Portugal didn't give anything to Spain. That's scandalous.

10.01: Ugh - why are Finland so popular. That was horrible.
10.01: At least Finland are voting now so they can't get any points.

10.02: Ugh - this voting is atrocious. The fact that Lithuania and Finland are so popular is gross and disgusting.

10.03: "You look amazing!"
10.03:At least Bosnia Herzegovenia is doing good.

10.04: 27 countries to go! Crikies.

10.06: I just started downloading "No No Never" by Texas Lightning - Germany's excellent entry. I figure somebody has to give it some loving as it's not getting much from Europe.
10.06: Norway's voting. I wonder if Finland will get 12 points.

10.07: Duh. Finland still (somehow) in the lead.
10.07: Estonia right now. Oh... the vote announcer has really bad orange hair! Ew, they gave Lithuania 8 votes. Gross.

10.08: I'm disappointed that Ireland, an English speaking country didn't give Germany more than 3 points. At least they gave UK 8.
10.08: Finland is on 119
10.08: OH MY GOD! Ireland gave Lithuana ("We are the winners") 12 points. Disgraceful Ireland.

10.09: Remember that episode of "Father Ted" where Father Ted and Father Dougal entered into Eurovision and beat the other two priests because Ireland couldn't afford to send anyone so they deliberately chose a bad entry so they wouldn't get past the finals? Yeah, that was funny. As was "Father Ted" in general. But you know what's not funny. Finland.

10.10: Ew. Malta gave Switzerland 12 points. Gross. They got booed because of it! Rightfully so.

10.11: Finland now on 136 and they're in the lead by something like 30 points. Blech. NO TASTE, BITCHES.
10.11: Where did Cyprus go? They just skipped Cyprus!
10.11: Oh, it is Cyprus. They just put the wrong flag up.

10.12: ...he's...talking...so...slow...

10.13: ...he's...singing...now...really...slowly...
10.13: Wow, they gave Greece 12. That's a shocker (or not)
10.13: Lol, the Netherlands vote reader is... well, unkempt to say the least.

10.14: OH MY GOD! He scared me. He just screamed at the tv and applauded Maria's blause (or Sakis'?)
10.14: Ew, Armenia 10 points?
10.14: gross...

10.15: this is disgusting and pathetic. JUST GET ON WITH THE FUCKING VOTES YOU IDIOTS!
10.15: Turkey 12 points.
10.15: LOL "This time, it's really Bern that's calling!!" lol. They gave Germany 7 points, yay.

10.16: 1. Finland, 2. Russia, 3. Bosnia Herzegovenia.
10.16: Maria is in the Green Room. The Greek entry said she would vote for Finland if she could. YOU'RE HORRIBLE (as is your outfit, bitch)

10.17: Ukraine now. "Kyiv is online!" apparently.
10.17: How have Armenia gotten 40 points so far? Horrible.

10.18: Typical - Ukraine gave Russia 12 points. Will Russia (up now) give them 12?
10.18: The Russian vote reader has a horrible fringe!!OMG!!!

10.19: Finland are now infront by 40 points!!! ugh.
10.19 Russia gave Ukraine 10 and Armenia 12 points. That's... horrifying.

10.20: Poland now. It turns out Poland chose the most dull looking news reader possible to read their votes.
10.20: His voice is funny! It's sort of nasal but with a mix of American and then obviously european. And. He. Spoke. Like. This. Sorta like George W Bush talk ya know?

10.21: The male host just went "we're not finished yet!" after a plug for the DVD. No kidding, hey?!
10.21: UK voting now. They gave Lithuania 10 (gross!!!) and Finland 12 (gross!!!) and now they're up by about 50 points.

10.22: The male host just went "Finland in the lead... for now" <-lol, they can't lose right now you tosspot.
10.22: The Armenian vote reader JUST SCREAMED AT ME FOR NO REASON!!!
10.22: Armenia didn't give Finland any points. Whod've thought a country with such horrible taste as to allow their entrant out of the country, would show class and not give the orcs any points.

10.23: Malta and Israel have absolutely ZERO points. We'll see if they can get some by the end of the show.

10.24: Okay, France just gave Israel 4 points. So much for that. France is coming second last on 2 points just so you know.

10.25: The weird woman who came out of Russia's piano was still in full makeup and costume when they cut to her reaction shot. Odd. Luckily, she got out of the piano unscathed!

10.26: Germany's vote reader is dressed as a country and western man. Shame they're only on 26 points (Finland is 220ish)

10.27: YOWZA! The Spanish (female) vote reader is HOT!!!
10.27: Finland now 230.

10.30: Finland really can't lose right now. They're at 243 and Russia is 196 (in second place)
10.30: ICELAND! That reminds me... I LOVE BJöRK

10.31: Finland gets 12 from Iceland and are in front by 54 points. Blech.
10.31: 7 countries to go. If Finland get no votes at all and Russia gets a whole swag they could win!!!!! Nah, that's like saying Crash could overtake Brokeback Mountain for Best Picture even though Brokeback had won the BAFTA, GG, DGA, PGA, WGA and 33 critics awards while Crash only won the WGA and SAG and few "Best Newcomer" critics awards. Oh... wait.
10.31: France just got 3 points from the UK. Malta still on zero points!!

10.32: Israel voting now. They're making small talk. SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET ON WITH THE VOTES! Just cause nobody liked your entry doesn't mean you should fuck it up for the rest of us. (I Heart Israel 4ril)

10.33: Israel gives Russia 12 points but Finland still up by around 50 points.
10.33: Oh god, could Albania have chosen a creepier looking vote reader?

10.34: MALTA JUST RECEIVED A POINT!!!!! One single solitary point.


10.35: Greece's turn now. I love that they have to cut away to a vote reader even though they're in Greece.
10.35: Greece gives Finland another 12 points. I really don't understand this. It's like Crash winning Best Picture all over again (except if all the characters in Crash sang tacky pop songs and wore lots of glitter... which actually would've made it better)

10.37: The big question is if Finland can reach 300 points with only a couple of countries left to announce their votes.
10.37: SHUT UP AND ANNOUNCE YOUR VOTES, YOU IDIOTS! (Former Yugoslav Republic)

10.38: AND WE HAVE A WINNER! Finland wins with 292 points. The orcs of Middle Earth just won Eurovision. How surreal. Russia's Dima Bilan came second and Bosnia Herzegovenia's Hari Mata Hari came third.

10.40: Aww, they just caught a reaction shot of Germany (with their Australian lead singer). I feel for them. They were too classy for this Eurovision. Instead people wanted to reward some idiots in LOTR costumes.

10.42: They're performing again. God, they're horrible. Does this mean that next year will be a whole lot of shit like this? I hope not! That'd be gross. They look so stupid.

Ugh. Oh well. Sort of a disappointing end to a night that was filled with the right amount of bitchiness, camp and truly hilariously bad music. Who knew suspenders would be back?

That was really long!

Ciao, bitches!

5 comments:

Chris said...

Fantastic review- we watched it here on Saturday night - I thought Sweden's entry was classic eurovision, althought apparantly she is homophobic.
Germany's song was catchy and the Uk's entry was good too. That Finnish thing was abysmal. Our totty vote went to the Russian guy (despite the mullet - I'm sure it was ironic).
I am going to go shopping for a gold suit - in the vain hope I'll be as hot as Sakis.

Cheers,

Chris

Cal said...

God that Russian guy was to die for, despite the hair.

Kamikaze Camel said...

lol, really? What he was sellin', I wasn't buying. The gross hair didn't help matters.

Sakis was where it was at though.

homoeclectic said...

Wow - that's an amazing liveblog - I feel like I've just relived the whole shebang - I must admit, I now feel slightly scarred.

J.D. Judge said...

Brain slugs are great. Obey the brain slugs, but most of all...

OBEY THE HYPNOTOAD!!! HYPNOTOAD SEES ALL!!!