January 9, 2006

Uwe Boll Likes to Torture People for Money

BloodRayne: It takes pure skill to release 4 of the worst movies ever made in the span of 4 years, but it seems like Uwe Boll has succeeded. "House of the Dead" - the only one I have seen - currently sits at #22 on IMDbs Worst Films of All Time list. "Alone In The Dark" (ya know, the one with Tara Reid as a brain surgeon or something) sits at #38. "BloodRayne" (out this weekend in the states) already sits at the illustrious place right above it, at #37 AFTER 2 DAYS OF NATIONAL RELEASE!!! That it stars Billy Zane, Meatloaf, Kristanna Loken, Michael Madsen and Michelle Rodriguez really shouldn't surprise me. but BEN FREAKIN' KINGSLEY? Holy crap. Talk about a killer paycheck.

Add onto that the fact that IMDb has to more 2006 titles under Mr. Boll's name is frightening. One of them "In The Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale" actually had a rumour a while back that it was to be released in two volumes, ala Kill Bill! Is it possible for a movie to get zero people attending it in it's first week - i'm sure the second volume would get just that. That movie has Jason Strathom (too hot for movies such as this!), Ray Liotta (RAY LIOTTA!! Ya know, from "GoodFellas"!), Matt Lillard (no surprise), Leelee Sobiesky (no surprise), Burt Reynolds (hey, if Uwe Boll is good enough for Academy Award winner Ben Kingsley then why not a mere Academy Award nominee such as Reynolds).

The third is called "Far Cry" and has only been "announced" so there's a good bet it'll be released in 2007. If that is the case then we will also have two movies in 2007 from Boll! that one and "Postal", another game adaptation starring, WAIT FOR THIS...

Gary Coleman as... GARY COLEMAN!!!!

LOL. Interesting to note though, is that "Postal" will be the first of his latest string of movies to be actually written by the man himself. I love that he wrote a movie for Gary Coleman to star as humself. Like, WTF? Then in 2008 we have "Fear Effect" to look forward to. And if Uwe Boll reads IMDb's forums then maybe he'll listen to user ninjette515 and make "Tetris: Annihilation" - ready for release the very first week of January, 2009. Why do his movies seem to be released in the first week of the year? Why do studios wish to give us such a bad omen to start the movie-going year.

I hear they're making a PacMan movie. God, I hope Uwe's schedule clears up in time to make that one. (I'm not kidding about PacMan, they're really making one)

My favourite Uwe Boll moment was in "House of the Dead" when the kids went to the "Rave of the Century" and they could only get there by ferry - and there was only one ferry and it left at, like, 2pm and there were only about 50 people at the rave. Oh, there was also the bit when the house of the title showed up and it was like a outback dunny house. Or when a character died the camera did a 360 zoom of them and faded to red - however, Uwe must've gotten bored of that because it only happened to two characters and then it was never seen again. LOL.

I just found a hilarious little bit of trivia on the IMDb forums (the Uwe Boll pages (for him and his movies) are the only places there that are civil and with everyone in agreement, lol) about Mr Boll and his financing

Have you ever seen Mel Brooks' "the Producers"? (either the original or the recent musical version.) It's about a pair of Broadway producers who realize that, with the right accounting, a person could make more money off a bad play than a good one. They then set out to find the absolute Worst Play Ever Written, with the goal of raising a huge amount of investment money, putting on a guaranteed flop, and keeping the investors' money (since it would be viewed as just a bad investment, so they wouldn't be expecting any money back).

Uwe Boll is a real-life version of the Producers. It has been widely known that he and his investors have been exploiting a loophole in the German tax code (which was just closed this past New Year's), which (as I understand it) allows investors in German movies to not only recoup a portion of their lost investment in the case a movie flops, but they also will receive a tax break (the idea was to create an incentive to invest in the German film industry by making the prospect of a lost investment less painful). What Boll and his investors bank on is that the recouped investment money and the tax break at the end of the year (both provided by German taxpayers), will add up to be greater than the original investment.

Instead of investing in a work of art that may flop or may turn in to the next Titanic, it's easier to get a bunch of videogame licenses (which people expect to be bad, so suspicions of intentionally making a bad movie would be less readily apparent), make literally unwatchable movies based on those games, watch the movie flop, and receive a paycheck from German taxpayers.

that IS interesting. I bet it's true.

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