January 9, 2006

Glenn's Top 20 Least Anticipated Movies of 2006

YES! I'm sitting here sick and I have nothing to do (I don't feel like watching a DVD). These movies aren't just the "not interested" variety, but the ones that I just hate the fact that they even exist (or, will exist as some haven't even started filming yet). I will no doubt see some of them, some I really hope I don't. Obviously some movies will eventually get trailers that make them look positively awful. Some of these will probably get trailers that make me much more excited. But as of right this second...

So... here we go (excluding Straight-to-DVD movies as almost all of them are pointless and horrible. Stuart Little 3? The Net 2.0...? actually, i'd like to see the sequel to The Net now that the internet is about 20billion times what it was back when the original was out.)

20. Running Scared
I usually find Paul Walker unobtrusive. He's pretty, makes (usually) bad movies that disappear quickly (see, that diving movie from a few months back or that time travel one from 2 years ago - forgotten their names already!). However it makes me incredibly irritated when people such as Mr Walker try and go all series and... well, end up making claptrap such as this. I'm sure this will make $5mil on opening weekend and disappear by the next weekend, still doesn't mean I have to like it being there

19. Sin City 2
Okay, this is where I need to explain. I will definitely see this movie. It's just that I was so "...whatever..." about the first one that I can't garner much excitement about this one. If it follows the exact same path as the original (which i'm sure it will) then I'm sure i will have the exact same problems that I had with that one. I hope I'm wrong. And I know the trailer isn't going to change my initial thoughts because the first movie's trailer kicked ass...

18. Over the Hedge
The reason this innocent-looking animated movie is on here is because of one big fat glaring thing - DREAMWORKS ANIMATION. I wouldn't have such a personal vendetta against them if they made a good movie once in a while, but while Aardman protect Dreamworks Animation from completely Satan-level evil levels, their in-house productions are horrible. The original trailer for Madagascar also delighted me, and then there was the film.

17. Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby
Oh, Will! Will, Will, Will. What ever am I going to do with you. You make a movie I actually want to see ("Stranger than Fiction") yet then you go and make a silly NASCAR movie movie. I suppose it could end up decent, but I'm expecting "Driven" levels here. Plus, that title is atrocious.

16. Rocky 6
Rocky 6. SIX. nuff said.

15. Ice Age 2: The Meltdown
The fact that the two trailers I've seen have all been about Scrat just solidifies my belief about this movie. No one cares about anyone except Scrat - and even he is sure to wear out his welcome soon enough. Does anyone even remember any character names from the original, OTHER than Scrat?

14. Basic Instinct 2: Risk Addiction
Oh, Sharon. I love you, I really do. You gave one of my favourite female performances of the '90s in "Casino" because it played on your under-mined abilities as an actress and your sex image. However, making movies like "Catwoman", "Cold Creek Manor" and "Basic Instinct 2" are not going to get you back into the business. Thankfully you had "Broken Flowers" last year and "Bobby" this year amongst others. THERE'S STILL HOPE FOR YOU YET, SHAZZA!

13. You, Me, and Dupree
Obnoxious Friend movies are probably one of my least favourite sub-genres. This one shouldn't change that opinion any time soon.

12. Creature From the Black Lagoon
Holy Crap! Did you even know they're remaking this? And written by GARY ROSS (as in "Pleasantville" and "Seabiscuit"). I. Don't. Understand.

11. Mission Impossible III
Oy... the second was bad enough, now 6 years after that debacle Tom has decided he (and us) needs more of this shit. Throw in Phillip Seymour Hoffman as the villain and Tom Cruise's ego/vanity/midlife crisis and it all comes up to a big resounding "No Thankyou". Althought that one big in the teaser where the thing exploded and Tom got thrown into a car was sorta cool. I fully expect to see this nevertheless. Blah.

10. I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
Okay, yes - another one. I love that they needed to punctuate the title! This one isnt a continuation, but is instead a whole knew story - so the title doesn't make sense in context. A bunch of friends kill one of their friends and then a year later (July 4, duh) they realise they made a mistake. This one doesn't star Brandy though, so that's good! It does however star the all-star cast of KC Clyde, Torrey DeVitto, Ben Easter, Star LaPoint, Brooke Nevin, Seth Packard, David Paetkau and Don Shanks. lol. How pissed is Lois Duncan though. She's STILL being credited to these movies.

9. Click
Adam Sandler. However, this one has Sophie Monk (hah!), Kate Beckinsale (in her first of two appearances on this list), Sean Astin and Christopher Walken in wacky mad professor mode (i think). All this spells horrible.

8. Garfield 2
I haven't seen the original, nor do I care to. I saw the trailer - that was bad enough. Truly, truly, awful that one was. I can't imagine this being any better.

7. The Eye
Both Hollywood and Renee Zellweger reach into their never-ending bag of career reviving tricks with this one. Hollywood trying desperately to keep the Asian horror two-trick pony happening (The Ring and Grudge were it), Renee desperately trying to keep her face from collapsing on itself by hopefully having to at least open her eyes in seminal shock every now and then. That this film is directed by Hideo Nakata may have given me hope if not for the fact that he directed the disastrous "The Ring Two". Colour be bored by this genre. And, Renee, stop squinting so hard. If you make faces it'll stay that way FOREVER.

6. The Pink Panther
I've been seeing this trailer attached to movies for over half a year now. That's never a good sign. Also doesn't help that the trailer is so unfunny that any (minutely) small buzz that there was vanished when it got moved to the dead zone that is January/February

5. Underworld: Evolution
The original was one of the most rediculous movies I've ever seen in a cinema (so much so that one of my then-friends said he was going to see it a second time because I was laughing so much throughout the screening). Unfortunately this movie still inflicts us with one of the cinemas all-time trifecta of horrible actors. Kate Beckinsale, Scott Speedman and worst of all Shane Brolly. Those three were just beyond bad in the first, I can't even imagine them being any worse in this one... though as rule of thumb for horror sequels goes, they will find a way.

4. Grudge 2
Who wants to bet that they actually give this film a plot?! What? No takers, yeah - didn't think so. For some odd reason, the lack of any plot structure vaguely worked for the original Japanese version (even if that one is extremely over-hyped and not that great) but it was disastrous for the American version. It just came off as pure pointlessness (the remake factor didn't help matters). And I can't think of any reason why the lame-brained sequel will be any different. But maybe this time we'll actually get a reason as to why the kid sounded like a cat? I doubt that...

3. Big Momma's House 2
For the love of god, YOU'RE KIDDING ME, RIGHT?! Nobody liked this six years ago and it ain't funny now, i can bet. Martin Lawrence officially died in "National Security" - this is the equivelant of grave robbing. I actually sorta feel sorry for him. ...but not enough to put myself through the pain of this movie.

2. Uwe Boll Triple Bill!!!
In The Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale
Far Cry

For comments on these movies see seperate entry "Uwe Boll Likes to Torture People For Money"

1. The Shaggy Dog
If three Santa Clause movies, "Christmas With the Kranks", "The Return of Zoom" and "Joe Somebody" weren't enough to convince you that Tim Allen of yore is no more, then there is this debacle. I can understand Kristen Davis doing this - she has nothing else. And while Robert Downey Jr, Danny Glover and Philip Baker Hall also have no excuses, it is just downright sad seeing Tim Allen here. The trailer looks absolutely horrendous (in a dubious honour, it looks WORSE than "Son of Mask" if you can believe it) and the sight of Tim Allen pretending to be a dog (an actual dog, no dirty joke type of dog) is pathetic. Where did the "Toy Story"/"Galexy Quest" man go? Those were family films that were good. This is just sad and a legitimate contender for worst use of a formerly risque comedian - yes, I don't even think Eddie Murphy sunk this low. And even Martin Lawrence up there is making PG-13 movies. Ugh.

Dishonourary Mentions:

The 39 Steps/East of Eden
I only discovered these today when researching the first post. Firstly, "The 39 Steps" - The 1935 original Hitchcock version is one of my absolutel faves and the thought of it being remade sort of sickens me. However, Robert Towne is directing so there is hope - but, really, the original is just so perfect and the story is so simple, i find it hard to believe how they can change it so much as to warrent remaking it. Or are they gonna Psycho it up and just film it in colour with no changes (actually, thinking about it, I'm a fan of Van Sants "Psycho", so...)

On "East of Eden" - one of my Top 10 films of ALL TIME being remade by (and this is the kicker)... RON HOWARD!!!! OH. MY. GOD. !!!. How's that for a kick in the pants. NOBODY would have been able to improve on the 1955 version by Elia Kazan, but the thought of Ron Howard doing so is sickening. Truly mind-bogglingly sickening. If there is any serious director who could've been a worse choice I can't think of one. If Howard really wants to make a great movie though he will take a page out of Kazan's book and hire mostly unknown actors. How else do you think the world was greeted to James Dean (who gave one of the all-time greatest performances of any year by any actor, ever in the original).

I would have these in the list (top 5 definitely) but I expect them to be pushed to 2007, but as it is it's bad enough.

Man, it's good to vent every once and a while... I'm gonna go do that Uwe Boll post now.

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