Glenn Sez: R Kelly

No, Weird Al Yankovich hasn't suddenly become funny. I am holding in my hot little hands the new CD, entitled Double Up (how romantic), by the one the only R Kelly. I kid you not, this is the funniest CD I have ever heard that wasn't a standup album (and even then...) I was just mentioning this in the last entry, but it got out of control and decided to make an entirely seperate entry. R Kelly deserves it!

I really wish the album sleeve had the lyrics printed in them so I could scan them and prove to you that this is the comedy masterpiece of the decade. So, let's go through the funniest songs and reveal why this is the funniest thing you'll ever hear.

"The Zoo"

I got you so wet/
It's like a rainforest/
Like Jurassic Park/
Except I'm your sex-a-saurus/
You and me hoppin'/
Like two kangaroos/
Rattling and moaning/
Out here in these woods.

I know, right? The entire song is sort of like that.

"Sex Planet"

Jupiter, Pluto, Venus And Saturn/
I'm leavin' Earth girl to explore your galaxy/
Ten to zero, blast off, here we go/
We'll be climaxin' 'til we reach Mercury girl.

Oh dear.

"Havin' a Baby"

While I can't believe I'm gonna be a father/
In nine months a child will be born/
Baby, you're pregnant in April/
Which means we're havin a capricorn /
I'm so glad to be a part of this/
Cause girl a child is heaven sent/
This is a blessing to me/
To have you with my seed.

Aah, yes. Nothing says "I'm so happy we're having a baby" than "my girl has my seed!"

"Rock Star"

Girl, yo booty so swole/
How you get them jeans around it/
Girl, yo booty so swole/
Why you think I'm singin' 'bout It /
Hit it hard from the back/
Then I go to sleep and dream 'bout it/
It's like that ass is crack/
They way you got me feenin' 'bout it/
I'm tellin you now the way we fuckin'/
Gon' lead to child birthin'.

Firstly, what does "swole" mean? Secondly, this song is kind of annoying in that the music itself is really quite good and could have been a legitimately good track, but instead we get more lyrics about R Kelly's "seed".

"Leave Your Number"

Leave your name right after the beep and I'm/
Sure to get back with you/
If I'm not asleep or/
Smoking on some trees or/
Having a little sex or/
If I'm not faded or/
Making a baby.

Reinterpreting the theme to The Greatest American Hero is risky, but I think the amount of depth and pathos that Kellz (as he calls himself a lot) brings out is amazing.

"Best Friend"

[Polow Da Don:]
Yo what up my nigga you straight? any thing i can get you?
[R Kelly:]
This toilet paper be cuttin' my ass i need some roles of tissue/
Charmin, Nigga what happened to those squares yo ass promised/

...do I even need to say anything?

"Freaky In The Club"

That money/
Make the pretty puss taste like honey/
By the way she's windin' it on me/
My goodness girl, you so freaky/
You so freaky (Oh)/
Girl and the way you flexin' that g-string/
And you got me tossin' this money/
I got hotel keys/
Wanna leave with me.

The amount of times I've heard guys use the cliche "Girl, the way you flexin' yo g-string makes me wanna toss this money" line I'd be a millionaire.

"Same Girl"
Now, this song by Kelly and Usher doesn't actually have incredibly hilarious lyrics (just bad ones), but I need to make mention of the best press release of all time.

Once in a lifetime do two mega stars come together. Rarely do such people put aside difference and ego and show the bravery and confidence needed to do something together. And when it happens the people stop, listen and watch. For a moment the world stops...

Yes. If you do listen to the song (and, well, it's probably the worst duet I've heard in a long long time, perhaps ever) then realise this apparently mind-blowing once in a lifetime duet is deep and plows emotional depths previously uncharted territory for both men.

Rarely do we hear the fellas tell of being two timed and played. Never out the mouths of sex symbols like R. Kelly and Usher. But here they are. Saying it for the world to hear.

*nods in agreement* So deep...

"Real Talk"

Fuck Me? Girl, fuck you/
I don't give a fuck about what you talking about/
Im sick of this bullshit I'm coming home and getting my shit and gettin the fuck up out in a dodge/
You ain't gotta worry about me no more/
And the next time your ass get horny/
Go fuck one of your funky ass friends/
Hell, you probably doing that shit anyway.

And sort of like how the celebrity rape sequence derails the hilarity in the comedy film masterpiece Showgirls, this scary misogynistic swear-laden diatribe kind of kills the atmosphere. Although I did snicker at "funky ass fiends" I must say.

There's also a few other songs I haven't quoted. There's actually a tribute song to the victims of the Virginia Tech massacre called "Rise Up". I KNOW!

I gotta say though that my favourite moment in the funniest album of all time was the chorus from "Sweet Tooth" in which R Kelly quite literally equates "fine assed women" to food-stacked refrigerators. I kid you not!

Got a sweet tooth for you girl/
Baby I'm tempted to taste/
I can't wait to drink your milk/
Your looking like a big whole piece of cake/
I'm all up in your middle/
oooh it taste like skittles.

Well, is there any arguing with him there? She looks like cake and tastes like skittles!


For a grade, something like Double Up transcends all letter and star grades. So I'm inventing a special grade.


FOUR TIM TAMS OUT OF A PICKLE. It's the only grade that makes nearly as much sense as this album!