March 26, 2007

But was there a morning after? WAS THERE?!?!

Oh, boy, this was a doozy! I had the destinct, er, pleasure of watching Wolfgang Petersen's ridiculous remake Poseidon. Let me tell you this: It's hilarious. Really really hilarious. But, let me also tell you this: It's bad. Really really bad. It's ludicrously absurd and the laughs come thick and fast. But, yeah, it's really stupid and silly and I just don't understand what the people involved with it were doing.

My favourite bit was when Kurt Russell emerged from a pile of corpses and they looked like bad drag puppets.

Confession - I haven't seen The Poseidon Adventure. The 15 minutes of it that I saw as a child traumatised me and I never watched it since (although I'm sure I could handle it now), but from what I've heard that one is a hoot because of it's cast (SHELLEY WINTERS!) and not because it's really poorly made.

The movie is just one ridiculous thing after another. And the movie is only 85 minutes long! The wave hits the boat within 15 minutes and the rest is just a whole lot of scenes where the group of survivors tries to escape, encounters a problem, comes up with a crazy-but-suitable answer (one person usually dies after each problem) and then they continue on their way. The problems they encounter and the answers they come up with get progressively stupider as the movie goes on, yet that only makes it more enjoyable.

I was sitting there for a while after the movie ended, I washed some dishes and tidied some stuff and then I thought of the perfect way to review this movie.


Get together with three friends and each pick one option from each of the three zones. Or, if you only have one friend then each of you select two of each zone. Trust me, you'll be plastered, laquered and varnished by the end and, well, I'm not sure there will be... a morning after!

Take a mouthful of beer/wine or a sip of a premade cocktail if:

  • A red button flashes on screen!

  • Someone holds their breath for longer than 45 seconds!

  • You confuse Josh Lucas with Kurt Russell!

  • You confuse Jacinda Barrett with Emmy Rossum!

  • Take a shot of your hard liquor of choice if:

  • Someone dies after a crazy rescue scheme!

  • Someone mentions/touches/uses a piece of jewellery!

  • Someone holds their breath for longer than one minute!

  • Richard Dreyfuss acts as the token gay (that includes consoling women, crying and calling people "honey")!

  • Take two shots of your hard liquor of choice if:

  • Someone appears to be hiding a secret!

  • A door or hatch won't open!

  • Someone opens a hatch they shouldn't!

  • That silly precocious child walks away from the group!

  • BONUS!!

  • Everybody scull a beer/wine/cocktail for 30 seconds anytime an ethnic person dies (only applies to the ethnic characters played by known actors. Otherwise you'd be drinking all night!)

  • BONUS 2!!

  • Everybody think of the worst possible way that Stacey Ferguson (aka, Black Eyed Peas singer Fergie) can die. The best answer as judged by the group gets to take three shots of their prefered liquor of choice.

  • BONUS 3!!

  • Everytime a character gets trapped under or on something, take a mouthful of beer/wine/cocktail.

Enjoy, suckers!!

^WARNING: Not an accurate illustration of "Poseidon"^

If there was one thing that Poseidon lacked (apart from the obvious things like character developement, good acting and interesting setpieces) it was sharks (man, a shark scene would have gone down a treat! I would have been suffice with a killer dolphin scene) and shirtless men. Josh Lucas and Mike Vogul are dripping wet for the majority of the movie yet they didn't think once to take off those constricting wet shirt? Shame...


Paxton Hernandez said...

Great review! hahaha, way funny.

Indeed, Poseidon was one of the worst pieces of shit seen last year. I could never stand their "The Darker you Skin Is, The Faster You Die" policy hahahaha.

Geez, gratuitous t&a and some random sex scene would have been great on this turkey. Too bad there weren't any hot babes on this to do that. = )

J.D. Judge said...

Dear lord, that could the greatest thing I've ever seen that has remotely anything to do with Fergie!!!! Great job!

I actually thought the movie was good, but not great. Great visual effects and production design I thought. And 5 people. 5 PEOPLE survived. And I LOVE Emmy. Glad she lived. But, will she ever do anything that, on average, is critically acclaimed by more than me? Poor girl. I thought she was great in TPhOTO. Shut up!

Kamikaze Camel said...

Well, yeah, I thought Emmy and Jacinda were interchangable.

It was so strange that the two leading men were so similar and the leading ladies (well, as close as you can get to calling them leading ladies) were also so similar. That was terrible casting.

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