When Bad Posters Strike: I Could Never Be Your Woman (Spanish Version)

I present to you a fictional conversation between Michelle Pfeiffer, Paul Rudd, Diane Keaton and Kate Winslet.

Michelle: Why are my eyes so buggy? And why is my hair so frizzy.

Paul: It's because buggy eyes and frizzy hair makes the audience know that you are a crazy and neurotic woman who can't keep a boyfriend. The headset you're wearing also demonstrates that you a) are a hard working business woman or b) still listen to your walkman and those delightful cassette tapes of Boyz II Men songs you recorded off of the radio.

Michelle: *shoots laser beams out of her eyes*

Paul: You're still hot though.

Michelle: Well thank you. I must ask... why do you look like Sarah Jessica Parker.

Paul: ...

Michelle: Why are you looking at me like that?

Paul: If I could shoot laser beams right now I would. At you. Even though you're still hot. You are neurotic.

Michelle: Neurotic my ass.

Paul: Holy shit, I really do look like Sarah Jessica Parker. Or a really bad drag version of her. That's so upsetting. Normally I'm attractive in a i-don't-care-what-you-think sort of way.

Michelle: I'm always attractive in a i'm-always-attractive sort of way.

Diane: Would you two shut up. Look, Michelle. I've won an Oscar. You haven't. Sad, I know, but you're not going to win one by copying me, alright. Just face it. I am the neurotic one. I am the slightly unhinged one. I am the one who shows up at awards shows wearing film costumes from the 1970s. I am the one who always has the bottom of the paper bag fall out on my way home from the grocery store only to have the man I have a high school crush on show up to help me. ME!

Michelle: Must... resist... urge... to kill... not... neurotic....

Kate Winslet: Hi guys! It's me, five time Academy Award-nominee Kate Winslet. Look, Michelle! Don't you listen to that crazy neurotic Diane Keaton. Us constant Oscar-losers need to stick together. Even if you have tried to copy me. Honestly. We're too good for these movies, really. Although at least you get Sarah Jessica Parker. I got shlubby Jack Black.

Paul: Hey!

Michelle: At least Jack Black doesn't look like Sarah Jessica Parker!

Paul: Hey!!! Whatever, at least I'm not a neurotic mess.

Michelle: *vapourises Paul Rudd with laser death stare*

Diane: Where's Jack Nicholson's sunnies when you need them?

Michelle: *vapourises Diane Keaton with laser death stare*

Kate: Look Michelle. You don't wanna kill me. We're like sisters. We're both really sexy and we've both never won an Oscar despite many, many nominations. We need to stick together.

Michelle: *vapourises Kate Winslet with laser death stare* Who's neurotic now?!?!

{fin}

But where does the pollen go?!?!

"Reproduction"

Music & Lyrics: Genners Wade
Vocal: Tab Hunter and Cast

Mr. Stuart:
The parts of a flower are so constructed that very, very often the wind will cause pollination.
If not, then a bee or any other nectar gathering creature can create the same situation.
Yes, anything that gets the pollen to the pistils, write it on the list.
I'll try to make it crystal-clear:
The flower's insatiable passion turns its life into a circus of debauchery!

Mr. Stuart: Now you see just how the stamen gets its lusty dust onto the stigma.
And why this frenzied chlorophyllous orgy starts in spring is no enigma!
We call this quest for satisfaction a what, class?
Sorority girls: A photo-periodic reaction!
Mr. Stuart: Oh, that's good, that's very good.
Hey, I'm lost where are we? Chapter 2, page 5...

Reproduction, reproduction!
Put your pollen tube to work.
Reproduction, reproduction!
Make my stamen go berserk.
Reproduction!
I don't think they even know what a pistil is!
I got your pistil right here...
Where does the pollen go?

Mr. Stuart: Next chapter, In an abstract way, the same thing applies
To the reproductive organs of the more complex life forms.
But now we are dealing with sexual response.
Are there any questions before we begin reading?

Is it possible the female member of some sex on a couch
Could like get this guy all hot and she never even knew it?
When a warm-blooded mammal in a tight little sweater
Starts pullin' that stuff, is she sayin' that she wants to do it?
Johnny: Can't prove it by me, cause they change their tune
When you got 'em in the back seat.
With his heart beatin' fast!
Sorority girls: They make it sound like a track meet, gross!
Yeah, then all they can do is say "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!"

Reproduction, reproduction!
Baby, give it to me now.
Reproduction, reproduction!
Is that all you think about?
Reproduction!
Come on baby show me that you really love me so!
Ohhh, I think I'm gonna throw up!
Where does the pollen go?

Mr. Stuart:
The human is the only being capable of consciously controlling its number of offspring.
Any comments on this?
Paulette: Mr. Stuart, is it true that guys like you, you know, mature and all,
Carry some protection with them for sexual occasions?
Johnny: What's the big deal? Can't a girl just do that thing in a book
Where she adds up the days of her, uh, what do you call it, mentalstration?
Oh, that's really neat! Yeah, and what will the guy say when the numbers don't add up right, huh?
Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Reproduction, reproduction!
Hope he's proud of what he's done.
Reproduction, reproduction!
He was only pokin' fun.
Reproduction!
See what happens when a boy and girl
Don't know how to play it safe?

Reproduction, reproduction!
Reproduction, reproduction!
Reproduction, reproduction!
Reproduction!
Where does the pollen go?

I really would like to know where the pollen goes?

My favourite part is

Reproduction, reproduction!
Put your pollen tube to work.
Reproduction, reproduction!
Make my stamen go berserk.

I can't believe that they put this song in Grease 2, which I watched last night with my jaw dropped for most of the time - laughing for the rest. It takes a lot to actually shock me in a movie with something I've never seen before but holy cow, this did it. IT HAD DANCE MOVES! ...lordy, lordy, lordy... Thankfully, Michelle Pfeiffer's next musical venture was a great movie. I of course speak of The Fabulous Baker Boys. But then again... that movie doesn't have "Do It For America".