August 15, 2007

House: An Abridged Teleplay

INT. CLASS ROOM - DAY
TEACHER
Ow, my heart.

Teacher collapses.

INT. HOSPITAL - DAY
HOUSE
Whatever could be wrong with this man? Also, I'm grumpy.

NO-NAME DOCTOR #1
Perhaps it's something relatively common and can be treated with panadol.

HOUSE
You're an idiot and I hate life.

NO-NAME DOCTOR #2
You've gone too far!

House grumbles to himself and takes two bottles of vicadin.

INT. PATIENT'S ROOM - NIGHT
HOUSE
I think you have a rare disease found only in the tropical jungles of Machu Pichu.

TEACHER
Oh my god!

HOUSE
You're delusional and I dislike you.

INT. HOUSE'S OFFICE - NIGHT
House listens to opera while swallowing a bottle of pills. NO-NAME DOCTOR #3 enters the room.

NO-NAME DOCTOR #3
What on earth could be wrong with the teacher, House?

HOUSE
It's simple, really! I've discovered that he was actually pregnant.

NO-NAME DOCTOR #3
Wow. You're amazing.

HOUSE
I hate you.

NO-NAME DOCTOR #3
I quit.

HOUSE
How will I ever get out this tricky situation?

House grumbles to himself.

NO-NAME DOCTOR #3
You need to quit the drugs and start being a man! Only then will I consider coming back to work.

House throws the pills in the trash.


NEXT WEEK ON HOUSE: House becomes a drug addict again and must try and solve the mystery illness discovered in a patient while also battling with his clearly idiot staff, but this time... HAS HOUSE GONE TOO FAR? And will be discover the mystery illness in time?! Why ask because you already know the outcome! And if you don't you are obviously a fuckin' moron!

4 comments:

jessica said...

I enjoy the show though.

Kamikaze Camel said...

That's alright... *grumbles*

:P

It's no worse than CSI and L&O in the regards I set. But I also really dislike Hugh Laurie on that show so my disdain for the show is threefold.

adam k. said...

I think it's a good enough show if you ignore the fact that it's the same plot over and over and over again. And I do like Hugh Laurie. But how this deserves a best drama nod over Battlestar Galactica, Friday Night Lights, etc. I will never understand.

Kamikaze Camel said...

It's the Emmys, Adam. 'nuff said.