April 5, 2007

Finding the right role for Beyonce

After seeing the following image of Beyonce Knowles over at Go Fug Yourself I started conjuring up new movieroles for her. Wouldn't she just be perfect for...

(click to enlarge)

Mannequin 2: Cleopatra's Revenge - I can't remember the end of 1987's Mannequin (did Kim Cattrall revert back to a mannequin in the end?), but for a sequel how about this for a plot: A rival mannequin maker named Clive Parker Daley (Hugh Grant) still holds a grudge against Jonathan Switcher for having the best window display of 1987. He then moulds an even more perfect mannequin, yet in a strange only-in-a-sequel parallel, his perfect mannequin becomes inhabited with the spirit of Cleopatra! A sassy cleopatra at that. Shocked to discover that her reputation has been tainted over the years ("Who is this... Elizabeth... Taylor...?") decides she must not only help her master create the Christmas shop window to end all Christmas shop windows, but she must also make the world fall in love with the real Cleopatra. The sassy jive talkin' hip-hop singin' Cleopatra.

A New Mom For Christmas! - A new family, a new mannequin! A lowly down-on-his-luck single father (Enrico Colantoni) just can't handle his daughter (Abigail Breslin) at Christmas time. When she wins a contest for a free wish at the local mall where her father works as a security guard (and who in the opening scenes is seen staring at a mysteriously life-like mannequin in a store window), she wishes for a mother to be with during the holidays. Shockingly the mysteriously life-like mannequin awakes and becomes mother to the sweet orphan Annie (minue the orphan part). But not just any mother, no, she's a sassy jive talkin' hip-hop singin' mother. She can crunk with the best of them!

House of Wax 2: Madame Tussaud's Revenge - One night a group of American teenage tourists stumble around a graveyard in country France only to discover the grave of Mada Tussaud. Being idiot American film characters that they are, they enact a voodoo curse of some kind and suddenly the ground rumbles and Tussaud's hideous zombie body emerges. The kids run away to tell the authorities. Tussaud somehow makes her way to a wax museum and sees what her life long work has ended in, weird figures of celebrities. Due to the weird voodoo curse, Tussaud now discovers she too can possess unliving things and bring them to life. She somehow commands all the wax figures to kill everybody in sight. One of the figures being the sassy jive talkin' and hip-hop singin' Beyonce who goes about with reckless abandon strangling people with her legs and ripping their skulls off to eat the gooey brains inside.

Bicentennial Girl - A robot that wants to be human so badly. Thankfully, instead of getting a dull and dreary personality like Robin Williams did in the original Beyonce's human-version is a sassy jive-talkin' hip-hip singin' robot who sets of sparks between her an a moog synethesiser making her realise she was better off as a robot. She reverts back to her robot self but somehow manages to keep her jive talkin' sassiness. It's an uplifting love story for the ages.

Or, she could star in a real-life remake of Superstar: The Karen Carpenter Story, but I'd be scared no one would notice the difference between (clearly) robot wax mannequin doll Beyonce and the Barbie dolls used in the original.



JA said...

Very funny, Glenn.

But, and I am sad to say that I knew this, there was already a Mannequin 2, called Mannequin: On The Move, starring Movie-Buffy Kristy Sawnson. So your version would have to be the concluding chapter of a trilogy, which hopefully means - if we take Randy's rules about a trilogy from Scream 3 for a template - that "anyone can die", so Beyonce's mannequin could be blown up in an eruption of hair-weave and wood-chips spectacularly at the end. Yay!

Paxton Hernandez said...

I'd vote for House of Wax 2. That would be a killer, hehe.

In a side note, Glenn, Did you enjoy the gruesomeness (?) and genius aesthetics of the House of Wax (2005), the one when you get to see Paris die?

Get well soon,

Kamikaze Camel said...

I did actually enjoy House of Wax. I was surprised with how much gore they actually put in it, considering so many a PG13 these days. The finger scene was particularly icky.

Ja, that's totally true! I didn't notice that. Maybe Kim Catrall can return in a cameo and shove dynamite into her weave?