(obviously, all my grades are subject to change at any stage). Enjoy.
Look Both Ways (2005, dir. Watt) - Small Aussie film looking for unscorned film watchers who still have faith in the Australian film industry! Like me! I'm really good! Forgot about The Proposition, who overhypes himself, or Little Fish, who has that realistic facade, but is really not as good as she thinks, because I am your film. I am real. I look real. I sound real. I ring true. Hell, if I was anymore real, I'd be Big Brother. My life is a bit frenetic, what with so many friends going in so many directions, but I can always guarantee that by the end of the weekend we will all be cool calm and collected. A recent bout of cancer has slightly dampened my view of the world and am looking for the right viewer to fall in love with. Must be able to stand a heat wave, and must also like long runs in the rain. I like a good fixer-upper in a person. Are you depressed? So am i! We'll work great together. Kids from a previous relationship do not matter. If I have one flaw it is that my big emotional payoff isn't as big as it should be, but I am filled with great Aussie actors doing great aussie performances, so it doesn't matter as much as The Proposition (sorry, I am still bitter about that relationship that ended so suddenly). My director is a great new talent who recently won a big prize at TIFF! The animated sequences within me are hand-drawn by said director and make for, at times, funny wordless internal monologues. Don't be afraid, I'm not as harsh as I seem! A-
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The Constant Gardener (2005, dir. Meirelles) - Were you impressed by our last meeting? I sure as hell was, but where did you go? I haven't heard from you in a while. You were the Brazilian man who made City of God, I was the young movie geek who fell in love. Where were you? It turns out you were off making this little ditty, and for that I am thankful. It was so good to see your last effort and now with this one I am certain you're a keeper! It's so great to see you again! You're important. Your efforts are equally important. I need you in my life. You help validate my faith in cinema. Do I sound clingy. I am to my fave actress' and directors.
Yes, you're a bit heavy-handed. You're a bit crazy, quickly going from one thing to another, but who doesn't like a few surprises every now and then? But what I liked most of all about out most recent outing was your penchant for love and romance. You are quite open about your desire for love and affection at any cost (famine and politics included), even if you were a bit sudden in your want. During our date I never once looked at my watch or wished that it would end, just like the first. I also wanted to shed a tear, is that wrong? When will I see you again. Hopefully sooner than later. A-
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Howl's Moving Castle (2005, dir. Miyazaki) - Do you like confusing, surreal and strange animation with a foreign tilt? Then i'm your movie! If you like the films that came before me you may have a hard time adjusting, but in the end it's all worth it! I'm sorry I don't have the beautiful innocence of Spirited Away or Kiki's Delivery Service, but what I do have is still pretty great. Others have said I have a timeless beauty, and without boasting, I think they're right. I. Am. Beautiful. Not to forget how painstakingly long it takes me to look like this, but that's all elementary when it comes down to it.
But, still, if you are looking for straight-forwardness you're barking up the wrong castle. I am confusing for a while, and I occasionally lose my rhythm by trying to include too many beasts and goblins and parallel universes and evil sorcerers. I could also do with a cut for my shaggy doo is getting a bit too long and drawn (lol, DRAWN!) out for my own good, but it works for me. But, still, much like Orlando Bloom, my main appeal comes from my looks. I know I'm a tad eccentric, but who cares when I'm this god damned beautiful! Stare at me and ponder the beauty of my workings. I sure am classy. B-
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Mind The Gap (2005, dir. Unknown) - I am short. That's the first thing you need to know. I'm short, but I am also sweet. And when I have Kerry Armstrong in my fold, why wouldn't I be. I make up for my shortness by being punchy and feisty and full of energy. I'm not claustrophic, but I get glee out of seeing people be just that. I am devious and like to hoodwink you. But, still, I include a performance by one of Australia's greatest actress', Kerry Armstrong, so you'd be hard pressed to not find something good in my short stature. Big things do come in little packages, ya know! Can you help find my parents though? I do not know who they are and it would be appreciated if you knew! B+
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Hostage (2005, dir. Siri) - One thing you should know about me before you inquire within. I am a messy slob. I like to have everything plus the kitchen sink available within arms length so that if I need it I can get it with ease. I like big kappow(!!!) action that results in lots of blood, even if it isn't necessary at all to the plot. I am loud. I am extremely hammy on occasions and whenever my good mate Ben Foster is around you may feel sick to the stomach and as if you too want to go on a homicidal murdering spree (He's THAT bad. Embarassingly so).
I am "A film by Florent Siri", whatever that means - I know you're not impressed. Who the fuck is Florent Siri? I don't even think I know, I am so faceless and grotesque that if you asked I could not answer. Speaking of answers, I don't think I do enough of it. However, when I try and tie everything up in a neat bow, i end up unspooling in a pool of laughs and blood. Do you like that? If you like embarassing monsters who you wouldn't want to meet your mother, then I'm your film.
I do have two plusses. I have excellent taste in music. Alexandre Desplat provides me with a constant supply of soundtracks that work a treat. That, and my opening credits are a twisty mix between Sin City and Panic Room. Pity bout the rest of the movie. C-
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Code 46 (2004, dir. Winterbottom) - Eclectic film (+ filmmaker) for eclectic sci-fi buffs. I am very vague, and don't make much sense, but I suppose if you warm up to me and my cast enough you could have a good futuristic time! My romance is odd and involves the unlikely pair of Tim Robbins and Samantha Morton, who is always great. I am aesthetically pleasing both for the eyes (think Blade Runner meets Lost in Translation - I KNOW) and ears, but anyone not wanting to get confused as to my agenda should not apply.
I do not like being asked question to which I cannot sufficiantly answer. Someone who asks too many questions may find themselves in worse shape than I am. Speaking of 'shape', I am a bit rough around the edges - perhaps a few extra laps around the development stage would have helped. But maybe in 20 years or so I will be fully appreciated, but for now... C-
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We Don't Live Here Anymore (2004, dir. Curran) - Wordy, tightly wound, adult drama looking for scholarly audience (read: the educated type). Others may have trouble paying attention to my words, as there are a lot of them (read: A LOT!). But there is more to me than just my words. I have a stellar central performance from the lovely and oft-forgotten Laura Dern and I look and sound beautiful, as you would expect from my director who previously made Praise, which was really bad but at least looked pretty and had good performances. But, what it all comes down to are my words. I like to use them, discuss them and be about them. Scenes have no reason to be other than to be about my words. My words aren't entirely brilliant as I personally think they are, but they get me by. I am not as smart as I think I am either, but I don't tell many people that. Give me a try, and if I am to your fancy, we can continue our discussion in the written form as there are more of me where I came from. B-
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Séance On A Wet Afternoon (1964, dir. Forbes)> - I am a subtle, claustrophobic, atmospheric little critter. Don't come to my door expecting big loud thrills, spills and action galore. I like to take my time with a new acquaintance. I like to set a solid foundation, even if it is based on mystery and intrigue. What's that you say? You like the sound of me! Well, that's good. The Academy was fond of my lead female performance, and although I didn't win, I did win several other awards 41 years ago! I look fantastic and my big setpiece is an edge-of-your-seat thrill. Still not convinced. How about my ending! I sure to pack and punch. If you like, we can meet at Picadilly Circus, I'll be the one in the telephone booth with the black bag! A-
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There you go!
Ciao!
PS; This feels so weird, compared to LiveJournal.
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